My sixth thread was titled "kavikratu" which means one who possesses wisdom or sacrifices, full of discernment, having wise designs, having the insight of a wise man or fully wise insight.
The name I have chosen to title this thread is the Sanskrit word "zokasantaptamAnasa".
zokasantaptamAnasa means one whose mind is consumed by sorrow. I fell short and did not reach the state of kavikratu. With introspection I realized the reason. This thread will hopefully flush these feelings out into the light of day. Thank you for all you support during these difficult months.
I posted this on a friends thread and realized an issue that's kept me limping down the path of DB. I copy and pasted it here.
You asked "How do you feel most days? Are you depressed? Are you content? Somewhere in between? I worry that you are very hard on yourself, and living in this situation for another 2 years is really going to wear on you. I am not encouraging you to give up, just trying to get a feel for your general well being."
I am slightly down each day. Quite honesty I am to hard on myself. I can't forgive myself. It's a heavy weight on my heart. I carry it around with me all the time and nobody knows its there. The weight pushes out everything else so there is an emptiness to me. I did this. I destroyed my marriage by not being good enough. That's what I feel like everyday.
I must do this for the next 2 years. This is what my son needs, today he was begging his mother not to work so much. My son is much closer to my wife then he is to me. I don't think I will ever have as close a relationship with him as he with his mother. That's okay, I am happy to support him and help him when I can. It doesn't have to be about me.
I goal with thread understand why I cannot forgive myself.
My wise friend JellyB posted some great insights and questions on my last thread just as it reached the magic number 100. I have copied parts of it here to prime the therapeutic pump.
J said "I am hoping to see what you do with anger that isn't all old school (past behaviour) yelling, but isn't shut down and not dealing with it either - which is the Coey (co-dependants way)."
I never realized but I was in a state of co-dependent anger. The tentacles to co-dependency are far reaching.
J said "As Pho rightly said, the WS feels this energy of waiting and they know that their S is still fully engaged and invested. I do wonder if this is why you don't see a happier more contented W. Because she has not yet felt your detachment. Or potentially W and Mutatio are little more than mirroring back and forth the same emotional tone - on the outside cool, polite aloof, but underneath quietly angry or raging about the state of the nation. Is this a stalemate?"
I think your on to something here dear Jelly. I must reflect on this some more.
J said "I know doing what works is DBing, but what if doing what works is maintaing the status quo."
Jelly, you are brilliant!
Maybe Roiste's words are worth pondering.
Roiste's thoughts are like yours sage and I ponder them and your status quo question today.
Thank you Jelly, your kindness and support are greatly appreciated. Your soul is lovely light, be well dear friend
Mutatio, How can you feel better? How can you, as a man, not as a beaten down husband who screwed up in the past (and the distant past at that, it is ancient history), but as a man with a future, do better for yourself? I know you are filled with sorrow, so am I, more than I'd like to admit. I don't know how to make that go away except with time and moving forward.
I know you blame yourself, so did I for about 8 months and it was torture. Yes, you had a role in the demise of the marriage. Yes, maybe a big one. But that is over. You have accepted responsibility, changed yourself, you are NOT the old drinking, bullying, Mutatio. Forgive yourself. Let go of the guilt, it served you well as a catalyst for change, now it is keeping you stuck.
Your son needs you just as much as he needs his mother, but he also needs you in a different way, at this point in his life he might be closer to his mother but your influence might actually be greater. You are his role model for what a man should be. You are teaching him how to relate to the world and to himself. You are teaching him love and commitment and patience. But you are also teaching him by example to be hard on himself, to hold onto blame, to feel guilt. So if you are staying for your son, I think the best way to really do that is to let go of your guilt and find a way to be the man that you have worked so hard to become. Find a way to be content, find a way to forgive yourself, and to be confident that YOU are a strong and loving and amazing man who has a lot to offer to the world.
I can't find the lever to pull, there is no button to push, I dropped the key. I feel like Harry Houdini in a failed escape. I will bring this up with my IC this week. Thank you dear friend. More to reflect on today.
I let go of the guilt but still stuck in my own ways. There is no magic button, but maybe the self awareness will point you in the right path. You deserve so much more out of life and its not your wife holding you back right now. Just like for me its not H. Wishing you peace today my friend.
Thank you for your posts. Your insights are always valuable. I have been trying to catch up a bit on your situation and have read many of your posts on Phos threads and they are always touching. Forgive me if I am only repeating what might have already been expressed. I keep thinking of this comment you made on my thread...
" I find it easier to beat up on a male then a female"
I could be wrong, but as an outsider reading, I feel like you beat up on yourself quite a bit. Do you think you might be putting up with some pretty awful behaviors from your wife because deep down you feel you deserve this punishment?
This makes me sad, because you are so deserving of forgiveness from yourself and from your wife. Your wife has to make that choice to forgive and let go of her resentments herself, but I think you need to Forgive yourself first. How can you expect her to do so if you have not?
All of us on these boards seem to recognize what a beautiful and worthy soul you have, and that you deserve much love, kindness, and respect but that does not mean anything because you have to be the one to recognize it. What is holding you back from forgiving yourself?
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Thank you Julie, This is now the first question I will have to answer, everything else takes a backseat to this. IC will have to dig this answer out, I don't see it.
Pho, no way I could have said it that well, but you stated everything I would have. Mu, it's finally sinking in to me, you can not work on anything that she is unwilling to work on. But, like pho said, you have a great opportunity to lead your son to become a great man. He may have seen you at your roughest moments, but he is seeing you transform into a beautiful butterfly (manly, of course) from the caterpillar you were.
Stay the course, and enjoy what you can of the ride!
You rock mu, don't beat yourself up.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
