Having a good day with s4. I asked him what he wanted to get mommy for christmas, and he said a wedding ring so he can get a step dad. Says that he wants a step mom and step dad so that he will have spare parents and more family. I guess that is a healthy way to look at it if you are 4. But, I do not want to be split from what I had, so it kinda threw me backwards. He also asked if I can come visit him at W house and play Xbox with him. Then he said to stop this and not let mommy quit being married to you. He said if I won't, then he will. I told him that mommy can do whatever mommy wants, and nobody has the right to stop it. Not really sure what I should have said, but I gave him truth.
That all hurts.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Sorry, man. That's tough. I think the truth gently served in a portion that the kids can handle at whatever age they are is the best thing. Sounds like you did the best that could be done to me.
My boys are early 20s. One says he doesn't like it but just doesn't think about it. The other says he doesn't like it but there's nothing he can do about it.
FWIW...I told mine essentially the same thing. It's mom's decision. She has to own it and we can't control it...we can just decide how we will respond.
Thanks tl2. Being their ages, it's hard to know what to say. I asked him if he was ok, and he said he misses me when he is with W and misses her when with me. I completely believe that.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
You said "I have my own elf on the shelf now. We have a Christmas tree made of lights on the wall, and the kids think it's awesome. Not really much else planned, but I am open to suggestions.
Every year, I lift one of the boys up and they put the angel on the top of the tree. I asked them who did it this year, and they said mommy. Kinda seemed disappointed"
It's okay to be disappointed but maybe your wife loved when you lifted up a son and wanted to continue the tradition. The boys will remember their Dad lifting them up every Christmas and they will do it for their kids. You own that, you started that, the fact that they did it is a tribute to you. Be proud of yourself.
Starting a new tradition is a good idea. I think it should be a father son thing. It should start this year for the obvious reason. Think of something that is for the Christmas season but can float within the calendar so you can fit it in. Cutting down a tree, going hunting, going fishing in Florida over break, going camping, anything you and they love. Something they will want to do with you and with their kids later in life. You can introduce it as " the first annual .....". It doesn't have to big production, it should be a time of bonding between father and sons. I can't chose for you, it must be something from your heart.
On a separate note, are you the DB'er with the old car you were going to restore with your kids?
With their ages, and energy levels, it's hard right now to take them and do much of anything. S4 is a handful. So even going to a high school ball game is an adventure. We all love camping, hiking, fishing. Typical boy stuff. So I will try and incorporate more of that.
Well, I have s7 basketball in a few, W is coach. Haven't really had much interaction in a couple weeks, hope to keep it up today.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Not doing as good as I had hoped. Walked in and W is already there, talking to a guy that has always wanted her with her son. Never have trusted him. So maybe that set the mood? W comments to me are mostly kids stuff. Then she tells me that she is going Christmas shopping with her mom, and is going to skip S8 game this afternoon. S8 convinced her to stay. Then she talks about pics for christmas cards with her mom. She has immersed herself and the boys in her parents this holiday season. Filling the gap that removing me has left.
Feeling angrier, more bummed. W doesn't even see what she is doing, never takes the time to be alone. Need to find a better way to cope. Still see her out spending money (she bought something from someone at the game), and acting like this is normal.
Her actions DO still affect my mood, but less than it used to be. Still way more than I want. I don't hate her. I hate what she has done. I don't like her right now, and I am being cold to her, not intentional, but I don't want to be around her. Can't believe this is my W. Not sure what I see in her right now. Having trouble with PMA today. Gonna see her again in an hour...
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
I asked him if he was ok, and he said he misses me when he is with W and misses her when with me.
Yep. That is the predicament of kids from divorced families. I am one, and that is what I experienced right up until my father passed a few years ago. Unfortunately, there's no remedy except not getting divorced. However, like other unwanted life changes, it will have to be managed as constructively as possible and how you handle it will be key to how the kiddos feel.
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W doesn't even see what she is doing
She likely sees it completely differently from how you/we see it, and sees you differently from how you see yourself. Only thing to do is what's best for you as an individual and the kids' dad. As much as it hurts, you're on your own path now and that may be permanent. What can you do to take charge and make that a good thing for you and the boys?
Rough questions and comments from the kids, dday. I feel for you there. D5 makes them quite often also and a few months ago W would ignore or respond awkwardly but now its a bit different. Just keep being true to yourself and that awesome dad. What she does or thinks doesn't matter so much right now.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
