How do you deal with the period of time after the bomb drop? My wife told me that she doesn't love me anymore, around 4 weeks ago, but I've heard nothing since and her actions haven't changed compared to before she told me. We still eat meals as a family. We work well with the kids. The kids don't know anything is even going on. I've been GAL-ing but I'm having a hard time with doing a lot of 180s. I'm just not sure where she stands so I'm not sure how hard to push the DBing. I haven't been asking her anything regarding her daily activities, plans, our R or anything personal, but I so badly want to know where she stands at this point and what her plans are.
Up to this point we've been planning a move to Colorado (we are in CA currently) in March/April 2016 timeframe. I'm opening an office there. Or at least that's the plan. She's the one that really wants to move. But recently I know that she has submitted a few applications for jobs in SoCal. I knew she was looking for jobs before and when I asked her why she was doing that, she said it's in case I decide not to move and she ends up "stuck" here. But I have a feeling that she has ulterior motives. I just don't want to ask her what those are because I think it would sabotage my GAL attempts. But I really need to know since I have been planning all along on making this move and need to recalibrate by efforts if in fact, she is planning on staying her in SoCal.
This is the worst possible time for all of this to be happening. 2 small kids, I'm graduating with my doctorate in April, supposed to be moving to a new location, away from my immediate family, opening a new office in an unfamiliar place.... I'm in a time crunch and am not sure what to do. She knows that I want to stay here, and if she is planning to leave, I'll need my family around for support and to help me with the kids while I try to open my office.
Hey there! Re-posting something Sandi said a few posts up thread:
Originally Posted By: Sandi
There is a "no win" with a WW. That is why you cannot let her words or feelings guide what you do. The best way to handle this statement, or anything else she says that stumps you, is to just say, "Okay", and continue doing whatever you were doing. If she says something like, "Well, aren't you even going to try to talk to me, or you want to play this silly game of yours"? Again, just look at her pleasantly, and say something like, "No, I'm fine, thanks. Was there something you wanted to say"? Just keep calm and collected. Whenever a WW feels the LBH backing away, she will do something to try and pull him in. Take it as a sign you were doing well. smile
It's so crazy with a WW. She doesn't want him, but she doesn't want him getting a life without her knowing every detail. She doesn't want him finding someone to replace her. She wants to manipulate and control him. It won't be until she thinks she's losing him that she'll discover she still wants him. As long as the LBH is attached to her.........he is defeating himself. See what I mean?
You are going to find that the best advice in most situations that you have questions about will have likely already been answered. It is always a good idea to re-read your thread. There are almost always pearls of wisdom sprinkled about.
Quote:
But I have a feeling that she has ulterior motives. I just don't want to ask her what those are because I think it would sabotage my GAL attempts. But I really need to know since I have been planning all along on making this move and need to re-calibrate by efforts if in fact, she is planning on staying her in SoCal.
Your W has said she is "done". Therefore, your plans should align with that reality. If staying close to family is a better outcome for the kids in the event of your divorce, then your plans should be focused on staying in So Cal.
What you do is your choice but you are looking for advice so here's mine. I would not move to another state while this situation is unresolved. Your plans have been completely upended and there really isn't much you can do about it until the matter is resolved. Of course your W has "ulterior motives". She wants out of the M! Don't assume she has changed her mind until she has said so and don't go fishing. That will only drive her further away.
What you will find though is that what she says and what she does will not always jibe with each other. Her head is spinning and she is confused and anxious. You should continue to focus on yourself and your kids. Assume the M is over and plan accordingly. If your W starts to have second thoughts, she will let you know. But you have to act as if this is the end of the line for your M, while all the while, working to improve yourself and make yourself the best dad your kids could ever hope for.
The bottom line though is that I really think that your plans for a move out of state have to be placed on hold. Take that piece out of the equation for now and focus on the other things.
I'm wishing you the best possible outcome.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Thank you for all of that 2thepoint. I hear you on all of it and I will be reading your post over and over to let it sink in. What you and Sandi have advised is very powerful and true, but also very scary for me to accept. If I tell my WW that I cannot continue with plans to move out of state, it will definitely put the nail in the coffin for our marriage. I'm not telling you that out of fear, but out of confidence. There will be no salvaging our marriage if I tell her that we're staying put. Is that something that I should just face and deal with it, or should I hold off on making the declaration that I'm not moving?
