Ok. Major twist. Husband initiated in person conversation. Beginning of conversation was about upcoming court date and how upset he was about being blind sided. Also seemed to want to make sure all i am asking for is child support. I haven't talked to lawyer about this yet so I was under impression that was it. Maybe I can get Spousal too. I don't know. Husband is telling me I might get less which I don't see as possible. Will talk to lawyer. Over all tone I got with this part of conversation was discomfort and uneasiness. I felt kind of bullied or manipulated but I am not sure. I was defensive and so was he.
Next part of conversation he said he thought we should give this another try before committing to divorce. That he doesn't have much hope or expectations but If I agree, we should start a new slate, try marriage counseling, and date without discussing relationship problems to see if we can connect. That he has been lonely and miserable and depressed and wants to do this for kids and because I was his best friend and he realizes when we proceed any friendship will be hard. That he will go to court and continue to give me mandated checks. I asked him if there is or was Infidelity and he said no.(I believe this) I asked him if it was due to finances and he said no (don't believe this). He said he has been very angry and feels I pushed him out and realizes I have been angry and feel abandoned. I told him I was wrong in many ways throughout relationship and he said he was too.
Right now I am mistrustful... 1. Is he trying to buy time for financial or other reason? 2. I was moving on emotionally and am scared to go back to hope phase. 3. Was using anger and fault finding to move on emotionally, but if we are really trying to reconcile that won't help and I will be hurt 4. What if he found out about my postings on here and is testing to see if it's really me? 5. Worried that upcoming court date will sabatoge his desire to reconcile. Worried that he is saying this so I will be reluctant to ask for more from court, if that's possibility (waiting to talk with attorney)
Reasons to trust: 1. He has always been an honest, no games kind of guy. 2. Never saw him as type to walk away from family.
Reasons to not trust: 1. He said finances is all he is concerned with a while ago 2. He has always been a bit unfair and unable to ever see my side when it came to finances 3. The timing 4. He left us
Last edited by Cadet; 12/27/1501:41 PM. Reason: Links
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I felt kind of bullied or manipulated but I am not sure.
Yes, I think he's doing the same old thing. Don't listen to him. He is trying to bluff you into thinking you won't get as much financial support. Listen to your lawyer, and get spousal support, too!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
^^^ Listen to Sandi. A bit of money spent now with your attorney can save you a big headache down the road. Also, ask your attorney if you can have your husband pay for your attorney fees.
Ok, just actually spoke with lawyer over phone. He said our up coming court date is pretty standard as its just a request for child support and not much can happen regarding not paying state mandated amount. We haven't filed for separation of divorce yet.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
If I agree, we should start a new slate, try marriage counseling, and date without discussing relationship problems to see if we can connect.
There's something I don't like about this. I would agree that it's worth it to work on the marriage, but I would suggest not agreeing to terms like that without discussing it together with a MC (a good, pro-marriage MC or DB coach) and asking them what the best way to go about it is. It sounds to me like he's leaving himself an out somehow. Like...oh, we can't connect so the deal's off.
Seems to me it should be done with a commitment to the marriage and no pursuing others, transparency, etc. Connection after you've been married a while is different from connecting with people you've recently met. Expectations should be different, and understood. A C can help make sure everyone's on the same page.
Tl2..he said I should choose marriage counselor, so would probably start with DB coach. I have little trust in counselors right now. I am just waiting to see if he does anything to initiate a date night or anything. I dont know his real motivations, only that the timing is just so suspicious. When I said that, he said he was planning on trying to reconcile before he saw the court petition. He will still have to pay every month regardless so I am confused.
We are both going ahead with court and I'm worried. Judge may give me more then state mandated and he could adjourn (good possibility of this) with atty in which case I will too. He will have to pay majority of legal fees. Judge may just give mandated cs and then the plan is supposedly to work on rebuilding us. Judge may not give me state mandated (little possibility) and I will put hold on it. Neither of us is bringing a lawyer to this. (Both our attorneys said unnecessary at this point) if he does I will request different day with counsel.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Good luck Julie, I may be gullible, but it is possible that he is telling the truth. The truth could be mixed- the financial consideration I am sure is still a factor, but doesn't necessarily mean he isn't also having a change of heart. I would take it very slowly. People do reconcile after it seems all is lost, so time will tell. Protect yourself legally, take it slowly, and you really never know. I wish you the best.
It's hard because it's everything I wanted to hear but I had been doing OK and now I feel back in limbo. And I don't want to set myself up for more dissapointment but it's impossible to not have that hope. I don't think he would be that cruel to do something like that, but I never thought he would leave like he did either
I guess I have to keep going forward like i was, and doing everything for me and kids best interest but that's hard too cause now I'm distracted ans unsettled again.
I don't think either of us has love or trust or respect for each other right now. He did say he noticed I changed. I have not noticed change in him. He still does not call to ask about kids.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Be careful Julie. I was in a similar position years ago with my W and I DB'd good for a while. We finally decided to stop MC and felt like we were doing good on our own. We were not. The truth was she was going to MC mainly for damage control and to make herself look like she was a 'decent person'.
I eventually allowed my expectations to inflate even though her actions weren't really matching her words. That's on me, even though she went along.
He might do just that. Not intended to be cruel, but because it meets some desire of his, and he's oblivious or unconcerned with how it affects others. But remember, he's very confused/conflicted/etc right now too.
What I wished I'd done, for myself: I'm glad I stayed with the marriage and kept the family together because that was my vow for better or worse. However, I should not have been so quick to reconnect, and I ended up after several months trying to drive the reconnection rather than waiting for her to when/if she ever became ready.
In the 80s Reagan used to say, Trust, but verify. I'd say in this kind of sitch it's, Verify, then decide when and if trust is warranted.
Thanks for sharing tl2. Would love to hear more about what works and what doesn't. I'm gonna wait and let him initiate. Usually I am initiator in this type of stuff. Actually in most relationship type stuff. Not fun. I honestly don't want to waste any more time at this point. Although he said he wants to take things slow. If his actions don't reflect what he said, I'm mentally moving on and preparing for my future without him. I was starting to feel better about myself, and thinking of flirting and other confidence building actions. I have to get this in my mind and not take him too seriously because timing wise it does not make sense and again no real actions. He gave me a check for cs but he would have had to pay that any way. A real action would have been if he gave me back money from past few months which were not retroactive. I said that to him and he said no. So that kind of shows no?
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
