Okay,so some background here. My WW and I have been together for around 10 years. I met her right at the end of her high school days, she ran off from her hometown and moved to the big city of Dallas as soon as she could (which is where I lived). I was a touring musician at the time, so our relationship was very difficult at best. I stayed true to her, and she was infatuated with me. Eventually, when I left the music industry and decided to pursue and education again, we moved back to her hometown so we could get a new start together. At one point when we first moved, we had a lot of relationship problems. We both went into a deep depression, and started to not treat each other very well. We were living at her parents house.
One day, I came home to her telling me that she couldn't be with me anymore. So, I was kicked out of the house with nowhere to go, and barely knew anyone. I eventually did find a house to rent with some other college students, and began to live my life again. About 6 months had passed, and she started contacting me, saying that she missed me and that she wanted to see me again. We did start talking again, and eventually started seeing each other again. It was about this time I found out a huge secret she'd recently let go of. That she had been molested by her birth father as a teenager. She went into a downward spiral at that time. Drinking a lot, addicted to pain killers, very messy.
She went on an almost bipolar roller coaster, got some new sales job, got rid of her paid off car, and got some new sports car she could barely afford, and about the same time I realized that she had begun a relationship with a 50 year old man within her company. She was 24 at the time. Anyways, she turned into a different person, then proceeded to just pack up her stuff and move to a different city 1 1/2 hours away and started staying with this guy. Her whole family was extremely upset about it. She stayed there for about 2 1/2 months. Quit her job, lost the new car, and one day called and said she wanted to come home. She came home, and apologized for what she had done and hoped that I would take her back. We tried to do some piecing, she started to fall back into the drinking and drug habits again, and I told her I would not stay with her if she continued to do it. So, she quit cold turkey from the drugs, saw a counselor for a little while, but then quit.
She continued to get better, and eventually I felt confident that I was finally ready to get married, so I went out and bought a ring. I somewhat held on to some of the bitterness from her tryst with the older man, and it always sat there, I wish I would have dealt with that. We were engaged for a year, and then found out we were going to have a little one. My wife stopped working when she was 6 months pregnant, and I continued to work. WE had our daughter, and things were pretty good for awhile. My wife stayed home for the first year and took care of my daughter. Eventually, she decided to go back to work. Prior to going back to work, she began doing a lot of exercising and did lose a lot of the weight.
She got a job working as a case worker in a state office, and started making some friends here and there. Our relationship I guess you could describe had gotten into a bit of the parenting fog. We didn't do much with each other. I've not always been the most emotionally available of people, and our intimacy level wasn't as frequent as it should have been. She's very high maintenance in that department, and was one of the main things that she has said she got tired of asking for. I got resentful and withdrew because of the way she talked to me sometimes, and every once in awhile I would get frustrated and angry when something minor would happen. I withdrew into gaming some, and after awhile, her complaints and nagging begin to subside. I began feeling a little better again, and so I got my nose off the computer and began interacting more.
It was at this time I noticed things were different. She was spending lots of money on clothing, makeup, underwear. She began saying that she was going to have to work more overtime because she was way behind at work. Our intimacy level was at an almost standstill. We went out one Sat night, and had a few drinks, I tried to be flirty and playful with her, but she wasn't having it. I got angry, and we didn't say much on the car ride home. I slept on the couch that night. The next day she came down and said she was sorry for what she had acted and said that she needed to talk to me. That night is when I got the ILYBINILWY letter. Her feelings had changed. I immediately went out and began a 180. I started working out super hard, I read at least 5 books including the 5LL and Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. She was still wearing her rings, and still saying ILY.
Things seemed to be better, but then she started spending money again, and spent lots of time in the morning doing makeup, and in the evening doing her beauty regimen. I had seen some TMs from a coworker that I knew that weren't leading, but had some content that you shouldn't really discuss with someone not your husband. She began to say she would have to work late more frequently. Then, she went to the dentist and tried to convince me hat she needed to get a loan to get $7000 worth of wisdom teeth pulled, and getting oral cosmetic surgery. This was a big red flag for me. That night, I took her into the bedroom, and let her know that I wasn't comfortable with getting that much credit in my name because of how our relationship had been recently. She was completely fine with it, and that didn't sit well with me. So, I came out and asked her straight up if she had been or is having an affair and she said yes.
