Today I feel a lot more positive - not sure why but partly its down to the reading I have been doing.
W goes away from Sat am to Mon PM with the kids to an old friends home about 200 miles away. Its a trip she does every 2 years or so. In the past I have gone but not every time. I will miss them but intend to keep myself busy with a few DIY jobs, 2 long bike rides with the cycling club (total 100 miles), catch up with some work emails and I might go out and get myself some new clothes! - shopping therapy! Im also trying to get out to watch a soccer game at a friends house.
I've decided to act happy - really happy. To get away from any negativity in the house, conscious or subconscious.
W responds to happy as she is a very positive person. I need to keep it up with every interaction with her.
At the same time it will be good for the kids, hopefully more laughter and fun in the house and it should help me to keep a more even mood - no more swinging from hopefulness to despair.
Next week the kids are off school, so Mon PM I will see them and then I have them all day Wednesday. We are going to a local castle for Halloween.
I also intend to practise some salsa via You Tube and go to my first absolute beginners lesson on Monday evening - If W asks where I am going I will tell her - let see what happens.
Onwards and Upwards
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
When all this was going on, how often did you flirt with her? Not just wanting sex, but actually flirting and playing around with her physically?
Mr Bond: Back in 2012 when she accepted me back and gave me a list of improvements and thoughts she had about me, I continued to DB, but mostly the easy stuff (how to improve me, GAL etc) the sex and intimacy issues weren't addressed.
As I have said we tried with sexy lingerie and toys etc but only occasionally did she put them on and I was still incapable of initiating sex. I am quite introverted, flirting doesnt come naturally, and the Mr Nice Guy type, dont rock the boat even when you know things are wrong.
Over the next 2 years things were ok but drifting, drifting and she put more and more barriers up and started to go out more without me. Again Mr Nice Guy didnt rock the boat, until she started to cut me off completely physically.
Then I protested, Oct 2014. We have no QT together, no connection because of no QT. How can we connect when we dont go out together etc etc. After a big Row in Dec 2014 she said she would make more QT for us and things improved.
But again it drifted, I always had the feeling that she hadn't reconnected but was making an effort without her heart (desire) in it.
Jan 2015 and Feb 2105 were good. She 'missed' me when I was away on business - always a good sign temp check. We sexted a little bit as well.
But again the drift set in.
In all other ways we connect very well. I have been very very supportive when she vented about her work, bought her gifts, even dresses, always, thoughtful gifts at birthday and Xmas, lots and lots of foot massages - her favourite massage.
But you are right I didnt flirt enough (at all) or mess around physically other than long hugs,
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
First S11 asked for the first time, why I was now sleeping in the spare room. I gave a non-committal answer saying that was the way it was for now. He shrugged and went back to his own room. He knows something is up.
W was grumpy – this is usually lack of sleep – and true to form she hadn’t slept very well. For the rest of the morning W was a little cold, no warmth and not conversational. Several times I tried to engage but no real success. It feels like she resents my presence especially at the weekends when we spend more hours together in the house.
There was rain here this morning so I went to the gym instead of a bike ride. Trouble was W goes to the gym with kids and it felt like she didn’t want me there even though we don’t actually see each other in the gym – she uses the exercise classes, I use the gym.
Anyway, she then headed off with the kids after lunch for their weekend away and on the plus side she did make my lunch and a cup of tea.
Its feels very lonely without her and the kids in this 4 bedroom house.
I’ve been mulling over a serious decision/R talk I want to have with W.
One were I give her several options as to how we are to proceed. I want to breakdown her reasons to resent me and open up the possibility of us connecting again. There are several threads on the Forum were extended in-house separation is characterised by bitterness from the WW – though usually there is OM . More later
Last edited by isittoolate; 10/24/1504:43 PM.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
No R talk. That'll only make things worse. I'm in a in house separation and it can be a living hell, if you let it get to you. The longer you're at it, the eaiser it gets.
So, the house is empty - what you gonna do?
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
I've just finished some wallpapering in S8s bedroom, need to paint it and finish off on Monday. Now watching Rugby and going to get a Chinese takeaway later.
Bike ride tomorrow starts at 8am and should last 3-4 hours. Then I hope to watch Liverpool game in the pub with a mate, tho not sure if Rugby will be on instead.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
Mortgage. We move out in December. I will be renting for now until situation settles down.
