Hopping over to piecing & short intro

[smokry]

Hi- I've been on the jealously/infidelity forum and someone suggetsted I read a thread over here...after doing that and browsing around some...I think this is where I need to be posting! Here is a brief (i hope) summary of my sitch:
son born June 1994 (yes- you can do the math!)
H ExW is psycho bitch from hell
Jan 1995- H is caught in our kitchen kissing one of our friends at my bday party
Many financial problems!!
H can't pay child support & won't go back to court to reduce payments. Too stubborn?pride?who knows..
More financial problems (H has serious spending problems)
We file personal & business bankruptcy in 1998
Two weeks later H ExW sues him for child support (she did it as soon as she got info about the bankruptcy)
H has 3 choices- pay almost $1000.00 a month (which we CAN'T do), go to jail or sign over parental rights
We have liquidated all our assests- no money, etc...
After several tense months- H decides to sign over parental rights of his 2 Ds. (Had he been able to pay the money the only thing that he would have had a say in would have been his daughters' last names. All other rights were going to the stepfather & mother)
BTW- his daughters were 8 & 10 at the time
Stepdad adopts H 2 ds
ExW cuts off ALL contact & moves out of state
H has always gone to bars...this habit continues to get worse
Few months later H's dad tells him that he's not his dad and pays for DNA test to prove it
H confronts mom- she finally admits that it "might" be true and narrows his real father down to two men she was with at the same time (H is 37 at this time)
More financial problems
More going to the bar
More of me complaining
Jump ahead with more of the same...
November 2001-our friend/neighbor of 6 yrs starts being really friendly to me.Listening and giving me the "there there" treatment.
I'm too stupid to see it coming-
H still at bars- meets girl- exchanges phone numbers
I'm spending more & more time with og (who is married by the way)
OG has had M problems for 23 yrs
EA affair starts between me and OG
5 months go by
H still at bars- but starting to notice that i no longer care and that i am not home waiting on him
H demands that i stop talking to our neighbor but still goes to bars
During this time H goes home one night with ow from bar
I call him on it- he denies it
H had told our friend (also the OG about it)
OG tells me- cause now he's on a mission that I still can't see!
During this time the EA turns to PA ( I KNEW it shouldn't happen but let it anyway- which is a whole nother post!)
OG is not very subtle- decides to tell his W
All holy hell breaks loose!
Big split in our neighborhood involving 4 families taking sides
H and I have a fight over it. He breaks the bathroom door off its hinges, breaks door in half and throws it at me
H throws hairspray can at me and misses
H throws it again and hits me in the face
16 yr old D has to drive me to the ER
H moves out March 2002
Affair ended- I never loved him- OG starts telling everyone he's in love w/ me.Basically starts stalking me
H & I decide to try again Sept 2002
H moves back home
Things are OK for a while but we never resolved anything(except he stopped going to the bars which was the one condition I placed on him coming home)
Few months later we're at it again
H still freaked out about A- doens't think what he did was an A
I'm under constant survelience and accusations
Throws it up in my face constantly
Things are BAD- he wants a D & I don't care
I order Michelle's seminar tapes
June 2003- tapes come in
OK- that catches you up to now...sorry that was soooo long...

5 days ago I couldn't stand my H at all. EVERYTHING he did irritated me. The way he looked irritated me...literally just being in the same room with him disgusted me. And I KNOW the feeling was mutual.The tapes came in and I asked if he was still willing to watch them. He said yes so we started...grudgingly so on my part and his to. I can say that 5 days later- we are at least being civil to each other. We have come up with our love defintions and have set positive goals for our marriage.It's very sad but he did something Sunday that made me think he might actually be trying...I was bringing in two loads of clothes off the line and he actually opened the back door for me. I know that's a little thing but it was so unlike him!I know he likes me to give him little affirmations that I love him so yesterday i sent him a tm on his phone that said hope u are having a good day. He said he liked that. I suppose that is a start. We have lots of hard work ahead of us and I'm still questioning if it's all worth it and if it will last. Guess for now i am taking one day at a time. I do have a question...he still has questions about the affair...He knows it was a EA and knows it was a little physical but that's all the info I gave him. He wants to know if me and the OG slept together and I have denied it from the start. (It did happen 2 times over the 5 months)He got so violent and freaked out just thinking it was an EA that i really don't want to tell him everything...Think that is OK? There is no way he will find out- no one else knew except me & the OG and he told people we did but- I just denied it cause there was no proof. I think I'm protecting myself and him from more pain...I hope that's the right thing to do. He said he didn't have sex with the girl he met at the bar but he didn't get home from her house until 4am...I don't believe him...but I really don't WANT the details if you know what I mean! So, I figure he really doesn't need the details either!

