Lunch went well. I fixed her a plate and a glass of tea. Fed the boys. W told me about her plans for the evening, and told me about last night too. Dinner with her aunt and Halloween prep. Nothing too exciting. She told me about having a mild case of food poisoning, what her parents were doing. I did not offer anything. Not sure if she was trying to get me to volunteer info? I was friendly, but vague.
It sort of felt like old times. I will try not to read anymore into this. I easily could get my hopes up.
Had a great time at basketball. W coached a team while I sat with s4. Then lunch. Then I coached a team while she watched. I haven't laughed like that in a while. And it was real! I miss being with my kids all the time. And their group of buddies are very fun too.
All in all a great day. S6 went with a friend and S8 is going for a sleepover. So s4 and I are going to live it up.
I hope the last few interactions with W will allow me to see that candlelight that I hear others talk about.
Keeping fingers crossed, and trying to keep expectations low.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
If I have already sent this copy, I apologize. If not, then please read through it.
Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to not bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them. _________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi, I have read other articles on detachment. This was a pretty good one. I know it is necessary, and I am working on it. I am better than I was a couple months ago. Other than when we have had a discussion about the boys, I have been calm, and even. Sometimes a little cold, which I am working on. I would think that expectations are tied to detachment, or lack thereof. I have not tried to rescue her, or volunteer anything since right after she filed. I try to validate, when given the opportunity. Usually our conversation starts with kids, and just facts. I screwed up a couple weeks ago and had an r talk. I will try and let her lead from now on though. Please let me know where I can improve!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
The hard part for me will be no expectations and no r talk. But, as long as we don't have a court date, then I feel my chances are much better. I am not real sure how to proceed, but every good interaction should get me closer to my goal.
I had another dream about her last night, which probably ties in to the fact that it had been 5 months since we have been intimate today. That's a long time! So, that is something else I need to be careful of... very much frustrated there too.
Sorry tmi, I know
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