Decorating is a good way of keeping occupied. I did it in the first couple of weeks of BD. I had my first attempt at papering (normally W's province, I'm more a Dulux man), which could be best described as a learning curve!
Oh well, every man has his cross to bear and being a Liverpool fan must be an enormous one.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
I truly believe that W does not have a EA/PA with OM and that my WW sitch is complex but in a different way to many of the sitchs on this Forum. So many here have EA/PA, OM/OW or MLCers. Not many just have WAWs. All of the DB techniques apply to both WW and WAW and my W shows signs of WW , resentment and rebellion, but getting a WW to turn back to the marriage is taken to another level with EA/PA and trust issues.
I still implicitly trust my W.
The way I see my sitch, I am faced with doing one of the following:
Status Quo – work on being the best dad to my kids – try to GAL a little more – to be uber happy and uber confident in the presence of W. But at the same time face increasing hostility and resentment from W as our in-house separation continues. She can’t force me out, wants me out and resents my presence. We become more distant from each other, the atmosphere becomes toxic and more unpleasant with W cutting me out of her life and possibly head towards some OM.
Trial Separation - Propose a trial separation starting after Xmas – this defuses the resentment, allowing us to converse and engage ‘normally’ within the house. I continue to work on being the best dad for my kids – Gal etc. I get 10-12 weeks to work on it. W is ‘happy’ as she sees a wayout of the 'trap'. It will also focus her mind on the financial implications and the effect on our kids. Xmas becomes a lot more pleasant. During the same convo I also ask her to consider MC but it would be up to her and I would only accept it if I thought she was genuinely committed to the process.
Immediate trial separation starting before Xmas - this defuses the resentment even more, allowing us to converse and engage ‘normally’ within the house. I continue to work on being the best dad for my kids – Gal etc. I get 4-6 weeks to work on it. W is ‘happy’ as she sees an end to the 'trap'.It will focus her mind even more on the financial implications as I will not settle for a 2-bit apartment or flat and would demand a 3-bed house. I would need furnishing ,inc beds, tv , fridge, cooker etc etc – cost £2000. Rental plus bills would be £1000+ pcm. (we cannot afford this without major cuts to the household budget inc halting our kids University funds and no foreign holidays) Our kids would be acutely affected not just by the physical split but also the convoluted childcare arrangements – I work away at least one night a week – up to 4 nights per week. For instance next week 1 night, then, 0 nights, then 4 nights. When not away, I work from home. I would insist on getting ‘custody’ for 14/15 nights per month. The disruption for them would be immense.
S11 is in a high achieving school and gets lots and lots of homework. He has to get a train to school and back. At the moment when I am away, he has to get up at 6:30, W drives him to childminder at 7am she feeds him, then he walks to train station at 7:45.W would also lose her babysitter (Me) for some of the time although we have another she could hire (more costs) for her busy social life. Also professionally she would suffer a little as she might not be able to attend some meetings in London and elsewhere as she has no babysitter. The boys also have a myriad of after school activities Tuesday – Friday. At the moment it is logistically taxing to fit everything in, across two homes a few miles apart would be a nightmare. She would undoubtedly recruit friends to help but just sorting out football kit, scouts uniform, cubs uniform, gym kit would be hard.
So what is in it for me?
I think my sitch is worse than last time (2012) W is colder, and more resentful. I have changed for the better but we are still in this sitch. She has been down this road before and believes M can not be saved BUT It would give W space and time and no reason to resent me. It would give me more time to GAL and look after myself It allows us to step back, appreciate each other, and opens the possibility of us ‘dating’ i.e. a trip to the movies or even later on a meal out with no pressure.
There is a precedent from 2012. Last time I engineered a separation for 3 weeks but then forced my way back into our house albeit in the spare bedroom. W went ballistic but also said that she was happy (when separated) for the first time in a long time and had considered counselling.
It a gamble and one I will take if necessary. I just need to give it considerable thought. I would like to do it from a position of strength and look like I am making a bold decision as a MAN, one she will respect. I will also ask for her word that she will not pursue OM while we processed the separation and beyond. I would ask for ground rules to cover the separation for as long as it took - no fixed time.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
I certainly wouldn't want to propose a trial separation. To me, that says, you accept the situation. Welcome to be outvoted by more experienced members....
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