Thanks for reading all of this....I am looking forward to the support of this group!
Sandra

[RandyH]

I agree that there are things better left unsaid.Instead tell him you love him and always have.

[eskb]

Well, having been the cheated one, let me offer what I can. My advice is to come clean. If he knew nothing about it, I'd suggest not telling him. But it sounds like he knows in his gut that you did sleep with him, and it will continue to knaw away at him. Tell him what happened, how many times it was, and why it happened (you mostly already have). Will he go a little nuts? Yeah, probably, but your voluntarily coming clean, even belatedly, will help him to eventually believe you when you also tell him that it will never happen again.

You need to stress several things. 1. It wasn't about the sex, it was about the support you were getting from the OG. 2. You take responsibility for it, know you were wrong, and are extremely sorry that it happened (you'll need to say this often over the course of the next days and weeks). 3. You no longer have ANY interest in that guy, or any OG. 4. You want to work on your M, and want it to work out with him.

Answer his questions but try to avoid giving out too many details about the sex itself. My W refused to answer certain questions and I now am thankful that she did.

His ego is going to be hurt. It would be very helpful if you told him that the sex wasn't that great and that sex with him is better. It might also be helpful if you would be the one to initiate sex more often in the coming weeks (to the extent that maybe you don't now). Make him feel sexy and that you want him, and he'll get over it more quickly.

Others here may disagree with my notion that coming clean would be best. I'll be interested to read what they have to say. Best of luck to you, and let us know how it goes.

Brian

[2Learn]

Hi Sandra,
I'm an old timer who just comes around once in a blue moon but I wanted to tell you that my H and I have gotten to the other side of soooo much trouble and pain. It ain't perfect, of course, but I am a much better person from working through all this and believe that he is too. There is so much hope! These folks in this peacing (as some of us like to call it) section will realy help you.

My H and I are doing well. It has been very hard to get here and it has taken a long time, 4 years. In looking back at the big picture we've had a pretty steady improvement but of course it didn't look like that day to day. You are going to need a tremendous amount of patience but I bet that if you muster it up, you will believe that it's worth it in the end.

I firmly believe that you should come clean unless you truly believe he will become violent. My H and I have grown so much closer but even now though I don't bring it up, it still helps, after 4 years, to hear an "I'm sorry". I feel very loving and thankful now when he says that (I felt angry for a long time). Now we only get in talks where that comes up extrememly rarely.

Wish you and yours the best.
2L

[smokry]

My advice is to come clean. If he knew nothing about it, I'd suggest not telling him. But it sounds like he knows in his gut that you did sleep with him, and it will continue to knaw away at him.

But I'm afraid if I confirm it- it will continue to knaw away at him even more!

You need to stress several things. 1. It wasn't about the sex, it was about the support you were getting from the OG. 2. You take responsibility for it, know you were wrong, and are extremely sorry that it happened (you'll need to say this often over the course of the next days and weeks). 3. You no longer have ANY interest in that guy, or any OG. 4. You want to work on your M, and want it to work out with him.

I've told him all of that a million times over the last year- all except the sex part and he still doesn't/can't/won't try and work past it.

His ego is going to be hurt. It would be very helpful if you told him that the sex wasn't that great and that sex with him is better.

