Separated and I'm doing all the wrong things!

[- MB -]

I keep wondering if I will ever sleep through the night again and when I will wake up NOT thinking about him. Must work on detaching!

I can definitely feel your pain on this one. He only pops into my head about 4 million times a day. I never sleep more than 4 hours at a time, and that's if I'm lucky. I have stopped crying and sobbing hysterically every single day. I just feel so sad and empty inside. I KNOW that it has to get easier, I just don't think it will be any time soon. You are in the perfect place for support though. The people on her have some great advice.

[yola]

Thanks MB. I'm down to sobbing hysterically every other day. I guess that's an improvement from every day. I just read your story. Same boat. I too was wondering if I should contact the OW but won't for all the reasons others stated in other posts.

[yola]

Question... I'm trying to detach and have minimal contact. But it's hard because we have to communicate re the kids. I can manage that. But how do I handle it when he constantly sends group texts to me and the kids? He is obviously trying hard to be the good guy and stay involved. So he sends witty, or funny texts and photos to all of us. He is actually doing this more now than before he moved out. Should I respond? I noticed that the kids don't always acknowledge him. I'm so torn. The part of me wants to have the back and forth but what is that accomplishing?

[- MB -]

I would not answer his texts. Continue doing the 180, GALing, act as if, and, when all else fails, fake it till you make it. Sounds as if he is trying to keep you around while still getting to go and do whatever he wants on the side. By not responding, you are showing him that you are NOT desperate enough to sit on the sidelines waiting for breadcrumbs. You deserve more than that. As for the group texts, have you done a google search to find out if there's some way to block the group messages on your phone? Or, perhaps an app that will do it for you? There's an app for everything these days, surely someone has come up with one for the annoying group messages.

I think the reason I don't cry every day anymore is because I have't seen called, texted, or talked to my H in any way, shape or form for alost 3 weeks. It has been SO hard and he is on my mind constantly. The tears have stopped for the most part though. I do feel numb and dead inside though. Pretty sure that is the depression and hurt but I don't know how to make it stop. I go to IC once a week, and walk a LOT, but haven't been very successfull in GALing. Apparently, if there's one out there, it hides from me very well! I will find it though.

You're situation is a bit different because you have children with him. Pull yourself together as best as you can because you have to stay strong for them. You don't want them to see how hurt you are all the time. My kids have seen way too many tears, crying and general falling apart on my behalf. I am embarrased that they saw that from me. I don't want them to see me as being a weak person. So, do something fun with your kids. Send lots of time with them. Make them your priority and try to be strong in front of them. This too shall pass and eventually you will find peace and happiness in your life.

Here's a cyber hug (((((Yola))))). Just remember one day at a time. That's all you can do. And, if you can't do that, try 10 minutes at a time.

[yola]

You have wise words. I'm also struggling to GAL. Not sure what it is I want. We can do this! You go girl.

[tl2]

Not sure what it is I want.

Well, I'm not sure I believe you

What is the context you're talking about: what you want in terms of your M; want you want for you as an individual?

[Rain75]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can relate. Not sleeping much or eating much. Its Hell. And even though you broke a few rules..like its been said...you adhered to many others. You're a million light years ahead of me.

[yola]

Not sure what it is I want.

Well, I'm not sure I believe you

What is the context you're talking about: what you want in terms of your M; want you want for you as an individual?

I have been questioning everything. On the one hand, I don't want to give up on my marriage and find myself constantly rehearsing what I'm going to say when he comes to his senses and admits his mistake and willingness to come back. On the other hand, I know I shouldn't get my hopes up and that I should move on. I don't know if he has the capacity to treat me like I deserve to be treated. Will he ever be able to send me the kinds of texts he sent to the OW? Will I truly be able to become a loving wife again with him? There is so much pain. I suppose I would try. We owe it to our kids. Neither of us have siblings and both sets of parents are long gone. The core family unit is all that our kids have and now that is at risk.

As for GAL.... I am searching to find my identity and who I want to be and what I want to accomplish the rest of my life.

[yola]

Thanks Rain75. You have it harder with young children. I feel for what you are going through. Stay strong

[tl2]

On the one hand, I don't want to give up on my marriage

And you don't have to.

and find myself constantly rehearsing what I'm going to say when he comes to his senses and admits his mistake and willingness to come back.

Not sure why this should matter right now. This is one possibility for the future out of many, some of which you can't even imagine right now. Let the future take care of itself.

On the other hand, I know I shouldn't get my hopes up

Agreed that you shouldn't get your hopes up about your M because you can't control what your H does. Nothing wrong with a healthy amount of hope for your future as an individual whether it includes H or not.

and that I should move on.

Well you should definitely move forward in your life without pinning your decisions on his presence or commitment...that doesn't mean moving on from the M at this time unless you decide to end the M yourself or he starts the D process soon.