LBH w/ a WW trying to save my M (4)

[dwh15]

You need to quit worrying about what your WW thinks. If you want to wear your ring, wear it. If not, take it off. It doesn't matter either way. It's not going to make one bit of difference in saving your M. If your WW brings it up, just say you didn't feel like wearing it anymore and walk away. You don't owe her an explanation.

[sandi2]

I've been praying this week God would show me signs of progress.

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Heb. 11:1

any ideas on how I should handle the question about not wearing a ring?

Mostly, say nothing. You can shake your head and say, "Unbelievable!" and walk away. Do not react to her reaction. Do not answer her questions. If she starts saying things about 21 yr old girls, just let her stew in it. She started this mess, now she needs to learn she doesn't get to dictate your life. Let her think whatever she wants to think. This seems to be difficult for LBH'S, but the more you try to convince her she's wrong......the worse she'll get. Just walk away from her tantrums.

Btw, those calls she made that you considered "reaching out", seem more like her holding on to her control. The WW does not want to let her H go free to do his own thing. She'll use the kid as her hook to stay latched on to his life. She has a sense of entitlement, and she has a very double standard. It's just fine for her to be flying off and seeing BF, and knowing you are back home being a dutiful father, staying busy taking D to BD parties, etc.

There use to be a poster here whose W left, and she made sure she found activities for the kids to do during his scheduled time with them. She'd enroll them in some kind of sport, or accept invitations for them. He finally wised up and told her to knock it off, and that he would do whatever he chose to do with his kids. I'm telling you, she'll think she's entitled to tell you what to do with your little girl during your time with her.

[gs9]

dwh- Thank you for the reminders. I do worry about what she'll think. I know she'll use it an excuse to continue with the D but excuses are like armpits....everyone has them and they all stink.
Sandi- thank you for Heb 11:1 nothing penetrates the heart like the word of God.
She is trying to maintain control. And I feel I have been continuing to wear my ring as a sign I'm still committed to this M. I'm still committed to the M but not to the M of who she is today.

[gs9]

I'm very thankful for this space and the people here. It is a perfect place to receive advice, support and to talk through sitch's and to make declarations which help me follow through. Thank you everyone.
Since posting earlier I've put my ring back on. I took it off bc I am angry with her. I will not show her an uncontrolled anger but only a righteous anger. I realized, for me, leaving it off would be to get a reaction from her. I'm leaving it on bc, again for me, it is a sign to me that i am committed to this M. I'm committed to her. I will not ever again tolerate the abuse, unfaithfulness or playing second fiddle to OM but I will give her every opportunity to change her ways and prove she is recommitted to the M. I expect and am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.

[MrBond]

"I will not show her an uncontrolled anger but only a righteous anger."

You shouldn't be showing her "anger" at all.

"but I will give her every opportunity to change her ways and prove she is recommitted to the M. I expect and am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst."

Do you realize that if you take that position of waiting for her to change and recommit, that you will just be waiting all the way till the D is finalized?

[gs9]

I guess the term righteous anger comes off harsher than intended. It's more maintaining my firm boundaries of not tolerating or enabling her disrespectful actions. She will not see any anger from me. She will only see me standing up for myself.

I'm not waiting for her. I am getting my own life and doing my own things but my commitment to M has not changed. What I mean by this is that I am still married and I will not step out on that. I will not treat her as a W but I will not throw away my integrity either. I will not create additional obstacles by acting like I'm not M.

[PigPen]

"but I will give her every opportunity to change her ways and prove she is recommitted to the M. I expect and am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst."

Do you realize that if you take that position of waiting for her to change and recommit, that you will just be waiting all the way till the D is finalized?

What's a better approach Mr Bond? He's facing D in just a few weeks.

[MrBond]

What he posted wasn't an approach. It was an attitude. If he starts developing the self-righteous attitude where she is a dirty sinner and should repent her sins, or whatever, he is going to lose it all with this concentration on the negative. Plus it is filled with control. When you start feeling the need for self-righteousness and control, you'll end up feeling nothing but resentment for your spouse which will definitely help your situation.

[PigPen]

Thank you for your reply.

PP

[gs9]

Mr Bond,
Thank you for pointing out the attitude of resentment. I've spent some time reflecting after reading this. I have felt a lot of resentment for her this weekend. Luckily she wasn't around. So, I have to ask myself....how do I feel? What is my attitude? What am I portraying to her in our interactions?

I desire to show an attitude of confidence and boundaries. That I will no longer be bullied, disrespected and run over by her. That I am moving on with or with out her and that I am good either way.

This morning I told her I was 95% sure I wanted to keep the house. She then said she wanted to keep the house. Initially we had agreed to sell the house but the paperwork has not been filed yet.
She asked how I could afford a new truck and house payment and that I must be making more money than she is aware of.
I said " You know how much......" She interrupted me and said "I don't know how much you make..." and continued going on about commission and bonuses and demanding to see statements and paystubs.
She then said " are you going to answer my question?"
I said " I began to answer your question but you must think what you have to say....." She interrupted me again and said "I don't think what I have to say is more important."

I said " I began to answer, you interrupted me, maybe we can talk about it later."

She continued to demand I answer her questions a couple more times. I got D4 ready for school and ignored her demands. She left for work.

Her interrupting has been a long standing issue with us. I have told her numerous times that when she interrupts me in mid sentence I feel she doesn't care enough about what I'm saying to let me finish. I find it disrespectful and rude. She says this is how conversations work and she is not interrupting she is interjecting. I am not concerned with being right or which of us is right. I know what is right for me and how being interrupted makes me feel. I feel this is a good boundary and one that is important to me.

If I am wrong or I handled this interaction wrong someone please let me know