Christy, Thanks for responding. I think the marriage counselor did have tools for both of us. She explained that she would give homework and advice but ultimately it was up to us on whether or not we followed through. I was willing to really try, but my husband didn't seem interested. I think I just sort of gave up.
Thank you for your offer. I have just gotten the DR book and I am going focus on reading it for now. I don't know what will happen, but at this point I have to take care of myself.
You're right! My kid loves this song and this has been my theme song for the past few months.
Originally Posted By: Blugirl
If I were being honest, in some aspects, my husband is incredibly selfish, in others he is very generous.
I suppose this is what makes you want to try working on the M. Would you at some level feel that his generosity makes up for his shortcomings?
Originally Posted By: Blugirl
My husband has said he is sorry. But often times I feel like I get responses like, "I hate myself for what I've done" and "I feel very ashamed". i am a very compassionate person, but I feel like that these kind of statements are said so that I feel the urge to console him, not the other way around.
Do you feel like he's manipulating you? I think that it would take a lot of him to get to the stage where he admits that he's sorry and that he feels ashamed. My guess is that he does mean what he says, but at the same time, he wants some sort of assurance from you. I think that wayward spouses do feel shame and pain because my X has admitted that he has been feeling down since the D. Do you feel like he's trying to get you to whitewash everything by making you feel bad for him?
Originally Posted By: Blugirl
I even thought well, maybe I am not listening. So the last couple of interactions I have tried to listen, acknowledge, validate and even sometimes apologize. And then I think okay, maybe this is what I will get back. But it never happens. When I tried to discuss it this morning his response was, "maybe I am just human, and humans make mistakes, and maybe that's what you need to understand". Again, his solution is usually that I need to change me or he just throws the problem right back in my lap.
It seems that both of you are not getting through to each other. Maybe you could try reading When sorry isn't enough? Many times, our way of saying sorry is very different from another's way of saying sorry. For some, the expression of regret and the acknowledgement of hurt is key. For others, they may require the promise that it will not happen again. etc etc.
It will be a tough journey ahead, so be easy on yourself.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Blugirl...I was in your situation a few years back. First of all, I would like to offer you this hope: no matter how awful you feel right now...no matter how much it feels like you will never get over this and be happy again... You will. When my H's affair came out, I felt like my life had been destroyed by a nuclear blast. The pain and grief was overwhelming. I felt like I was walking around in a daze...observing everything in my life, but not an active participant in it. I was triggered by the tiniest little things. Not only was my future permanently altered, but so was my past. I couldn't even look at our family pictures without imagining all the things I didn't know that had been going on at the same time. I felt like my entire life had been a lie. But it gets better. It's not a short road, and definitely not an easy one. But, with time and distance from the situation, healing will come. I promise.
That being said, if I could offer one bit of advice, it would be this: if you want your marriage to survive, you have to learn to let go of the A and forgive your H. This is a lesson I learned just a little bit too late, and why I am now in the process of a D. H and I married young, were very much in love, but were still kids who made a lot of mistakes out of youth and inexperience. We hurt each other. H dealt with it by seeking validation and approval from OW after he stopped getting it from me. After the A came out, he was wrecked with guilt over what he'd done, and the hurt he put me through. He could barely talk about the A, but I demanded constant reassurance and explanations of why, and guarantees of how I could believe it would never happen again. The more I demanded, the more he withdrew. The more he withdrew, the angrier I got that he did this to us, but seemed like he was leaving me alone to deal with the pain. We fought more and more. The fights got nastier, and eventually, he moved out.
I justified to myself that it was his job to listen to me...to reassure me...to do anything I needed...because "it was his fault." And to his credit, he really tried. But we are only human and everyone has their limits. I pushed my H too far. Your H should be supportive of you, but you really have to work on yourself first and foremost. It stinks, and if life were fair it wouldn't be that way... But this isn't about fairness...it's about saving your relationship with the person you love. Get IC if you need it. Lean on trusted family or friends.
I don't in any way mean to justify your H's actions. What he did was wrong and there are no excuses for making that choice. But unless someone is just a horrible human being, most people do not have affairs simply because they want to hurt their partners. There are usually reasons why people are vulnerable. This might be controversial to say, but I think you both need compassion and understanding for each other. And maybe that compassion and understanding can be a basis for healing to begin.
First of all, I would like to offer you this hope: no matter how awful you feel right now...no matter how much it feels like you will never get over this and be happy again... You will. When my H's affair came out, I felt like my life had been destroyed by a nuclear blast. The pain and grief was overwhelming. I felt like I was walking around in a daze...observing everything in my life, but not an active participant in it. I was triggered by the tiniest little things. Not only was my future permanently altered, but so was my past. I couldn't even look at our family pictures without imagining all the things I didn't know that had been going on at the same time. I felt like my entire life had been a lie. But it gets better. It's not a short road, and definitely not an easy one. But, with time and distance from the situation, healing will come. I promise.
Although in my case it was my W that did the cheating, this is exactly how it was for me too...right down to not being able to look at pictures or remember kids' ball games and stuff for months because of what I now knew was likely going on when she left to 'run an errand' or 'go get groceries'.
