So today my daughter went to the city she is moving to after graduation. She is signing her lease for her 1st apt.. I had gone with her to locate the place for her 2 months ago. Today my WW drove up separately from D to see place. I decided not to go along. My D was ok with my decision not to go. My WW expected me to be there but I am doing a NC with her so I really did not want to be with her and pretend to be a family at this time. My D will tell me if she mentioned my absence. I assume she was relieved though. Not sure if it was right or wrong not to go along, but it felt right for me. I will update later on if anything comes up.
Saw this in another thread. Figured Id reply here.
How many marriages that have EA/PA's actually succeed at reconciliation? Not sure. But Ive seen a few on here. And I figure that the people that come here are the MOST desperate, in the MOST dire of straits. So, Im guessing at least a fair percentage.
Been married 25 years and by all accounts a very good marriage. W has had some emotional baggage she has always carried with her and the AP has even more issues. Ill admit, I havent read your thread. But it sounds like you are blaming your W for this completely. Is that the case? If so, I dont see a lot of potential for R....
How long do these A's last and when does the WS finally come to a realization it's not what they thought? Ive heard that the average is around 6-9 months. But that doesnt mean a ton. Some are shorter, some are longer. And the shorter ones could have AP2 or AP3...
Mine has been in one for 10/11 months and there doesn't seem to be any daylight.
Are there any consequences that are visible to the WS while they are in affair? And when separated what consequences can they have. Inherently, no. But what kinds of changes has yours felt? Im not sure you should think of them as consequences, necessarily. That sounds like 'punishment'. And thats not really the intent. More, letting them dig their own hole. Maybe thats what you mean, but the word 'consequences' in your context feels odd.
Seems she can pretty much live her life the way she wants at this time. She has some income and but enough in savings she has tapped into so funds are not a problem for her but they are for him. He's on his 8th eviction from the same apt.complex since last 2013 til now last month. Works 6 months on then off all winter. Leave her and him to their finances. You just worry how it impacts you and your D. If she spends all her savings, that isnt REALLY your problem...
I decided not to go along. My D was ok with my decision not to go. My WW expected me to be there but I am doing a NC with her so I really did not want to be with her and pretend to be a family at this time. My D will tell me if she mentioned my absence. I assume she was relieved though. Not sure if it was right or wrong not to go along, but it felt right for me.
Honestly, this is disappointing.
Dont sacrifice your ability as a parent in order to avoid your WW. Being a great parent is ATTRACTIVE. And going to this is a way to exhibit your changes.
Dont do or not do something because of the way it feels. Choose your actions based on logic and whether it moves you towards you goal.
That said - what are your goals? Did staying home help you to move closer to them?
I respectfully disagree. He mentions D was OK with the decision, and WW has "expecting" him to be there. Seems like a perfect 180/go dark/throw WW for a loop.
Quote:
That said - what are your goals? Did staying home help you to move closer to them?
I however cannot disagree with always using this as an assessment.
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
I just talked to a friend of mine who's W has been having an A (1yr). She filed for divorce last month and it should be final in 30 days. All along he has been going along with what she has been saying about the marriage and its problems. He has been empathetic to her and says to W your right I haven't been a great partner the last couple years, but I am in counseling and I am changing and making myself better. Now 30 days into D she is back pedaling, calling and texting him all the time. She wants to work on marriage now. He is being cautious and says its ok to her and is just letting her go. He wants to save marriage but isn't pushing her. She is beginning to pursue him. I happy for him. He had been thru a situation like this 20 years ago with his first wife. He knew what to expect and made his decision not to pressure her early on and let her go. It seems to be working. Me on the other hand. I tried for the first 8 months and finally I am letting go. My W has shown no remorse and has really stopped communicating altogether. Not just with me, but with our daughter also. I don't really understand the lack of comm. with D as they were extremely close. Next weekend we have graduation and I am going to discuss with my WW how we are going to handle it. D does not want to walk in her college grad. ceremony. I told her she has earned it and we are very proud of her, please don't let this stop what you are doing in life. She is very down. We seem to know a couple family's in this same situation and the WW all have shown remorse except my W. This brings on alot of pain for us. I am going to try and discuss our situation with her. She has never opened up to me about what had happened. Just we drifted apart. That was my answer. I am thinking of changing the approach to what he has been doing. IDK if it will have any effect but what do I have to lose. If she doesn't want the marriage I cant force her. I'll just move on in my life and better myself as I go. Maybe she will realize that she is losing the 99% for the 1% of the AP.
Azzork, I appreciate the comments but I disagree on this point.
I understand how to be a good parent. I have a great D, who is/was happy, happy. Graduating with honors from MSU, and has accepted a position with a major co.. She is wise beyond her 22 years. Just disappointed and hurt. W left her this year and has really had no contact to speak of. Until I ring the bell with W to stop being so selfish and let her know she is losing her D. D is ready to throw towel in.
But maybe this is part of the reason we are in this position. Probably over emphasized the kid and neglected the marriage. W was more guilty of this then I. She never wanted a sitter, because she was molested by one. I understood that. We poured our life into family first. I understand we got here because of both took care of everyone elses needs first instead of our own. But thats who we are. Until now.
Most people understand that when you have problems, you typically need to deal with them before they get to big. My W decided to clam up as always and I guess pretend everything was normal. Guess not. She admits to not ever speaking up about what she was feeling. Felt we were drifting.
But She is 100% responsible with the A.
I do blame her for that choice. We always talked and worked out issues. She told me it was wrong but didn't stop. Now she's knee deep.
Did this get me closer to my goals. Nope. D did not want her there, but gave in after I asked D to allow her to come along. But I don't believe it lost any ground either. She has her own no contact thing going. If I don't initiate it I don't hear from her. And when I do its very short texts.
Obviously the Goal is to save my marriage and create a new one that is great. Just I am not sure what direction to go. Working with my DB coach we agreed the NC was the start. I have been under the no contact, unless I need to speak to her re: D. At this time I am trying to GAL. As we all know that we are no good when we are obsessing over what our W or H is doing. Over analyzing everything.
Unfortunately W has been enabled by my sister in law, who gave her a job and found her a place to stay that is nice and affordable. Now I don't have a relationship with my brother and his wife. Sad, since I come from a family of 6 kids and he and I were extremely close. They said they didn't want to get involved or in the middle. But they have. Funny thing is my W always disliked my sister in law with a passion for 25 years. Now they are best friends. W's A is upsetting to the rest of the family. Even her own sisters have asked her to stop. Nothing registers with W. Never knew life could get so screwed up. I guess I had a charmed life for 52 years. Battling cancer, losing sister to drunk driver, and father to inept DR., was actually easier to deal with then this.
If anyone has any ideas that have worked for them I am more then willing to work at them.
Just filed for D. I am tired and decided that it is best for me and D. I believe she is on drugs and I will have no part of her at this time. Good Luck to the rest of you.
Thats hard to say. I have endured 9 months of lies and deceit. My moral compass says this marriage needs to end. My D spoke to her last night and W told her she chooses him over her. How deranged is that. Really!! Who does that. I still love her and will be kind as I can but I will not put up with that kind of crap. I dont care if she is in lala land or not. Hopefully she comes to her senses sometime down the road. Normal people don't walk away on their kids. I will keep trying to reach her but she has mentally ck'd out at this point.
Please don't misunderstand me. I get the D part, no judgement on my part...it is the WORK ON YOU part that won't be done just because you are divorced. That is what I was sayin'
