My situation: My wife and I have been together for 6 years. We have had a very easy going and open relationship without any major drama. I am 33 YOA and she just turned 40 YOA. She has four children and I have none of my own. She has always been very insecure about herself since we met but that never caused problems. She has always criticized herself and thinks she is a bad parent and a bad person in general.
She turned 40 in December 2014 however things picked up about a year ago when she started hanging out with this guy from work "Helping him" with an addiction problem. She would spend nights at a time at his house. It bothered me because I knew she was sleeping with him however She will deny to this day that she was sleeping with him. I let it go and let her do her thing and she got bored with him and dropped him like a fly. Now she is moved onto to the next victim.
As far as the signs I've seen of MLC * Cut her hair short and dyed it purple * Started getting "Work done" on her face (Botox) * Distancing herself from her family and friends * Spending A LOT of money on things for her "Friends" * Neglecting all responsibilities (Bills, taking care of our children and dogs, house work, etc) * Spent many days just laying in bed watching TV or playing on her phone. * Doing anything she could to "Escape" Reality. * Calling in sick at work a lot. * and I know this isn't a classic symptom however she always hated "Selfies" and despised people who took them. Well this last year she has joined the selfie phase and posted them on FB. I honestly believe it's so when people like or comment it makes her feel better.
There are many more however I will sum it up as she is obviously struggling and trying to find happiness even if it's short lived. She has recently decided to move out. She gave absolutely NO explanation as to why she was leaving or where our relationship was failing. I am not even sure if she knows at this point. It's been a month since she has been gone and we talk frequently however I have been distant as I believe that she needs time to work on herself.
Interesting point: We are a same sex couple yet her PA's have been with two men. I'm not sure if this stems from issues with men in her childhood or that she still wants to feel appealing to men for some reason.
Last edited by Stand4U; 12/15/1509:57 PM.
M:6 Years W: 40 M: 35 Same Sex Couple 4 Children
BD: April 2015 PA with O/M: April 2015 Moved Out: November 2015
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Thank you for the links. I will definitely read through them.
I think so far I am doing well with handling the situation. The issue is I didn't know about all this stuff until it was "too late". She had made her decision to move out. She has never really been "monster" toward me. When she told me she was leaving she was visibly uncomfortable all day and finally said come talk with me. Her words were "I found a place" "I have to do this for the kids". And I said ok and that was essentially all. She didn't say the relationship was horrible. Actually a week before she left she said "You will never know how much you mean to me. You will always be the one who will be with me when my parents pass and through thick and thin."
This are statements I think are truthful and were said during a lucid moment however the cloud in her mind still told her to leave.
The comments she would make such as "You deserve better than me" "I am a monster" "Im going bat sh!t crazy" and "I can't even save myself" are just proof to me how much she is hurting.
I just hope that from this point on I can handle the situation better based on my reading.
Last edited by Stand4U; 12/17/1512:55 AM.
M:6 Years W: 40 M: 35 Same Sex Couple 4 Children
BD: April 2015 PA with O/M: April 2015 Moved Out: November 2015
They say MLC happens when a person does not resolve childhood issues
if thats true, then the spouse has little to do with it they are seeking fun excitement and no responsibility there is little we can do except support them and take care of ourselves
make sure you watch any finances that you share together take care of you get enough sleep, therapy, supportive friends, make sure you eat, mediate or find some spiritual guidance the pain will lighten and you will heal she may or may not return not ones knows and MLC is a long ordeal usually the LBS moves on before the MLCer recovers
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Yes she splits time with the kids with her ex H. I seem them a lot as we were really close over the past 6 years.
It is definitely due to childhood issues. She was essentially abandoned by a heroin addict mother and a father that was not in the picture and was raised by an aunt who eventually shot herself. She definitely has a rough past and needs to work through that and I see now through this MLC what she is trying to accomplish.
I have taken to eating healthy and meditating and taking care of myself. I have read a lot on the MLC topic and depression. It's just nice to talk with people that can relate and read that I am not alone.
M:6 Years W: 40 M: 35 Same Sex Couple 4 Children
BD: April 2015 PA with O/M: April 2015 Moved Out: November 2015
Did you get a chance to read the posts, Cadet posted for you? I strongly suggest you do. It provides a base to work from.
I can tell you that what you describe could be all kinds of things, including MLC which is quite likely. I've heard and seen similar all those years ago. When you read the posts, you'll see you are not alone and I think that's important in gaining your balance fully.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Yes I have started to read some of the links and they have been very helpful in putting all this into perspective. And like you said it's very interesting to see that I am not alone in this. Many people's storied are very similar to mine which has helped me to realize it's not me or our relationship that she hates.
Thank you
M:6 Years W: 40 M: 35 Same Sex Couple 4 Children
BD: April 2015 PA with O/M: April 2015 Moved Out: November 2015
yes all the books and links really do help and now its just time it takes a lot of time for us to heal and while we are healing , we will see what direction it all unfolds sometimes they return but we do this work for us..to get better good that you are taking care of yourself know that it gets better I used to think I wanted my xh back more than anything I never thought I would get over him but I did and we all do either way, we are ok and you will read it on the boards over and over than the LBS is the one who comes out ok and most of thime even better than b4
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I mostly do ok, some days I just get really down. If I feel down I come on these boards and read and it helps me feel better again. Sometimes I just get so angry at her decisions and I lose sight of the fact that she is going through MLC and that she is not thinking clearly.
Thank you Peace for your support.
M:6 Years W: 40 M: 35 Same Sex Couple 4 Children
BD: April 2015 PA with O/M: April 2015 Moved Out: November 2015
One thing I thought was weird was a week before she moved out my W said to me in a fit of tears "He (Meaning OM) will never be able to understand me and accept me like you do".
I was dumbfounded, I felt like saying well why are you leaving me then. She doesn't live with OM but I'm sure they see each a lot. It's like she knows she is best with me but the MLC is making her leave and pursue this affair with OM.
I guess it's the statements she says in her "lucid" moments that utterly confuse me.
M:6 Years W: 40 M: 35 Same Sex Couple 4 Children
BD: April 2015 PA with O/M: April 2015 Moved Out: November 2015
