With how little contact we have, none if it being in person, the only way I could conceivable take control would be to tell her not to contact me again until she's not in contact with OM and is ready to work on the marriage.
I actually almost did that, I just feel like it would have a high chance of ending our MR if I did.
The DR book talks about baby steps and doing the above seems like the opposite of that.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Ya I got a copy of DR and have been reading it. I'm currently trying to figure out the best way to stand up for myself without coming off as pursuing. It's hard because we have so little contact.
She is actually coming over today, though, to pick up some stuff and asked if we could talk. We both went to IC sessions last week so I assume we'll discuss that.
If/when she asks about mine, I'm thinking about saying something to this effect:
We spent most of the session discussing the past 8 months., and what I realized is that you've been treating me like absolute crap up to and including the way you left. Even after the horrible way you acted, I continued to be loving and caring, because that's what I think a husband is supposed to do. I was true to myself and I am proud of the way I acted.
Thoughts? Up til now I haven't really said anything about how I feel she's been acting.
Hi Oatmeal, I don't think the convo you describe is going to go well. From a DB POV, it is best not to have a R talk at all if you can avoid it. And if she does want a R talk, best to purely give her the message that you accept her decision and will be making your own plans.
As a general rule, try and avoid talking about what 'she's done' and talk about what you are going to do. She is involved with someone else right now. Certainly an EA and possibly a PA. What does this mean for you? That you'd still like to spend time with her in Hawaii?
My H spent a while after BD saying he was lost and confused. Didn't know what he wanted (but he was continuing his A.) What I should have said to him at the time was that I have no intention of putting my life on hold whilst he carries on a R with someone else.
Above all, avoid appearing desperate for signs of approval from her. Her heart is elsewhere just now and may be for some time. Now that may change, but for now accept she is gone and make your own plans. I actually think the best thing for today might be to have some last minute plans crop up and leave her to it!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
If/when she asks about mine, I'm thinking about saying something to this effect:
We spent most of the session discussing the past 8 months., and what I realized is that you've been treating me like absolute crap up to and including the way you left. Even after the horrible way you acted, I continued to be loving and caring, because that's what I think a husband is supposed to do. I was true to myself and I am proud of the way I acted.
You don't see anything wrong with what you said above, but are afraid to say the suggestion below?
Quote:
I like that idea of "something coming up", but I'll admit I'm afraid of what that may mean for our contact going forward.
I still have some time, so I'm going to mull it over.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Not really. She is receptive to honesty and I'm fairly sure she wouldn't disagree with how she's been treating me recently. I feel like it may encourage her to self-reflect on the way she's been acting. God knows she hasn't held back in the honesty department with how she feels towards me.
I don't know how she'd interpret the latter option, because it's very unlike me ( I realize it being counterintuitive to me may make it the right choice ). So it's more of a fear of the unknown with that one.
Yes, fear is the big thing to overcome. Fear that we will drive someone away, not have contact with them, not be loved any more.
The big thing to realise is that the worst has already happened. Our WAS's have gone at BD. We already lost them. However, it may be possible that they return at some point. But likely not some point soon.
It's important to face your fear and not be led by it in your interactions with her. I remained fearful of D for a good while and when I lost that fear and knew I would be okay if we D'd, it was freeing.
I hope the convo went well if you guys did have one. :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
You W is wayward. If you think of her in the same context as you always have, and try to respond to her as you always have.....there is a larger chance of getting D. You cannot deal with this situation the same as other problems...or treat her as though she is wanting to save the M. Her mindset has completely changed. This is not the girl you married.
Quote:
I'm fairly sure she wouldn't disagree with how she's been treating me recently.
For the WW, it isn't about "honesty". Not her honesty, anyway. It's about justification! She will find everything to justify her reasons for feeling like she does. She will justify her reason for divorcing you.
Have either of you ever been involved with another person, before this time?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
"Have either of you ever been involved with another person, before this time?" No, this is the first time.
I think the convo ended up going quite well. I went in with the mindset that I wouldn't let anything she said phase me emotionally and succeeded.
We talked a lot about our relationship and her feelings. I engaged with her, but I think I did a fairly good job of responding in a detached way. I defended myself when I felt she was gas lighting.
Not sure if it was just a coincidence, but she showed some emotion for the first time by tearing up. She also said we had a good relationship all these years, whereas last month she basically denied this. I have to admit, this was a little frustrating to hear as I was thinking to myself that we still can have that good relationship and the talk we are having shows that. We get along really well and can civilly talk with each other about basically anything.
Toward the end, I asked her when she planned to move the rest of her stuff out. She was caught off guard, and asked if it could wait. I said I'd think about it. Yesterday, though, she emailed me and said she will move it into a storage pod. I wouldn't want to go back on it now that I've said it, but I'm questioning if this was a smart thing for me to do.
I ended the conversation by telling her I'm headed to the gym. She hugged me and I broke it off after a second or two.
I haven't reached out to her since then (Tuesday), but did respond today to an email to work out some logistics with flights that we had booked for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the Hawaii trip. I don't plan on initiating any contact.
I was hoping after the good talk we had on Tuesday that she would reach out at some point during the week to show some renewed interest, but it didn't happen. Is it ok to have these talks with her or is it just letting her cake-eat by getting emotional support from me?
