I am hoping someone can shed some light on this and maybe give advice/guidance on what my next step should be...assuming I get the chance to take one.
My husband of 21 years and father to our two children, 18 and 15, decided 2 weeks ago that he "loves me but is not in love with me" and will be moving out after the holidays. We just moved to a new state 3 months ago, for his promotion, and our house in the old state has not sold yet. We are very much in debt with little extra cash flow,, so that is why he is unable to move out now, and because the holidays are coming, I am assuming he does not want to devastate the boys.
While this seemingly came out the blue, I can admit that our marriage has been rocky for quite some time. In fact, I almost walked away 8 yrs ago, when there was verbal abuse, depression and alcoholism on his part. I really had no feelings left for the man at all, but I ended up working on myself, read some self help books and visited this forum. I wanted to be the change, and I was. We still went thru a pretty hard time financially, as that has plagued most of our marriage. We have been bankrupt, had a foreclosure, almost lost our house in the housing market crash, only to short sale it later when we moved for his job, and then went through six months of unemployment. I have been a stay at home mom for most of marriage, with a few part time jobs to help when we needed (when we almost lost our house and during his unemployment). So needless the say the past ten years have been rough, throw in three moves to different states, (we have moved 8 times times in our married life) and you could say we have both have been under some serious stressful situations.
Like I said, we just moved here for his job promotion, and I believe he is very regretful of that decision. Our house has not sold yet, straining us financially as all the proceeds from the sale were to pay off all our credit card debt and we could start life anew. The commute everyday is very new to him as he always worked out of our house and traveled quite a lot. Now he gets up, goes to work, comes home, goes to bed and gets up to do it all over again. We have been unable to do all the things we dreamed about doing here-- out to dinner, hockey games, shopping, because of that dang house!! But the first month or two we were happy, dreaming of the future, looking at houses (we are renting right now). I thought we were ok. (Not great, but ok). There were a couple times when he said "I think we should separate" I said "No. We just moved here, I have no friends, family or job. We are both stressed" He said he didn't want to either, and we moved on
And I had not been on my best behavior either. I have been very angry and letting every little thing get under my skin. "Bitchy" as he would call it. As the person who pays the bills, I was feeling the pressure too, because I finally had to call it quits on going out to dinner every Friday night. Well on Halloween, he spent $150.00 at the liquor store and $50.00 was on 4 wine glasses. I lost it. I sobbed hysterically, as now something was not going to get paid. I was mad for two days. but I got over it. We seemed ok after that, then he went away for the weekend to meet friends (I was a little upset as it was the last three days of his vacation).Well anyhow, the time away was good,(we texted a little) because I ended up having an epiphany that my marriage was worth more than $150.00 and some credit card bills that weren't going to get paid, that I really has not been being a nice person, or even myself, and that I had no reason whatsoever to be so angry. My kids are healthy, we always have food and warm beds and warm house, no one really goes without. I would start with me and be the change! Sunday when he got home, everything seemed normal, he was in a fine mood. We texted a little before bed, my "I love you" got responded with "I know". By Tuesday of that week, he dropped the "I love you, but not in love you" bomb, and that "Life was too short". I sobbed hysterically. I guess he had his own epiphany!
Well, I put the new me (actually the old me) into full gear and was just HAPPY!! I ironed his clothes (we had a fight about it a month or so ago), made sure his lunch was out, etc. On Friday, (4 days after the bomb) we are going out to dinner for my youngest birthday, and I come down with a dress on. He says "get up there and lets get a picture of you with your sexy mom" HUH?
Other odd things have been said and done (he washed and vacuumed my car) for a man who is leaving, but one night as we sat on the couch drinking wine (we have not that in forever) he says "I don't know why you are doing this. It won't rekindle anything". I said it was for me.
This morning as he was leaving for the weekend, again!, because he "couldn't sit in his room for three days", he walked in and asked how he looked in his new pants. Did they look good? Fit right? I said "yes, they looked good and they made his butt look good too", He says "hey..your're not suppose to say that kind of stuff anymore"
I think he might be going through a mid life crises. But my question is, what should my next step be? We seem to be on pretty friendly terms, (he asked me yesterday if I needed help making dinner) and I really feel like we just need to get that house sold and relieve that financial strain and be able to "date" each other again. Do something without the kids, reconnect, etc. ( He has said he is dead inside and that in his head and heart it is too late). But I don't want to push/pursue and have him walk out the door on Jan 1st. Should I ask him to meet me for dinner one night? Drinks? Where to go from here?
Sorry this is so long, but I was trying to give as much info as possible. Any advice would be appreciated.
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I am on my third, possibly fourth, read through of Divorce Remedy. I feel like I am doing okay, as we can have conversations and be genuinely nice to each other. (Well, I guess its genuine for me, but I am not so sure about him). My #1 goal right now--besides working on me- is to get him to quit talking about, and more importantly, not leaving after the holidays. I feel we can work this out but he seems so dead set on it not.
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
No, I have not done any begging or pleading or "please don't leave me's". I meant by MY actions and working on me. I have been very angry over our financial situation, and whatever else made me mad on any given day, but that is what I am working on--being pleasant, happy and genuinely nice, doing nice things for him. He says it will not rekindle anything.
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
I am trying, but dang if it doesn't feel like he really means it--when he says it. But then he does the "weird" stuff, like asking me if I like his pants, that were already on him; calling me sexy; washing and vacuuming my car, asking me if I needed help with Thanksgiving dinner---he never even did that on a good year! Is there a way to tell if he is just doing this to be nice and keep the peace, as he really wants us to be "friends" in the future, or are my changes really making an impact?
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
I guess I knew that tl2 and PigPen, but I will keep onward and upward with my changes. Sadly, we just moved here 3 months ago and I have no friends or family here, but I have applied for a job and joined a church.
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
