I've been lurking, gathering info, and reading DR for about 3 months now. I've learned a lot and made mistakes, but it's time to share my story (thank you pho for the gentle nudge).
About a year ago I realized that my marriage was having problems. I suppose I knew before then, but I was also in a horrible job situation (my boss had been actively trying to fire me for over a year) and I suppose I didn't focus on the right crisis. In any case, I looked up websites, tried techniques. Failed to make any progress. In January my wife and I had a serious discussion and both agreed that something needed to change. Because, as you might have guessed, she loved me but was not in love with me.
I continued to pursue (I hadn't found this forum yet), and ended up pushing her away further. Fast forward 6 months, when I found evidence that my wife was having an EA and sexting with a good friend of ours. Spending time at his apartment after work. And on the weekends. And, of course lying about it. I spent about a month in agony gathering info to 1) make absolutely sure I knew was going on and 2) wait for my in-laws, who were spending the summer with us, to leave, and 3) formulate a plan.
I confronted my wife who went through all the expected denials until I told her that I KNEW what was going on and I just wanted to know the truth. That I was going to ask her questions. That I knew the answers to many of them. That if she lied we could never move past this. And so we had our talk and she agreed to limit contact with him (they work together) and to work on our marriage with a MC. I dragged my feet a little because I wasn't totally excited about involving a MC right away because I thought she was trying to use them not to work on our marriage, but rather to manipulate them into agreeing that we should get a divorce. And I still needed time to process the affair.
Apparently that was a bad idea because after confrontation #2 (she texted him that she couldn't wait to make love to him and arranged for them to spend the day together) she said she went back to him because I hadn't set up a marriage counselor fast enough. I didn't (and still don't) buy that excuse and realized that I should have been more forceful about no contact. She swears there are no romantic conversations with the OM, but she also erases all messages every day.
We've been in counseling for 6 weeks and things are going well. Still not where I'd like it to be, but better. Problem is that 1) I still don't trust her to not see the OM and 2) she doesn't trust the changes I've made to address our relationship deficiencies. Consistency and patience is the key for both of us, but it's terribly hard to maintain an even keel.
There is more (like all of you there is always SO MUCH more...) but this post is long enough as it is. Thank you all for listening and thank you for the support you've already unknowingly given me. It means a lot to me and I think I'm finally ready to actively seek advice.
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
It's nice to take a step out of the shadows and been seen. Apparently literally, because the sun just popped out of the clouds and is blasting me with warmth....
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
You know I've been lurking too long when I get all a twitter because you posted to my thread....
More details - My wife and I are not separated and we rent a home that we share with our two adorable (if a bit overactive) boys. Most of our day-to-day time is spent parenting, with little attention given to each other or ourselves.
GAL so far has included taking time to myself for introspection, learning guitar, moderate exercise, and being a better dad; I'm also working on my confidence and swagger. I think my biggest GAL need is to find a way to meet more people and socialize outside of work. Most of my "me" time has been networking, with the goal of finding a more permanent job (I'm on a 1-yr contract)
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
SciDad, Welcome. I hope you will learn as much as I have here. I guess start by letting everyone know what you are trying to accomplish. The i hope Azzork will show up and give his kind 2x4's to you about focusing on yourself and making sure you are not focusing too much on your W
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
SciDad, you are in the right place. Thank you for sharing your story, and I am confident that you will get great advice and support here.
The first thing I want to tell you is that you have no way of knowing if she is talking to OM, texting, etc. I learned the hard way that by "putting my foot down" it just made H go "undercover" and hide it better. Also made him feel controlled and angry with me. There is a physiological component to an affair- think like a rush a drug addict gets- I am sure someone else can explain it better, but apparently it is very very hard to end. (I know, I find this excuse to be pathetic too and don't totally buy it, but thats what I hear again and again and it seems to be true.)
Be patient and try not to spy, try not to question her, try not to "go there". I know, that is nearly impossible.
As long as she is involved with OM she cannot really be working on your marriage. I am still angry with our MC for "taking us on " as clients without insisting that H end the affair. I think if my H had heard it from someone who was not me he would have ended it. Maybe ask your MC about it, if you can get a solo appointment or leave him/her a message, and get some feedback. It will not help for W to hear it from you.
The months spent in counseling while H was still secretly texting and chatting at work, were the worst months of my life. I am glad now in retrospect that I stayed because H is still here and things are slowly improving, and that was my goal- to save the marriage. But it was so incredibly hard and I don't know that I'd put myself through it again. If you want to save your Marriage, be prepared for a very rough ride.
Be patient. I know it seems like you have been through hell already, but you are just getting started. Expect to be at this for a long time. Make self-care a top priority- this DB business is exhausting and overwhelming and can beat you up. Eat well, get some sleep, talk to your own individual counselor if you can, post here frequently, take vitamins, exercise. All of these little things add up.
Set goals. Small goals at first. What are you doing for yourself today? Posting here was a great first step! What are you doing for yourself that is completely just for you? Going for a run? Playing the guitar? Meeting a friend for coffee? Whatever gets you out of your head for a little while, that brings you enjoyment or relief, even just for a few minutes. You are important.
Some questions for you: Do you have children? What does your W say about the R? What are her reasons for being unhappy? You say things are improving, what exactly is improving? Specific behaviors.
How are you holding up? What are you struggling with the most right now?
I am glad to "meet" you and sorry that it is under these circumstances. You are in a good place. Keep posting.
Obviously by being on here and reading DR I want to work on my marriage. I realize that the EA did not come out of thin air, that I contributed to it by not communicating with my wife in the way she needed. Even after I realized things were bad, I still wasn't going about it the right way. When I stumbled upon DR I came to the realization that this approach would benefit me whether or not my marriage survived. I needed to shake things up and get my wife's attention, but I also needed to shake myself into positive actions instead of negative inaction.
So my goals now are to be the best man, best parent, best person I can be. If that sparks my wife's interest, great. If not, I'll be OK. Because I'll have improved myself to the point where I no longer need validation from someone else.
In short, I control my destiny with my outlook on life. If I want to wallow in self-pity, I will be depressed. If, however, I consciously decide to improve myself every day I will thrive.
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
