#1 Do I just have to be patient and ignore him when he is still committing all his old faults while I am trying hard to work on mine
#2 Sometimes wonder if it has been worth it. Twinges of doubt when I remember how we got together (I was on the rebound). Can't remember ever feeling like he was the love of my life.
Is this just me being negative. I think we were happy. I was very very happy on the day we married. And blissfully happy for the next year or two. Also super happy right before we decided to try for kids so there is something to aim for right?
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
I haven't had a chance to read over your former thread, so I'm winging it here.
#1 Do I just have to be patient and ignore him when he is still committing all his old faults while I am trying hard to work on mine.
#2 Sometimes wonder if it has been worth it. Twinges of doubt when I remember how we got together (I was on the rebound). Can't remember ever feeling like he was the love of my life.
Sounds to me like you love him. Can't trust those initial feelings anyway. They are mostly about brain chemistry, the real thing comes when the honeymoon hormones subside.
I know what you mean about wondering if it has been worth it. My H comes with his own load of crap that I don't like either and I often ask myself if I'm willing to live with it for any significant amount of time. But then I remind myself of the fact that most people have their own load as well and I do really want to give him (us) a chance to make our necessary changes. This takes a lot of time and yes, patience.
You've come this far, perhaps you'll want to hang in there for a while longer. Things can change dramatically from day to day.
You know what would be helpful to us? If you wrote up a little summary (like some of us have) to post in your thread. That way we'll have the basics of your sitch without having to go back to earlier threads.
Speaking for myself, of course, I'm too lazy!
I'm not sure about your first question....what same old things is he doing? Do you get the sense he WANTS to make a NEW M, but just can't break out of some of the old ways?
As for the doubts....that's natural! Heck just TRY to find a thread here on piecing where there weren't/aren't any doubts and I'll give you...the MOON!
Ok guys sorry about jumping straight in with no background Here's the summary:
M has been on autopilot for a long time. Neither of us satisfied. H has blown up and stormed out of house not to return til morning a couple of times.
H moved out April 03. Comes by 3 times a week to see kids. OW involved. Apart from asking him who she was when her number appeared about 50 times on his cellphone bill with calls late at night I have not mentioned her since. I know that the kids met her (their ages are almost 4 and 20 months) and this outraged me but I said nothing. I have been nothing but happy, cheerful, complimentary etc since reading DR and if I backslide I pick up phone and make out some way to apologise. Sometimes it seems to be working and he is friendly and even complimentary to me.
June 03 after DB'ing like crazy I manage to get him to dump OW and come on holiday with us. He seems very much recommitted to our M and has been saying lots of ILYs. Keeps saying he will regret doing this to me for the rest of his life. I say Water under the Bridge lets look forward not back.
OK here are my issues with H (then I'll give you his with me) He is passive aggressive He appears depressed He drinks too much (a bottle and half of wine a night or equivalent) Also I find him boring
He finds me Controlling Critical Too absorbed with kids not enough attention to him
Well since DBing I have been working hard on my stuff. I no longer tell him how to drive, cook, pick his nose etc. I never criticise. I trust him to get things right. Even if he starts to blame himself I just say Oh well I'm sure it'll be Ok.
I ignore the kids for that important stepping over the threshold moment for him. And other times too.
He hasn't read DB and I don't know whether to broach it yet. He seems to have cheered up and not be so depressed in fact a friend mentioned how happy he looks so maybe my diagnosis was off a little there and he was just in an unhappy M. The passive agressive and the alcohol are still the same though.
While on holiday I couldn't help myself from comparing him to other women's H's and thinking how come I ended up with him?
Sorry I am rambling a bit. I think what it boils down to is that I feel I have had issues with our M for a long time just as he has. He was the one to let out the big yelp and run away, but it just as easily could have been me. I DB'd and now he is back and happy but I still feel like I have done all along that I am holding back and not telling it like it is to him.
He reacts very badly to any form of minor criticism, always has done even in the honeymoon period I could not tease him or say anything even slightly off about him without him getting hugely upset. I often say things which I don't regard as critical or upsetting in anyway and he will take it that way. As a result I have repressed it all and tried not to say anything hurtful, but of course it all comes out anyway.
When do we get to the part where we can start opening up and we can BOTH be working on ourselves? In DR it says - ask for what you want - but I am scared to.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
H and I attended Retrouvaille in January. Check out retrouvaille.org and see if there is one in your area. They are worldwide. In a nut shell, it teaches you how to communicate effectively through dialoguing/writing. There is much more to it, but it sounds like it may be beneficial to you both. nik
Hi Nik, Thanks for coming to see me over here. I have looked at Retrouvaille.org. It sounds interesting but there isn't one in England just Ireland. We could make the trip though, it's not that far. I will catch on your sitch soon.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Hi guys, Had a good day today. An old friend came over, she was midwife to both my kids (they were born at home) D(21mos) in this very house. And we had a great talk. I told her all about the DBing I have been doing and she was amazed. But she is a really cool person and got it straight away. She's the type that could make up DB on her own LOL! Anyway when she had to say goodbye she gave me a hug and said <<you're such a lovely person>> which really made my day.
When I got S(4) back from nursery school (kindergarten) we made bread. I am doing Atkins diet at the moment so making bread is an act of love to H.
He is out with his buddies tonight so can have a late night snack of warm bread to come home to mmmmmm!
Ordered 5LL from Amazon.
So those are my 3 positives for today.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