I can also attest to it getting better.
I also agree about loving and forgiving, but I highly recommend you do that, if/when you are able, working through it with an MC who is practical, believes in M and only advocates D in an extreme situation as a last resort, and has experience helping people through this with some success.
Trying to deal with infidelity and continue the M without pro help is to me like trying to diffuse a nuclear bomb because you know how to repair refrigerators. That's fine if it's all you got...but if at all possible, you really need someone who can guide you through it and knows what to do.
Trying to deal with infidelity and continue the M without pro help is to me like trying to diffuse a nuclear bomb because you know how to repair refrigerators. That's fine if it's all you got...but if at all possible, you really need someone who can guide you through it and knows what to do.
I totally agree! We did not do MC, and even though we both sincerely wanted to repair our M, we made one mistake after another until it destructed. It is the worst feeling knowing how much we BOTH wanted our M to be fixed, but that we lost it because we just didn't know the right way to make it happen. Definitely get professional help if you can!
You'll never forget it. It'll be with you for life whether you stay together or divorce. That's the plain truth of it. It's too severe a betrayal to ever fully recover from. I still love my wife and we're still together. We've worked past her affair. Will I ever forget it? No. Will I ever fully trust her again? No. Can I live with a marriage like that? I've decided to. Only time will tell.
"Trying to deal with infidelity and continue the M without pro help is to me like trying to diffuse a nuclear bomb because you know how to repair refrigerators. That's fine if it's all you got...but if at all possible, you really need someone who can guide you through it and knows what to do."
tl2-
Your analogy is spot on! Love it!
Cristy
Last edited by Cristy; 10/28/1507:47 PM.
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Thanks everyone for all you words of advice. It means so much.
The truth is... There is so much I love about my husband. He's a wonderful provider, out of the two of us - he is the better parent, he's any amazing problem solver and takes wonderful care of his family, he has a very peaceful personality and their have been many times where he has calmed my soul. He is generous and can be quite thoughtful. I guess I do forget that he is human and makes mistakes just like we all do. My problem is that I forget all those good things when we are upset with each other. That's something I need to change about me.
Anna, your letter was spot on! That's what I have been doing and how I feel! And quite honestly, I really don't like to see myself get so ugly. Do you think it's wrong of me to say that "I'm feeling sad and need you to comfort me. Could you do ... xyz?"
I agree TX, I'll never forget and the marriage is changed forever. But to be honest, there is still good here. Plus I've read that getting a divorce doesn't necessarily mean I will be happy after.
Even though we have been married for 20 + yrs, we communicate fine as long as we are getting along. The moment a problems is presented or there is conflict, it quickly goes down hill
Surprisingly, he told me today that he made an appointment with our MC, so we will see where this goes....
I am sorta new here. So I will apologize in advance if I post or write some I shouldn't.
I have been married for 20 yrs. And we have definitely had our share of problems.
But in short, here is my question. What would you do if divorce is being used a manipulation technique? To intimidate?
My husband had an affair and refuses to accept responsibility. I know I will get responses that say, well, "what was your part in his having an affair". And I will tell you right now zero! Zip! Nada! I will acknowledge there were problems in the marriage that we BOTH OWN. But this is 100% on him. I wasn't happy in my marriage either, but I didn't choose to have an affair. Shifting the blame to the faithful partner absolves the cheating spouse to accept no responsibility for their actions. "I wasn't getting xyz at home, so I found it else where". So if the unfaithful partner can convince you it was your fault and that you just need to try harder ... That just isn't gonna fly in my book. Sorry, but it's not. Multiple things could have been done if there was an unhappy partner in the marriage. Reading books, Counseling, Prayer, communication....etc.
So he got frustrated that I wouldn't own HIS actions and just rug sweep his affair. So he filed for divorce. He is the breadwinner and I was in college at the time and couldn't afford to stop going and I would have to quit and find work. So I folded. He later revealed that him filing for divorce was meant to frighten me. While he was moving out, he would come every Thursday and would pack more things and leave. He would make sure I was in class at the time so that he wouldn't have to see me. Every Thurday when I came home and saw that more stuff was gone, I would be more and more heartbroken. Then one day I just snapped. I took the rest of his things and boxed them up and left them in the garage. I totally rearranged the closet to fit all my things now that everything he owned was packed up. He later told me how much that hurt him and he sat in the garage and cried.
He is making claims that he is going to file for divorce again. He behaves as though I hold no value to him. He has also made then comment that, "With as much money as he makes, it will be quite easy to have have me replaced, and no one on this earth is ever gonna want me".
I know many of you would say, "why would I even want to be with him?" And I wonder that myself sometimes. He is currently in therapy, but I am at the end of my rope with him. I don't really feel like he wants the divorce, in my opinion, he is wanting control. I am literally on the fence if he does it again this time. I may just agree to it. It's not what I want. What I want is to be treated with love and respect, and I feel like if I fold again, I will be letting him know that it's okay to totally disrespect me. I guess I am one Tired Blugirl.
So my question is, if your situation is like mine, how did you handle things? Did you just do the 180 and GAL?
