Going to a Notre Dame game! This should be awesome.
Had a great time with s6 (soon to be s7) and his buddies playing Lazer tag.
Had a great visit with the priest/counselor yesterday.
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"Get busy livin, or get busy dying" fitting, isn't it? It's time for me to pull back, and live just for me. I'm not 100% what that is going to look like. Need to revisit some goals. Still want W back, but as the priest was saying, I shouldn't tie my life down to waiting on one outcome. Says my prayers should be more like, "Lord, help me stay open to whatever you have in store for me." There is a lot of wisdom there. So, I am trying to refrain my mind there, and I think it will help me.
Abridged goals list:
Get my old truck and get it running. (Busy work, and gratifying) I started on this truck with my dad when I was 15, and then life got in the way and it just sat.
Reframe my mind to being more open to whatever the future brings.
Keep enjoying the hell out if my boys.
While at work, try and focus on work.
Not be so accessible to W. Put my needs ahead of hers.
Live life to make my boys happy when I'm with them. When I'm not with my boys, live life for me.
Now, to do it.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Ill throw out my ideas on the whole friend topic that you started in your last thread but not sure its going to help any. Its just how I see it now. I've heard it said both ways also and I think I fall in the middle category (balance). There are some on the forums that say not to be their friend and then we have the coaches that say friendship is the path back to a relationship.
I think both are right, its just about perspective/balance and understanding what they lead to. Obviously when the S is leaving us and we are too available we create a situation where they are cake eating and holding onto the best of both worlds. It stops them from seeing the consequences of their choices. In some sitches a WW can turn the H into a gay boyfriend where they talk about their AP, even wanting them to meet and have dinner together. This is absolutely not OK in any way and boundaries should be put down immediately to stop that behavior. Being there for them and doing everything they might need, putting their needs above your own all the time. Basically allowing them to have you as a H but with no commitment and calling it a friend. This is the friend we don't want to be because it just enables them to continue doing what they are doing with no consequences. The coaches actually say the same about consequences, that we should let them experience the consequences of their actions. The point being 'their own actions', we don't need to create them or push them to see it. They will see it on their own in time, as long as we don't continually do things that protect them from it.
The friendship I think is mentioned that should be done is just more of being friendly and caring about them. Its not about being a dick and punishing them or being cold toward them. Friendly neighbor for the most part but stepped up a bit. At some point it might turn into something more and you begin to come closer, share more feelings and talk more. Maybe even have an occasional interaction outside together. Nothing wrong with this, but all in balance. If she wants to hang out or do something together there's nothing wrong with it, as long as its not every single time she asks. So don't overthink being her friend right now, when the time comes that she wants to move closer there will be opportunities to accept them.
So for me, I treat my W as more than a neighbor but less than a friend. I still care about her and sometimes go out of my way to accommodate something that would make her life easier, but not always. The biggest for me would be driving the kids around. Shes asked me twice in the last ~two weeks to drop them off instead of her picking them up because she was extremely tired after work/got off work late(11pm). I could have said no because it caused me to do extra but it was better for the kids the way it worked out and it helped her out also. If I cant show any compassion towards her now then what reason would she think I have changed. Again, balance. I would put my own needs above hers in the M before, so this is a 180 from that behavior. No, we cant always do the 180s from our previous M, but we shouldn't not do them either. Balance man, balance. Its like those of us that did no chores or shut down. DB would say don't do all the housework for them or to go dark, both would be a mistake to the LBS that did those things in the M. They cant do it completely in the new dynamics but they can do some.
Those are my rambled thoughts on this anyway. The main point is there is no 100% surefire DB method. For one person doing something would be great DB, to another it would be really bad. Some things are much more common to work but we all still have to find our own path and make it our own with the resources we have.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Fogg said it so well...balance. I wish I'd come up with the word when I was struggling with how to advise.
I have to say, borrowing from Fogg again, when I pictured you in the role of "Gay Boyfriend", I might have snorted some water out my nose! That's too funny. You could use that with her next time she expresses a desire to "just be friends." You could arch an eyebrow, give her a lopsided smile, and say, "What? Like a gay roommate?"
I hope you're laughing right now. I know I am! My youngest brother, who really is gay, would be rolling his eyes at me right now. He finds my sense of humor "taxing".
Thanks guys, I will work on that. I was wondering if I should ask her for coffee or whatever sometime, to show that I won't be the gay boyfriend type. Just an idea. I have to do the enrollment for insurance in the next 2 weeks too. Have Christmas to discuss. Etc.
Again, nothing has been discussed about D. Just a little of how we will split watching the boys. Thanks for all the help, and keep it coming!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Sandi. Thanks for checking in. I have a question for you, or anyone else that has navigated this path. How do I show her that I don't want to be just friends? I want a W, not a friend. I am not happy with the current dynamic. A month ago, we were barely talking and it was tense and I was unable to conceal my emotions. Now, I am able to portray some confidence, and W and I talk like we did when I thought we were working on us this spring and summer.
BUT, I am not satisfied if it stays Here for long. She has the best of both worlds. I am her H when it helps her, but without emotional or physical intimacy returned to me. I am not detached from W nearly enough. I have been trying and have even found a different prayer to use. Asking for God to point me in the right direction, not necessarily what I want. I do know now that I will be ok, no matter what. I didn't feel that way even a couple weeks ago.
So, things have changed with us. Is it for the better? Is it healthy? Is she using me, manipulating me? Not really sure. I am sure that I am not ok with this being the new normal. If this is a step towards r, then hell yeah! If this is where she wants to park us, hell no.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
Hi Dday, I would 'show' her you won't be friends by inviting someone else out for coffee! Not another woman of course, but building your own life up so that next time she wants to go out for coffee, you're not free.
In recent months, I have shown my H that we won't be friends purely by the nature of contact with him. Minimal contact, pleasant, business stuff, hardly any info about my life and so on. The underlying message is that this will stop once the business side stops and then there will be nothing. And that is how I truly plan for things to be once we D - nothing - so I'm not 'showing' him as such - more that I'm preparing myself for how my life is going to be once we D.
I think you need to be compassionately withdrawing, rather than initiating...
Take care x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