I think I know the answer to this last question, but I'd still like a take on it. This whole situation is just so confusing and honestly quite scary. Not knowing how this is going to unfold and what she's planning/thinking is terrible. But there's no way I'm going to ask her what she's thinking. I'm just going to keep taking care of myself as I am and see what happens. I know I can only focus on improving myself and being an awesome dad, so that's what I'm doing.
Thank you again for your input. I really appreciate it.
I can see how you would feel worried due to the shared account. I have spoken with many others that have felt that way too. What I have found is that we can be pretty creative so it isn't an issue.
I know you have a big decision to make regarding relocating to CO. It would be enormously helpful for you to have a DB Coach working with you so you can develop the best possible plan. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
I've been looking through the MLC threads this morning, looking for inspiration and guidance. I found this little gem, and I'm going around sharing it with everyone I think it may be helpful to. Sometimes everything just gets to be too much, and I forget where I'm supposed to be focusing. It really helped me redefine where I want to go, and how I'm going to get there. I hope it helps you a bit, too.
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
Consider the DB basic principals....
1) Healthy boundaries. 2) Better communication 3) GAL 4) "act as if" 5) Change how you look at things 6) Keep a positive outlook 7) Personal growth 8) Learning more about you so that you can be all that you can be. 9) Learning to avoid "cheese less tunnels" 10) Love and respect
These principals can be used in all facets of ones life. When used properly....they truly can change you from the INSIDE OUT.
Working on the second month now since the bomb drop and still not much has changed. Basically the only thing that has changed in the MR is that we have stopped saying ILY and have stopped touching each other whatsoever. We haven't had sexual relations since August so that's nothing new. Sometimes she will slip and say ILY, and then quickly respond with an "I'm sorry" once she realized what she said. Still working on myself as much as possible and she has started making comments about my physical appearance since I've been back in the gym for about 5 weeks now. I feel really good and the information from the books and from this forum has been incredible.
I really wish I knew what was in my wife's head at this point because she doesn't share much about what's going on. But I think the less interested she perceives me to be, the better. So I'm just going to let her open up on that when she's ready. Hopefully sooner than later since we have some big life changes coming up very soon...
Hey Madney - checking in to see how you are doing. Interesting how well the Divorce diet works huh! I'm kidding. But keep working on yourself. Be mysterious and keep looking good. You just never know how things will turn out.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Hi 2thepoint. I'm not really sure where things are at the moment. She really doesn't say anything at all about the situation until we are in MC sessions. I think what I have been doing based on the DR has been the main reason why we are still at least together at this point. But who really knows. I started taking some yoga classes and have really been working hard at taking care of myself. I have a hard time with being mysterious since we have two young kids and we're always trying to schedule who will be where and when so we can coordinate for childcare purposes. But I'm doing the best that I can. I really appreciate you checking in on me. This is definitely a lonely process.
I'm glad to hear you are attending MC. It means you are at least talking to each other. Communication is so important! But don't forget to listen and most importantly, HEAR what your W has to say. That's not to say, you don't have a voice. But you need to do more listening right now and see how things develop. When your W begins to feel like she is being heard, that may be when things begin to shift.
The yoga classes are good. Keep working on yourself, physically and emotionally. Surprisingly enough, the fact that you can spend some time by yourself, for yourself IS creating some mystery. You've even said that your W has commented on the changes to your appearance. Keep at it!
Take care and keep posting so we can see how you are doing.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I just discovered yesterday that my wife is having another texting relationship with another man. A different man this time. He is a former coworker of our who my wife has remained in contact with over the past few years. But in the past few months I have seen her doing the same suspicious activities with her phone that she had been doing in the past. She left her computer open when she left the house so I had a peak at their messages and about threw up. We have MC tomorrow and I'm going to bring this to light. Not that I saw the messages, but that I have the same exact feelings that something is going on as I did the first time. I feel like I am turning into the Walk-Away-Husband. I just feel like I cannot trust this woman any longer. I don't want to feel that way because I know it's best for the kids if we stay together, but I'm becoming more and more convinced that I need to take some time away so that she really understands the consequences of her actions. If it's possible for someone to comment before tomorrow at 4:00p PST, I would really appreciate it. I'm going to bring up the fact that I know with almost 100% certainty that she is being deceitful. I want to say to her that she needs to show me their text messages to one another, and that if she's not willing to do so, then I'm going to pack my bags. I have two young children that will be absolutely devastated, but what am I supposed to do?? I feel like this whole situation is making me sick from the inside out, even though I'm doing really well at working on myself. We are supposed to move to Colorado in 8 weeks, away from family, friends, and support. How can I move with this woman with this stuff going on? Such a terrible situation. Thanks in advance for any help everyone....
