I hope this is appropriate topic and that its ok to open 2nd topic. I understand this is not a board for legal advice and that there are many considerations that come into play...financials, residency, etc. but was hoping to gain some insight through others experiences. (I feel like others on this board have similar goals and are coming from a similar place as I, so I value the input)
I was told by L that once you go through courts there is no hopes at salvaging a relationship. That they are designed to be combative and will bring out the worst in each party. Our situation is fairly simple as there are no fancy assets that need to be divided. That being said, in my situation court was recommended by L for my best interests. From what I understand the mediation process is more conducive to healthy co parenting and allows for amicable relations and saves on legal fees.
What were your experiences? Are you happy you went one way vs the other? Any thing you wish you did differently? Any way to keep things civil in either decision? Do you agree that reconciliation becomes impossible once you go through this? Did you feel like your spouse became even more of an enemy during the process?
I am simply terrified of the process itself and would like to know if you guys feel that going through the legalities was worse then that first stage of BD?
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Hi, Julie. Just went to see my L and age said that she has seen couples reconcile when they were about the sign the divorce paper. So I guess anything is possible.
Rouky To be honest, I don't have any hope for reconciliation at this point. In a way, I think my husband is right and can see why he feels we have nothing to save. (Our last year together we were living without privacy in my families house) Also he has distanced and detached himself for so long I don't thing that those loving feelings ever really return in our interactions. We just keep growing more and more apart. I read some others posts where this seems to occur, but not in my case. We are basically NC except for kids. For some reason, I am very scared of the actual legal process though.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Julie-you follow my sitch so you know we are doing collaborative. It has been way gentler than what I assume litigation would be which is why I am pissed he is threatening me and bullying me to go that route. I wouldn't pick one over the other because of the chance of R. Choose based on what is best for Julie and her children. Good luck sweetie
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Hey ep, chance of reconciliation is nil, so not part of my thought process. Why did you think mediation would be gentler then litigation?
Btw, thanks for posting in such great detail on your sitch. It's been really helpful.
I am all over the place on this one, one thought is that husband and I have not been able to compromise in the past, so why should we be able to do so now? I worry that mediation will just be more anger and perhaps threats and bullying as opposed to having a neutral party resolve it based on the laws. But with the courts it could lead to a lot of crazy BS, like false allegations etc. when I asked him for child support in past, he threatened me with asking for more visitation, (he knows my biggest fear is losing time with kids) some im not sure what he is thinking right now. I am scared of the new fathers rights movement as well (not opposed to it, but in my case it would be unfair)
Would love to hear more. Was litigation as awful as its reputation?
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Here's my two cents -- we didn't do mediation or court. I downloaded a template separation agreement from a legal web site. There are two components to it -- your parenting plan and your division of assets and ongoing financial support agreement.
We sat down at the kitchen table and hashed it out, and then took it to a lawyer to re-write it so it would be in a format the court would accept, had our divorce hearing in front of a judge where he confirmed that we both understood and agreed and that was it, we were done for $1,500 in legal fees cumulatively.
I think the best prescription is to consult with a lawyer to figure out what you're entitled to -- that's the high water mark, if you would accept something less as a show of good faith that will help to make things easier and keep the peace, but you have to be realistic if you can survive on that and be comfortable that it was fair.
After you know what you're entitled to, see if you can work it out at the kitchen table between the two of you. If you cannot and you come to a stalemate, then mediation would be the way to go as the focus is on getting you to compromise and agree.
In a separate lawyers / court hearing scenario you are engaging a lawyer to represent your interests to the best of their ability, which by definition is going to be contentious -- they will try to wring every last drop out of the other party, and the other party will try to do the same -- that's what you're hiring those lawyers to do for you.
Sometimes, unfortunately, one party is very unreasonable and very selfish and this is the only way to go. Speaking with my friends who have been through it, and divorce lawyers that I know, they all say that people basically end up with the same settlement no matter which way they go, the only thing that varies is how much money they spend and how much pain they go through to get there.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Julie - the courts do not know your children nor will ever meet them. In mediation you and H will get to make the decisions based on parenting for what is in your kids best interest. That is one of the main reasons I like this process.
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
Sometimes, unfortunately, one party is very unreasonable and very selfish and this is the only way to go. Speaking with my friends who have been through it, and divorce lawyers that I know, they all say that people basically end up with the same settlement no matter which way they go, the only thing that varies is how much money they spend and how much pain they go through to get there.
This is really interesting point! thanks! I
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Julie, I know you are scared about the visit access for the kids, but to be honest i don't think he'll ask for more. Your H isn't even paying his share for child support, so why would he suddenly want more time with the kids?
I think he threatens you because he knows that it's your deepest fear. Let go of that fear. I might sound harsh and selfish but when my kids are with their dad, it gives me more me time. Being a mother to twins isn't easy, and you need time to find yourself back. Take this opportunity that your H has the kids to do what you want/ like.
Your kids won't love you less because they are with their dad. You are STILL the most important person in their life!
