Wow, mind is blown 10

[pinn]

I had a friend who would tell me stuff about my wife after I blocked her on FB. I just said thanks for the info but I am in a good spot right now so in the future please do not tell me about it.

[gonegrl]

Uphill, I am very sorry that this went the way it did. I know you had hoped for a different resolution. Please stay with us and continue to DB for yourself. Whether there is any hope of R at this point, it doesn't really matter, you need the support and guidance to get through this for yourself and for your son.

At least knowing where you stand should help you with detaching and moving forward with your own life. I respect that you are handling this situation with honesty and setting clear boundaries.

[Uphill]

Yeah, I just gotta start telling people to let it alone. There are a lot of people watching my back and I never know where it is gonna come from so I guess I just start telling people as they "try" to help.

As far as sticking around, I plan on being here. For me. Also to support others when I can.

I think the part that makes it suck a little worse was seeing the real XF shine through Monday-Thursday morning. We saw each other a lot with S4 swaps and it truely felt like she had opened up and realized he path was not right for her. From Thursday morning on I didn't see her for 2 days. I have to think there was some sort of outside influance during that time. Whether a friend, OM... Somebody got to her and her walls went back up immediately. It is what it is. No sense over analyzing anything else. I can hold my head high knowing I have everything I could to try to make this work.

[Uphill]

This is completely random, I was outside loading up pumpkins S4 and I had decorated the house with. We had a literal truckload! But now they are starting to rot so time to get rid of them. I look up and here comes XF and S4 down the road. Drove by, she waved. I didn't at first but then did at the end... Just weird, no reason to be down this way and its 25 minutes from her place.

[indigo1]

I know the way you feel right now as I'm sure almost everyone on this site does. Its also likely that the OM did get to her over the last couple days and aid in her putting the walls back up. Like you said though, it doesn't matter at this point. It's also funny how things can change when the W realizes that you really have dropped the rope and are moving forward. Has she ever really felt the loss of you up to this point? And I mean REALLY feel it? I think it's time to go as dark as possible. If she really was coming around a bit over the past week those thoughts in her head didn't just disappear because of the talk or outside influences. Be the best dad possible and really start making a new life for yourself. Let her deal with her own choices for awhile. I'm willing to bet its not all sunshine and roses.

[Uphill]

Up until this past Monday, I was as dark as I can make possible with custody and daycare arrangements. I am still forces to see her a few times a week and not a day goes by that I don't call S4 and wish him goodnight when he is with her. I guess what I'm saying is I still had contact but strictly kid stuff. Then this past week we booth opened up for a few days. Really opened up.

I guess where I'm at now, I don't want to save this. It's fresh so who knows but I feel like less and less of a man every time I move the line I drew. I'm truely looking to move on with my life. I'm not saying that I'm running around looking for somebody, but I will not stop anything from happening as I have in the past. There is no doubt that in these last 5 months since XF moved out, that I could have pursued many women who had come onto me. I stopped every one in thier tracks, because I knew where my heart was. Now my heart is free. XF has done so much damage, it would be tough to let her back into my walls. There again, this is all fresh and who knows what tomorrow brings. But that is how I feel now.

[asitis]

Uphill,

I'm so sorry for the hell you are going through. I feel the pain and anger seething through your posts. It will look different in time, and you will likely be surprised about that. I won't tell you that you and XF are not over - even if I know that I still see hope where you don't - but you know that at some point you will still do what you can for your S, and that you still love XF deeply. That is why it hurts so much. Let her go. She needs to find her path.

Has she lied to you about everything as you said a few posts back? I think perspective that comes with time will see that she is a very scared woman who really does want someone like you. OM will not give her that (he is a rebound). She may go on to find OM2 or OM3 or so on, but I'm still betting from following your thread that she has not lied about everything, and she is not as happy as she claims. Still, from your perspective, it really doesn't matter at this point. She's not coming back in the near future. You both have more growth ahead (you'll do it, & we'll see about her).

So, mourn and grieve and vent, but at the days end, I'm going to tell you that like the classic statement about "think of England" given to disgruntled Victorian housewives, you will think of S4 and also of your decades of having an R w/ XF. Don't burn any bridges. Detach, listen and validate. Back to DB basics. 101 type stuff. GAL, not engage her in trying to correct the record. Show her an Uphill who responds differently than she expects. Get her off balance by embracing the reality. I'm not saying telling her you are happy for her (it has to be honest or it won't work). But your focus - for your S & for you - is to diffuse and to calm the sitch. Show her the compassionate, caring, responsible Uphill who loves unconditionally and will make the choices she actually has made work as best you can for the three of you. She's expecting angry, passive aggressive, or even vindictive I'd bet. She may even be expecting you to not handle this by returning to the addictions she fears. You fail to meet those expectations, and you have earned DB hero status. It won't end up in you married and happily-ever-after, but it will change the R. And then with patience, who knows where either of you will be in a year or two or five. Together. Or not. Happily in a loving, supportive, healthy R. Or not. You will still have a different perspective on it, and you will be happy that you calmed and didn't react to the current sitch in retrospect. Your S will be better off.

So, vent here. Grieve. Draw boundaries w/ XF that you need for yourself. But give yourself a lot of time to sort through this all.

Again, I am so sorry. I've been exploring dating, and I know that I'll still be heartbroken when I find out my W has been dating or fallen for someone else. I know that no matter how much I prepare myself intellectually for that, it will still hurt like the devil himself was pi$$ing on my heart. Let it settle. You will heal & be well.

[Uphill]

Thanks for stopping by As, I read this when I woke up this morning. It was really what I needed buddy. Then I went to get S4 to take him to my parents. I was pretty quiet with XF and she was the same. Got him strapped in the car and she looks at me and says pretty cockily, you will be happy to know OM and I are no longer together. Haha I just let it be but wanted so bad to say, looks like you picked the right guy haha.
This doesn't change how I feel about anything because in the big picture he was still picked over me.

[rd500]

Hi Uphill. Can I just advise to let news like this morning sink in. I feel exactly the way you do re OM and my EXW is still denying him o the whole world

Life can change in a heart beat and standing still is often the best choice when emotions are not settled

Just to say you sound like a great dad to S4 so take lots of pride in that

Take care. Rd

[Uphill]

Rd, thanks for stopping in buddy. You get the right feeling about S4. He is my pride and joy. I live for that kid! And surprisingly, he has taken XF's spot as my rock. If he can tell I'm down he will come up to me and give me a big hug and say "dad my best friend". Makes me crumble every time and forget whatever I had in my head!