Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
Remember... integrity is shown through actions, not words.
right. so I should wait for her to bring up OW again before I make an statement about the standards I've set and not willing to accept anything less from myself, her or anyone else?
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
Look at it like an archer walking around with a quiver full of arrows... Aka truth darts, have them on the ready and when you are confronted with that "you're off nekkid with another woman" line you raise your bow calmly, state how you are a man who has integrity and honored his vows and continue to do so... That's it.. One arrow hitting the bullseye and you walk... Do not fire off gunshots about what she is doing nor with whom as its a given and not needed to be brought up.
Short and to the point.. Then you end it and walk ... Let her slow cook it and think about that
FYI... Truth darts are best when they bring it up, otherwise it's perceived as an attack... She fires the first shot and you can easily validate and truth dart in retur
For me: W: oh you are going on a date with some slut? me: I'm sorry that me going on with my life upsets you, that being said Jordan is a good friend of mine and HE and I are indeed going out, I have honored our wedding vows from day one, I've got to go have a great night"
And I walked ... She blew up my phone via texts and calls and I ignored them
Thornton, Thank you for the tips and reminder that integrity is a way of life and not simply words. Cali, This is a great example. I'll be sure to use to watch for the opportunity.
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
Journaling, I arrived home last night and knowing WW had plans to go out. I helped D4 get dressed to have a daddy/daughter date night. I definitely didn't want to sit around and watch her leave. WW did not seem to be in a good mood. Once we were ready D4 and I went to MBR to tell WW we were leaving. I said " We're going to the movies, bye" WW didn't respond. He just walked back into the bathroom. She didn't come home last night.
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
You did well, all you can do is be a father at this point. I'll tell you, this situation helped be become a better dad... My S was 6 when it all started, I was very careful in what he was exposed to, what he seen and heard .... W was not as careful as she was in the fog and was quite selfish .... Again her circus and her monkeys ... Through it all S and I did so many cool things and formed an even tighter bond for which I'm grateful, I was an "ok" dad before.... Now I'm proud of the father I've become
As far as your W.... Guilt will be driving her moods a bit, along with anger and confusion as she sorts things out. Most likely you are still viewed as the obstacle between her and happiness in her eyes.... Accept that's the way it is... Accept its her perception and out of your control... You keep working on you and let her go for now ... As hard as it is ... It's the hand you were felt and it's the only way to play it
I am not necessarily disagreeing with what has been said, just want to give a different point of view.
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She gave me a little more grief about how I am not the boss and I do not get to decide when these conversations are going to happen. I just looked at her and we continued the parenting plan conversation.
I thought you handled the other night very well. That is, until she made the decision to have another conversation about the parenting plan. You came home at 1:30 a.m., right? She decides to have another conversation about parenting plan at that time of morning?? Tells you that you don't get to choose when to have the conversations....(but apparently she can), and then you continue to do what she dictates and have the parenting conversation? Why didn't you walk away? Couldn't you see what she was REALLY doing? She was angry and jealous. She wanted to punish you, so she goes over the same old stuff, again....hoping to get more information about your night. Don't tear down what you have just accomplished, by submitting to this type of bullying from her. Next time, you should calmly tell her that that conversation can wait till the next day and that you are going to bed. Ignore her insinuating questions.
The WW will throw a fit if she thinks her LBH may be doing some of the very things she's guilty of doing! Do not tell her anything! Do not give her assurances.
I understand the point on integrity. I may not have read all the posts following the one I am responding to, but let me add something to the mix. First, I do not tell anyone to lie to their spouse. I do tell a H of a WW to let her think whatever she wants to think about him being out, with whom, etc. (H's of WW's are much to quick to explain himself). I do tell him to be very mysterious. If you are assuring her that you're just out with a bunch of guys or visiting family, etc., then she has nothing to worry about. She should be thinking a lot more about the fact she's setting her H free. She's putting him out on the open market. You see how jealous she was, right? That's actually a good thing (unless you've been unfaithful in the past). If she didn't care that you may have a girlfriend.....then that would not be a good thing.
Please do not misunderstand what I'm saying. I am not saying to lie. I am not saying to act as if you are having an A. I am saying that when she asks you about wearing your ring or where you went or saw......do not give her the answer she wants to hear. Don't even respond, but simply look at her without any emotion and walk away from her. Now, I am thinking from the VP of a WW.
If the MR was healthy/normal, then I would not suggest not answering her questions......but if it was healthy/normal, I doubt she would be enraged that you had the nerve to do something she couldn't control. And that's the core problem for her, right there.
Not knowing your whereabouts and your activities is some of the consequences she needs to experience, as a WW. Not controlling you is a lesson she needs to experience, as a spouse.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, Thank you for all your insight. You, along with Cali and Thornton have all been extremely helpful and I can not tell you how much it means to me.
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That is, until she made the decision to have another conversation about the parenting plan. You came home at 1:30 a.m., right? She decides to have another conversation about parenting plan at that time of morning?? Tells you that you don't get to choose when to have the conversations....(but apparently she can), and then you continue to do what she dictates and have the parenting conversation? Why didn't you walk away? Couldn't you see what she was REALLY doing?
I could see she was dictating the discussion and my first reaction was to end it and walk away. The reason I didn't is bc we had a court hearing the next day and I may have to have this ready for the hearing. Turns out...I didn't. I've also realized I shouldn't have really cared if it was ready or not. I do not want this D
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Next time, you should calmly tell her that that conversation can wait till the next day and that you are going to bed. Ignore her insinuating questions.
I did this the following night. I came home late again. She came into the MBR talking about wanting to install new carpet. She also went into the bathroom to brush her teeth. Pretty ridiculous since we'll be selling the house and I have a hard time believing she needed to brush her teeth since it was late, she had already been sleeping and she's a dental hygienist. I told her I don't think it's a good idea and I climbed into bed as she continued to tell me why she thought it was. I told her it's not and why and rolled over.
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Please do not misunderstand what I'm saying. I am not saying to lie. I am not saying to act as if you are having an A. I am saying that when she asks you about wearing your ring or where you went or saw......do not give her the answer she wants to hear. Don't even respond, but simply look at her without any emotion and walk away from her. Now, I am thinking from the VP of a WW.
This is how I've been handling her accusations and there seems to be a little progress. ie she continues to ask about a girlfriend, she's sending more text- even though they are just about finances and controlling me, she's getting up in the middle of the night to talk to me. Possible step backwards but not necessarily. Could actually be a step in the right direction- she didn't come home last night and she left me a note asking me to make sure the cat and dog had food/water and to bring in the milk in the morning. I think she left it to initially let me know she wouldn't be home. She's trying to get a reaction from me. She'll get none.
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Not knowing your whereabouts and your activities is some of the consequences she needs to experience, as a WW. Not controlling you is a lesson she needs to experience, as a spouse.
She's giving me another opportunity to show her she doesn't control me. She sent a text yesterday that said "on the days you don't have D4 I will be sleeping in my room. I'm tired of the garage door waking me up when you come home in the middle of the night"
This will be a great opportunity for me to validate her feelings, restate my decision/boundary to sleep in the MBR, show her she doesn't control me and then reinforce all of it. My DB coach said I should say " I understand how that would be frustrating. I've made it clear where I'll be sleeping. I will park in the driveway if you'll leave the chain lock off the front door or you could sleep in the basement bedroom."
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