Actually, it is much better with my H...and I do mean MUCH better. The only problem is I can't tell him that without admitting I had sex w/ the OG! Hmmmm...what to do what to do! Actually, this is the first time I have actually admitted it to anyone (& here I am telling a whole bunch of people I don't even know!)My best girlfriend doesn't even know. She thinks it's like Itold H- that it was an EA with a little bit of physical stuff but that we didn't have sex. I am also worried about telling H because he was awful when the affair came out and talked trash about me ALL over town. (Didn't matter what he had done)It was horrible- all the gossip and such and I'm afraid that if I tell him...then he will go back and make the BIG announcement to everyone that he was right after all.This is NOT something I am proud of and it's bad enough that people know anything at all about our private life...I guess if I could trust him to keep it between us then I might be more likely to tell him. Thanks for the input- I'll keep ya posted!

[sage]

My advice is to come clean. If he knew nothing about it, I'd suggest not telling him. But it sounds like he knows in his gut that you did sleep with him, and it will continue to knaw away at him.

But I'm afraid if I confirm it- it will continue to knaw away at him even more!

---

Just my 2 cents but I totally agree with Brian...the "not knowing for sure" is absolutely horrendous...get it out there so you can both deal with it constructively. It's not going to be easy for either one of you and there's no way I can promise you a totally positive outcome but if you don't come clean, it will always, always, always be a barrier between you two -- albeit unspoken.

Sage

[smokry]

the "not knowing for sure" is absolutely horrendous...get it out there so you can both deal with it constructively. It's not going to be easy for either one of you and there's no way I can promise you a totally positive outcome but if you don't come clean, it will always, always, always be a barrier between you two

Still haven't made a decision...still thinking about it...I appreciate the input!

Some positives- H actually said thank you to me for cooking dinner (which is one of our M goals- 2 b more polite)

We finished the 4th and last seminar tape last night!

We have our "love definitions"

We have 3 positive goals for our marriage & actions to achieve those goals

We are being civil to ea other though somewhat guarded at this point...

I am cautiously hopeful...

[shinybear]

Hi Sandra,

Welcome to Piecing. I'm afraid (or is it happy?) to be with the "come clean" gang. When my H saw how devastated I was when he just said he was thinking of a D...I pressed about OW...he lied, said it was dinner, kissing, that's it.

I KNEW in my gut that wasn't all there was. It took HER calling our house a few months later for me to get the whole gory story. And then a few more months for the A to end (I thought it already had ) and yet more details to emerge....

Your H is NOT going to like that you've lied this far. But I think it's far better that he know the truth, than continously "wonder" about it. Just read Sage's thread if you have any doubts about that.

Now a complication here is the gender reversal. Did you notice that the one person who voted for keeping it quiet was a man? I wonder if that's because the physical side of A's is so much more painful (generally) for men? Personally, had my H just been out for sex, I would have been pissed, outraged...it was the fact that he was "in love" with OW that tore my heart out.

Now a good question is timing...things are JUST starting to warm up a touch for you two. I can understand you not wanting to broach this and risk severing that fragile bond.

Does he ask about this aspect of your A often? Recently?

You might actually want to rehearse what you will say.

eg: "H, this is so hard for me to admit because I am ashamed, afraid of hurting you even more, afraid of your reaction, afraid you might share this with others (big mistake I made early on! )...but yes, it did get physical with OG...2X in the whole 5 months. It helped me see that he wasn't who I thought, not the one for me (if this is true, and it DOES sound like sex with him wasn't all that great)....He was nowhere near the lover you are etc etc. I DO NOT fantasize about him, he freaks me out and scares me and I wish beyond all wishes that I had never let things go so far!!! I hope by sharing this with you I am helping us BOTH to process this and put it behind us. I know you will need time to deal with this, I hope some day you will find it in your heart to forgive me....

Of course use YOUR words!!!

Now, as I said before timing, mood, the state of your R at the moment is critical. You don't want another trip to the ER!!!

He may challenge you..."how can I believe that's all it was? you lied before"...have a response ready..."H, if I wanted to continue to lie to you, I wouldn't have admitted to this AT ALL...you are the ONLY other person on this planet who knows about this.

Hope some of this helps, only you can make the decision that is right for you.