That night I just went ballistic, I told her she would have to leave. I was so angry. She slept on the couch. The next day, I went to a D Lawyer to see what my rights were, and what should happen. She knows I went, but I decided that D was not the answer. She told me that she had recently broken it off with OM, but she needed some space. So, she got an apartment on the other side of town, we split the phone accounts up, she got her own bank account, she had to go rent furniture and start up new utilities on her own. She doesn't make much money. She said she would have to be living apart from me in order to qualify for Legal Aid in case she needed a lawyer, but I don't know if this is necessarily true. So, here we are now, about 3 weeks separated. She had said that she had split it off with OM, but I found texts in her phone the night before Thanksgiving from someone labelled as "My Love" in her phone with texts fit for a newly nesting couple.
I have since found out the OM is someone that works at her office, is my age, has been married for 10 years, has a mortgage and 2 kids and is in a supervisory position. I withdrew quite a bit after I found this out. She told her mother that she really wasn't talking to him anymore, but I don't believe that. She wants this as a trial separation, and then to see how we work out, but if not, she would prefer an amicable uncontested divorce if that's what happens. I have had 2 wonderful coaching sessions with Jody, and I'm set for another one on Thursday, but she doesn't know the details I've found out about the Text messages since our last coaching. I asked her if she somehow thought this other person would magically divorce his wife and run to be with her and her reply was "I don't have those answers". When I've asked her how she thinks this will effect our D, she just says "Oh, kids are resilient, eventually she'll be fine." So........I know this was a long one, but, advice would be grateful. I don't feel there's a lot of hope here. The thought of breaking up my family fills me with fear and bitterness. My W has become someone I don't recognize anymore, and most of what she's done just feels like a pre-run for going divorce and splitting up our family.
Me:36 W: 27 D2 T10 M:2.5 Filed D 1/14/16 BD: Sep 15 A Discovered: 11/17/15 She moves out 11/19/15
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks Cadet. I have read DR 2x already. As well as 5LL, Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley, Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. I'm a very quick and avid reader. I can see through reading DR some of the things that I have done to lead up to this. Lol, ironically, my DB Coach had advised me to stay off the boards, but I just need a place to vent atm, and maybe journal about my experiences. Detaching has been my goto response with her trysts in the past. I have typically dropped the rope, and then suddenly she would come back. This particular event has me more concerned than usual, primarily because now I have a child involved. It would be one thing if we were still single and she did this. But, I'm a Ride or Die type of person, and once I commit, I don't quit.
Me:36 W: 27 D2 T10 M:2.5 Filed D 1/14/16 BD: Sep 15 A Discovered: 11/17/15 She moves out 11/19/15
my DB Coach had advised me to stay off the boards,
WHY?
Was this explained to you?
Well, because the forums were mostly people who were going through it, and not trained professionals. I could possibly jump into something that may be wrong for my situation before taking the advice of a coach.
Me:36 W: 27 D2 T10 M:2.5 Filed D 1/14/16 BD: Sep 15 A Discovered: 11/17/15 She moves out 11/19/15
I have since found out the OM is someone that works at her office, is my age, has been married for 10 years, has a mortgage and 2 kids and is in a supervisory position.
Without forewarning or discussion with your wife you should tell the OM's wife the truth about her life. It's the decent thing to do. Chances are OM will dump your wife like a hot potato as soon as he realizes all he has to lose once he wife finds out he's cheating on him. Your wife is most likely just his side piece for the time being. Regardless of whether his wife divorces him or makes him dump your wife, keeping the affair a secret from her kind of makes you their co-conspirator in the lie. His wife may even make him fire your wife which will tick off your wife and could result in a nice little wrongful termination sexual harassment lawsuit. It's not like you can recover your marriage while they still work together anyway so somebody has to leave, might as well get a lawsuit $ out of it in the process.
Is/Was your wife actually clinically diagnosed as Bi-Polar? Promiscuity is a symptom of the illness and any person with bi-polar needs a spouse willing to hold them strictly accountable for their behavior 24/7 even when they appear not to be cycling (because once they are cycling you'll never get them to allow you any power or control). If she is in fact bi-polar, you may be better off getting custody of your daughter and trying to raise her as quietly and as far away from mental illness as you can.
BTW, moving out to "get space" is wayward speak for moving out to continue the affair without your annoying interference and having to feel so guilty looking at you. She hasn't ended the affair and won't as long as you continue to enable her. Last time she did this she didn't come home and beg for you back until she hit rock bottom. She'll wait until rock bottom again and expect you to help her pick up the pieces AGAIN.
