First and foremost, I want to apologize for putting blame back on you. I apologize for sending that email to you. It has been hard for me, I am going through one of the biggest emotional roller coasters I have ever ridden. I have allowed my emotions to get the best from me.One day I accept my flaws and the other I am blaming you for part of the downfall. I am beginning to understand who would really want to deal with someone like that? I don’t take the fact that yes I did abuse you silently for not being there for you. That is a fact and it is something I will keep working on myself in order for it not to affect my daughters. My main focus are them. I have come to accept that it is useless for me to try and change your mind, because quite frankly I can’t. I accept your request for divorce and I will not stop you from getting it. I don’t mean anything harassing in this email and if I did I apologize. Moving forward I want to tell you thank you. Thank you for slapping me in my face and actually looking in the mirror. Where is my self-respect? I have to love myself first. Quite frankly I always tried to put someone else' happiness before mine. I am not a victim of physical abuse, I let it continue. I am not a victim of verbal abuse, I let it continue. I am not a victim of emotional affair, I let it continue. I don't believe in divorce but I won't stand in your way. You have every right to get it. Keeping you chained to this relationship is a big mistake and quite frankly you deserve to be happy. I want to see you happy.
this was the email i was going to send her , but ill just throw it to the trash.
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The email sounds like a pitiful false awakening guilt trip that your W would know it is very manipulative and wouldn't of have worked anyhow, so I'm glad you didn't send it!
So i was going through my closet and i found a notepad that belonged to my wife. I just started reading it and came across 4 pages of her witting about our recent problems. She was writing a log of what i was messing up in. The logs were basically paragraphs on how I was a bad father. How i never spend time with my girls when i would come from work. She wrote about several scenarios where I just didnt pay attention to my daughters.(shameful). She described how one time we went to a park and she brought clothes for me in order to change and play in the water with the girls , i didnt and just stood there. How when i come from work i go straight to the couch. How i dont have initiative to even plan anything for the girls , but i have initiative to plan with my friends. how i only go in their room to play once or twice a month.etc etc. It was painful to read this but basically it's true. It's shame what i have become. I cant believe i was so blind and never did anything about it. Only until they left i got help. I feel terrible i subconsciously was doing the same thing they did to me as a child , making them feel neglected. God I was a bad dad, and i dont blame her for leaving me. I didnt deserve them. Now that i got help from my counselor I can see the damage i did and how my past affected me and my daughters and my wife. Why was i so blind !!! ? Now my family is cut in 2. I ruined my marriage to a point of no return. Now i promise to never hurt my daughters ever again.
Angelr...I'm sorry you are here. I don't know you sitch at all. I come and go from this site as my sitch has moved considerably. But I read your last post and felt the need to make comment.
You may well have been and done all of those things on that pad. You wife may captured every instance of your poor fathering in one list. It may be completely accurate. UNTIL TODAY! Each and every one of us is only what we were UNTIL TODAY. TODAY, you can be the father that plays in his daughters room and gets on the floor, TODAY you can be the father who changes his clothes and gets all messy and wet. TODAY you are not the child who was neglected by his parents.
Your wife's listing of her observations of you as a father or husband does not define who you are in this moment. PP (Pigpen) wrote an awesome quote on Dday's thread recently which summed it up perfectly, which talks about the change we make and how someone who knew us 5 months ago would not know who we are NOW, TODAY, and requests the opportunity to reintroduce one's self to that person.
Reintroduce yourself to your beautiful children. They make no judgement on what you have done as a father till now. They are young and open to you being the exact father you want to be. Run with this opportunity. Become the father you want to be and maybe wife will see the man and husband you also are. The list on the pad is a blessing, and gift in disguise. Use it as such.
wow Jelly , I am at work and i actually got teary. You just made my day. I am no longer that man. I cant wait to see my daughters and reintroduce myself.
Angel, its ok at least now you know exactly what you need to change about yourself, it is like a blue plan to become a better Angel for your Ds and for yourself and hopefully for your W to see the changes and decide to come back and reunite in the near future.
Good luck, keep praying, GOD bless you and your family!
Don't be so hard on yourself Angel. If you have not already done so, begin the process of self forgiveness. Everyone and I mean everyone makes mistakes, and from time to time lose sight of the things that matter. But its OK. It's human. You are not that person anymore. You are the best version of yourself from here on out. Believe in yourself, have hope, and love who you are, and who you can be.
M: 29 W: 28 D: 8 S:1 M: 10 T: 11 BD1: 8//15 (physically separate) Back together: 4/16 BD2: 3/18, physically separate 6/18) Here we are again.
