Unlurking, Rd II: Hitting reset

[SciDad]

This is going to sound more angry than I want it to, but why is it that my wife still tells the OM that she loves him, yet can't say the same to me?

She acts like we're doing better, now calls me "babe" (for years she'd only been using my real name). She got a huge grin when I got a little drunk last night and used a new nickname for her. She grabbed my butt while I was cooking. Mentioned long term plans together.

Yet she sent a good night text to the other man and told him she loved him. WTF! I trust nothing she says or does for the time being, but it's so hard not to get excited and feel I'm gaining traction...

[SciDad]

Note to self: Stay the course for the next few weeks. Play with my kids every opportunity I get. Don't wallow in self pity.

Be super pleasant when in-laws visit at Christmas. Don't give them any ammunition.

Then start going out to meet people in the new year

[gonegrl]

SciDad, are you reading her texts? If you have access to them, are you making copies in case you need them? I remember those days, when the texting was going on and it was awful. I don't have any advice, just want to let you know from someone who has been there that reading the texts probably makes it worse for you emotionally, you will NEVER forget a word of it, and also, just to give you hope, that A's do end. Although things are still not good.

H gave me a very nice gift card to a guitar shop- I am going tomorrow to pick one out. Maybe we can go on tour this summer- LOL.

[SciDad]

She is deleting most of them (I assume) and there is usually just 1 or 2 when I look, which is not all that often. I'm looking to see if her actions align with what's happening in her phone. So far, not so much. And yes, I save screenshots. At the very least it helps when I don't feel I'm making any progress to look back and realize she had feelings for the om just a month ago. Sure, I think I've been db'ing for 4 months, but she was a little too wrapped up in her ea to notice. It helps a little that I almost never go back and look at the texts. I know it hurts when I look.

Today she saw something funny at work and texted me about it. I sent a couple jokes and continued on my day. She used to love my humor, but I haven't really been feeling all that jokey for the past few years. It probably was a bad idea, but I wanted to show her I was getting back to the person she fell in love with. Probably pathetic, but I am what I am.

As for the tour, I think it'd be awesome, fun, and more than a little terrifying. How many chords do you know? I might have to work hard to catch up. But I Coolidge could use the extra motivation

[SciDad]

I'm struggling this morning. Please, please help me get my focus out of my mind and into the present.

I don't have bad things to report, no backsliding. But my heart hurts and I feel like cr@p. I'm not sure why, but this morning I'm seriously questioning my resolve and whether or not I can stay on course. This all started when I left for work this morning (wife was still getting ready - I've been sticking to my specific departure time after getting the kids ready) and thought about how long W and I have known the OM. Over six years. We've known him for almost half our marriage.

And then I started wondering how long this EA has been going on? Looking for signs during the last 3 years. And sadly, finding them.

My mind is realing and I am spiraling into self-doubt. How the F can I compete with their relationship? How long will it take for the affair to burn out? What will it take for my wife to decide to leave one of us? And why do I care? I'm supposed to be working on me, but I'm stuck in the mud thinking bad, hopeless thoughts about things that I cannot realistically change.

To help illustrate the funk I'm in I'll let you all know that I'm not wearing my wedding ring right now. It's nearby on my desk, but my psyche wants me to know what it feels like to not have it on. Is this detaching or is this depression? I have lunch plans to work on ... and have bought a few similar books to work to regain my former confidence, but it feels hollow.

I feel hollow.

And of course what song comes on the radio? Bob Marley - "Waiting in vain." WTF? I swear the fates are laughing at my pain....

[TxHubby]

You have to do the hard 180. Follow the program like it's a religion. Have faith in it. Every time you go against the 180 you make your situation worse. I resisted the 180 and almost into divorce. When I finally got with the program 100% as a last ditch effort it turned my situation around in less than 3 months. It works. Not 100% of the time but a higher % of the time than anything else. Read it daily, think about it, follow it to the letter. Don't do some steps but not others. If you really want her back as the loving wife she was then the 180 is your best chance.

[vise82]

Hey Scidad,

Just to let you know that you have this, you can do this, if just one other man has before you so can you.

If you are down today, look forward to the better days that are coming your way soon.

[SciDad]

You have to do the hard 180.

That's part of where ...comes from. I'm trying to be more assertive with expressing my needs as a 180.

But your comment rings true on another note. I need to reread DR. I think psychologically I already knew this - I brought it to work with me today

[SciDad]

Thanks for the encouragement, vise.

One day at a time is hard for me - I'm a planner. But I'm learning to accept that not everything can be planned. I'm working on living in the moment more, but I think I'm falling back into old habits.

I thought I already hit the reset button, but it seems like it didn't work. I'll try again.

If at first you don't succeed...

[Ancaire]

Hello SciDad! I usually have to reread DR once a month. Michelle's writing is motivating, and I always pick up on something that feels new, even though I've read it again and again. That book really helps me stay the course, even when I just want to give up.

Of course, so do the folks here on the forums, but I just wanted to commend your choice to reread the book.

((SciDad))