IF she's bi-polar - require her to appoint you her legal guardian for all healthcare and financial matters, acknowledging her illness and assigning you the custodial parent of your child before you'll take her back. Basically it's a "I'll only help you take care of yourself but I need you to surrender and acknowledge your illness and put me in charge of looking after you legally and financially". You do this because you love her and Bi-polar cycles get worse with age and often result in suicide. She'll need help avoiding that tragic end.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Georgia AM. I have wrestled with that for about 3 weeks. Almost went so far as to hire a PI to get definitive proof. But, I felt the proof would just throw me back into that place and that exposing the affair would do more harm than good. The only proof I have, is her phone records prior to Nov. 14th where his number shows up a bunch. As well as another male coworker that I know and in no way, shape or form could have been the OM. She told her mother the first name of the man, and armed with an internet connection, and motivation, I got all his employee data records, property tax records, marriage records, cell phone account from friends at a wireless store I used to run, and his first and last name as well as his golf tee off times, and the Catholic Church he is a Eucharistic Minister at. But, I didn't take pictures of the texts the night I saw them, mostly out of pure shock of what I read and I flew into an anxious wreck. So, I just don't think I've got enough to go to the wife with honestly. Other than my wife admitted she was having an affair, the first name from her mother, and that I know he was married and 2 kids. The rest I had to go all stalkerish to find, although I'm a former Marine, so intel is an important part of any op.
Me:36 W: 27 D2 T10 M:2.5 Filed D 1/14/16 BD: Sep 15 A Discovered: 11/17/15 She moves out 11/19/15
Also, as to Clinically diagnosed.....no. She has had addiction problems in the past with pain pills and alcohol a few years ago. But, she was getting addicted to her appearance here most recently. Spending lots of money on wanting to get her hair done, new clothes, victorias secret underwear of which she never wore for me. Look, I'm more than willing to accept my part in the downfall of our marriage, I can completely accept that. But stepping out on our marriage was just, the wrong thing to do. She's become extremely narcissistic, vain, and is extremely focused on how OTHER people view her. It was one of the things she said in the ILYBINILWY letter. That "other" people told her all the time that she was a knockout, and I never did. So, she's been getting her confidence boosted by compliments to her external appearance.
Me:36 W: 27 D2 T10 M:2.5 Filed D 1/14/16 BD: Sep 15 A Discovered: 11/17/15 She moves out 11/19/15
I volunteer in the marriage ministry at a very large church. Our team would very much want to know if one of us had fallen into sin so far such that we could immediately take action to root out and defeat the evil. Grab your shield and grab your sword. You don't need to convince THEM they are having an affair, they already know it.
PI's aren't necessary when a voice activated digital recorder hidden in the car will do (or a simply gps tracking device). Snooping for the sake of just monitoring is against DB methods because it'll drive you crazy and the information is meaningless after confirmation; however, confirming, documenting, and proving the actually existence of the affair is an essential first step. It's dealing with the reality of the situation honestly. Not only so you can tell the OM's wife, but also so you can communicate to your wife that you know she's lying, the gig is up, she's cheating with [full name], I've already told his wife and given her proof and I demand you immediately end your affair (the demand would be open ended....no real "or else" yet - the "or else" is just, "i don't know I just know I'm not going to continue to be in a open marriage"). Also, proof of an affair, should you divorce, could be a factor in child custody and it's the ACTUAL story of your life (and the real reason for the demise of your marriage). Sure you played a part in the unhappiness that was your marriage but you are in no way responsible for your wife's decision to cheat on you. That is a an indication of her inadequate coping mechanisms. She had other choices available to her like divorce or real honest separation. Maybe you weren't great a being a husband but cheating makes her a bad person (until she repents).
Where is your child? With you, I hope. Active wayward spouse are terrible parents.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
She splits time between us. Half there half at my place. My wife has taken everything that is gets only and taken it to get new place. I'm left with all of our wedding pictures and what not. I don't even sleep in our bed anymore, even though I wouldn't let her have the sheets. Everything in my house is what she put together and now I'm uncomfortable in all of it.Especially After having visited her little love nest on the other side of town. I'm torn on whether I should pursue the information or not. I know where he lives, and could find out what car he drives easily. He doesn't know what I look like. I don't know that she calls him, it was always texts.
Me:36 W: 27 D2 T10 M:2.5 Filed D 1/14/16 BD: Sep 15 A Discovered: 11/17/15 She moves out 11/19/15