Shiny

[lostlove]

He wants to know if me and the OG slept together and I have denied it from the start. (It did happen 2 times over the 5 months)He got so violent and freaked out just thinking it was an EA that i really don't want to tell him everything...Think that is OK? There is no way he will find out- no one else knew except me & the OG and he told people we did but- I just denied it cause there was no proof. I think I'm protecting myself and him from more pain...I hope that's the right thing to do. He said he didn't have sex with the girl he met at the bar but he didn't get home from her house until 4am...I don't believe him...but I really don't WANT the details if you know what I mean! So, I figure he really doesn't need the details either!

you've gotten yourself in a tough position now because you lied about it when first questioned...he will continue to ask until you give him the answer he wants...the truth...but now because you've lied about it so many times the pain will be greater it wont just be the fact that you did sleep with him it will be a bigger pain because you lied about it so many times.

my h had an ea...doesn't admit to it being even a little physical..(am I stupid or what) she denies it being physical...for christ sake...he left me...she asked her h for a d so she could be with my h and they never so much as kissed?? because h still denies denies denies when and if he does tell me the truth...it will sting to know sure..but it will be all the more hurtfull to learn that he could blatantly lie to my face again and again and again.

but as sadistic as it may seem...I truly want to know the truth...if h was physical with her I'd like for him to be able to tell me and then we can move forward together without that lingering question...if he did not well then I guess I just have to believe him...but I think I'll always be waiting for that other shoe to drop.

the decision is up to you...can you live with it...can you live with lying forever...

LL

[smokry]

Does he ask about this aspect of your A often? Recently?

Yes...actually he doesn't really ask- he just accuses and says I know you f***** him! Then he goes on to say that he better not ever find out that I did or he is done. Or he'll just say you better hope to God I don't ever find out for sure...and he just trails off right there. We started arguing about something a couple of weeks ago and as usual- it turned in to the OG fight.

The A was over last March 2002- I ended it- period- but then OG for months after kept trying to contact me. He called my mobile phone and I just started handing it to my H to answer. Those converstations were not pretty. Then OG finally quit talking to him and would just hang up when he answered and finally quit calling altogether.But then he started emailing me...of which I DID tell my H and he totally freaked out again. I blocked the guy from emailing me and blocked him for instant messaging me, too. I haven't heard from him at all in at least 6 months...though he does still drive through my neighborhood (I've seen him in the last month and a friend saw him just the other day). I haven't told H about that because he will assume that I am still seeing him and have another fit.Between the OG not getting out of the picture and my H not able to let it go the A has stayed very much in the forefront of our relationship.

I've been giving telling him a lot of thought and what his reactions might be- here is what I've come up with...If I tell him the WHOLE truth he:

1. Would thank me for being honest even though it was painful to hear and he would forgive me and we would move forward on working on our M (this scenario is VERY unlikely)

2. He would get violent again (over the course of our M he has kicked in a bedroom door, kicked a hole in the kitchen wall, punched a hole in the wall by the back door, and of course- there was the trip I took to the ER for stitches in my face)Normally when he loses it- alcohol is involved and he has never except that one time hurt me- it's always taken out on inanimate objects but I can assure you I don't want to find out if that will change because the first time he lays a HAND on me in anger or a fit of rage...I am GONE and it will be OVER.

3. He will scream & yell and tell everyone all about it and trash me all over town again which will probably be the last straw for our marriage.

4. He will find OG and beat the crap out of him and end up in jail. Shortly after A ended I was at a friend's house- OG shows up- I'm in the process of leaving and telling him to leave me alone, etc.Someone else saw both our cars- calls H- he shows up and punches OG in the face- friend gets mad- you're on my property, you have no right, etc..and H and friend get into fight. Cops come out...OG and friend do not press charges (because I begged them not to)

I just don't know if I can go through all of this again...as you can see, option 2,3 & 4 aren't that great(hell- he might do all three!) and I don't have much faith in option 1 happening. He was always the jealous type but since this has happened he is like a psycho-crazed maniac...I don't even know this person that can snap like he has started doing and this violent crap has got to stop.

So- I figure that he knows about the A...he just doesn't have ALL the details. Granted, that's an important detail but is it really necessary to tell it? I DON'T want to know for sure about the ow he went home with. I don't want the details...And I'm not sure he can handle the whole truth.

Part of me would like to come clean to ease my concious...but the other side is that it could make things MUCH worse! Still haven't made a decision...I'll let you know!