I have not been posting the past day or two because my life has been pretty uneventful. I had a good GAL weekend. Me and S4 had a great time last night (he tried on his Halloween costume and wouldn't take it off until he fell asleep).
In the dumps a little today, not near like it had been last week. Just missing the "normalcy" in my life. Missing my purpose in taking care of my family. And overall just feel bad because I know what XF is missing out on. While S4 and myself are living it up, doing all sorts of fun things and spending quality time, she is holed up in a one bedroom dump of an apartment. Letting her "misery loves company" friends drag her down and use her time and time again. (Right now she is helping one of them plan thier own wedding, this is a friend who was in charge of XF's baby shower and when my sister called to ask how she could help, was told that "friend" has no time or money for something so stupid and my sister should take the reins and just let her know when it is). But now all of a sudden the friend has a lot to do and it's XF's problem haha.
Not my problem, just frustrating to see her being used like this while pushing the people who actually care away???
Last edited by Uphill; 10/20/1501:06 PM.
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
Processing some thoughts today. I am unsure if I at this point miss XF or if I just miss the companionship? I feel like I have a hole inside me, a missing piece. But is it her? Or is it the fact that I have nobody to share my life with on an intimate level? The conversations, hugs, kisses... Just being there for somebody no matter what.
I do think to an extent I do miss XF. I'm not 100% sure that is all of it right now though? She is still the beautiful girl she always has been, but the way I have been treated lately makes her much less attractive. The times I sense I do miss her the most is remembering what we had in the past, definatly not where we are now. And then right now as I'm typing this the song "God gave me you" comes on the radio... That has always been her song to me?!?!
Another thought I've had the past few days. I want another child. That was something I always wanted for us and S4. I know not to think too far into the future, it just worries me that I may not ever have that? I just wish I had some closure one way or another so I knew if me and XF ever have a chance to have that together, or if I should be looking to move on so my dreams aren't erased?
Anyway, just trying to sort out what is actually going on in my head right now.
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
Maybe "closure" was the wrong word. I meant more like, where will I be in a year? As if I had a crystal ball and could know what is to come for me... Insight may fit better to express what I meant.
Last edited by Uphill; 10/21/1505:50 PM.
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
Maybe "closure" was the wrong word. I meant more like, where will I be in a year? As if I had a crystal ball and could know what is to come for me... Insight may fit better to express what I meant.
I know what you mean.
You dont want to be with someone else until you know for sure that you have no chance of ever getting back with XF. And if you know you arent ever getting back with XF, why wait a year to find that out, when you could be looking for someone new, now. Am I close?
The way I see it, our lives are like a choose your own adventure book. Sure, you can read one of the ending pages now, but without the story in the middle, it wont make sense. Not to mention, if you dont choose that pathway through the book, you wont ever even read that ending.
In my opinion, theres no point on focusing on the ending, because it will be written based on the choices you make differently. If you didnt like the ending in a year, youd make different choices today, right? Instead, visualize the ending that you want and make choices that get you closer to that vision.
You nailed it azz! I DO hope that ending includes a NEW R with XF but if that is not ever an option what am I doing with my life? I feel like the way it is now I will be holding onto the hope of that for the rest of my life? I may live to be 100 years old or I could be struck by lightning tomorrow...
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
I guess it is just in my head that I could be DBing forever and never move on and never have a chance with XF?
I definatly don't want to turn the page and kick myself 6 months down the road. But 6 months from now if I think the same way this could go on forever. I've been on this rollercoaster since febuary. I swore on my life that if she ever left me I wouldn't look back. It would be her decision and she would have to live with it. Then in May she did move out. Thought, maybe this will do us some good and show her what she had in me.
Now, nearly 6 months later I feel as if I am growing as a person and doing some soul searching to fix myself, but it doesn't seem as if I am any closer to my end goal. Like I'm spinning my tires and wasting opportunities? There is a girl who was engaged whom I wouldn't give the time of day. She broke off her engagement to try to get with me. A marriage has been broken up for the same reasons! I told the female involved that she is married and I want nothing to do with her. She replied to me 2 weeks later that she won't be married much longer and moved out of thier home?!?! I never even replied to that message and haven't heard from her since. I have not pursued anything with anybody but honestly it's like women were waiting for this day? I have had some very promising "prospects" come out of the woodwork and I have blown them all off because I'm holding onto this hope. The question I have for myself right now is am I making the right decisions for me?
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
I guess it is just in my head that I could be DBing forever and never move on and never have a chance with XF?
If you are DBing with the sole intent of reconciliation, then yes.
Originally Posted By: Uphill
Now, nearly 6 months later I feel as if I am growing as a person and doing some soul searching to fix myself, but it doesn't seem as if I am any closer to my end goal.
Ask yourself this question and answer it honestly: "What is my end goal?"
I am DBing with R in mind but that is not the only reason. I want to also learn how I contributed to the meltdown of our R and how to avoid doing it again whether it be with XF or a new woman.
I have many goals I am working on. But my "end goal" is to be HAPPY and feel WHOLE again. No matter what happens. That is where this stage [censored] because it feels like I have no direction.
Me 34, XF 27 Many years together Son 4 Engaged Not engaged Many false starts by XF 7/16 new girlfriend comes into my life 2/17 girlfriend moves in my home
Now, nearly 6 months later I feel as if I am growing as a person and doing some soul searching to fix myself, but it doesn't seem as if I am any closer to my end goal.
then you said this:
Originally Posted By: Uphill
my "end goal" is to be HAPPY and feel WHOLE again.
Judging from the posts and your tone over the last few months, I would say you are PLENTY closer to your end goal. Dont you think?
