My MLC wife recently started an A, it didn't last long as the OM was a strong believer and was confronted by other close strong believers who convinced him otherwise. Basically he had a change of heart, however he may not stick to that. The W filed for Divorce a couple weeks ago and I returned the first volley of paper work. We are trying to have a good divorce so that we do not destroy our equity and children's lives. I of course know this is all a MLC from a troubled upbringing and hope to save the marriage and long term happiness of everyone involved. She has always known that I want to save the marriage and the OM now wants us to save the marriage too. And he is actually pushing her too hard to do it and driving her away. How do I maintain respect, but not sever the relationship. No matter what at this point we are stuck in the same house. She believes that the only reason she is around is to aid in taking me through the next few months till I get a major job upgrade. She does at times admit there is a possibility of getting back together. Deep down inside I want her to stay and I want to forgive, but at the same time I kinda don't want her to have the medal of honor attached with helping me get the good job upgrade if she just leaves in the end, I would rather have the pride of doing it myself. But so far I have taken the risk of allowing her to stay in my home.
So the W is back home, sleeping in my bed with me.
Should I kick her out of the bed? Should I remove my wedding ring which I have retained all this time? I sleep and have slept naked should I stop doing that? If I do and she starts coming back to me how do you know when its OK to accept affection or when you are just being trapped?
We share almost everything even her facebook account. Should I begin creating or separating these things. Right now its not even possible to separate finances really.
The MLC started about 2 years ago and reached a peak when I went on a business trip and she committed adultery, in the 2 months since then I have learned much, screwed up much, and made the affair worse than it original was, mostly emotional turned to physical.
Another issue is jobs, I don't plan to discuss it with her but should I try to take a local job so I can stay close or should I be more focused on moving away. I know part of what drove her into the MLC was the stress of this last home stretch and the thought of moving away from her comfortable home and life.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Hi dcop, welcome to the Board. I am sorry that you are here.
How long have you been married? Are there any children involved?
The wedding ring question is one that comes up frequently. I think the best response is to wear it if you want to wear it. If you don't want to wear it, then don't. But whatever you do, don't use the ring to try and get a response from your W.
I have read and done much of what is listed above and its been a great help. However one night I lost control when she was trying to leave and that may have cost the relationship. Tried to keep her home. That is why I am finally posting because I realize doing what I want to do doesn't work. Doing what other people find is effective is what works. I am a sucker and want her to stay in the bed near me, I want to wear the wedding ring to show I am still going to try and avoid questions at work etc... But in the past doing what I want to do has been all bad. Which is why I look to others for help now.
Last night we engaged in foreplay I made her initiate everything. But then she asked me if I love her and I said yes, then she got mad and said then why didn't you love me right or something and dropped off me.
I work, work out, eat, try to sleep, keep myself up enough to notice a lot more complements from my W and other woman. And its all working great. Being the conceded psycho she is at this stage in life she showed all this stuff to the OM and that was probably part of what made him wonder what he was doing. He was of course convinced he was saving some poor woman from a negligent cheating husband, but after seeing a lot more and hearing a lot more he realized he was just a home wrecker. But some of these questions seem a lot more nuanced than I am getting strait answers on. Maybe I should interpret that answer as I should keep the ring on because taking it off would be trying to get a response from the W.
Also just a little tip that might want to be integrated into the above post, another way to keep yourself safe is to use in private browsing sessions to do all your research. Its a lot easier on you than clearing your cookies / history and I think all web browser no support such a feature.
Thanks dcop for the update. You raised an issue in your initial post that it is difficult to keep things separate in your marriage. Can you explain this a bit more. Obviously FB, you both can have separate names to log in under.
But the finances is something I would strongly recommend that you keep strictly separate. A MLC W can spend a great deal of money in a short period of time. Perhaps even before you are aware of it.
If your W is dependent on you for her spending, then you can transfer money to the family account for her expenses. But you should have a separate account which pays all of the major bills (house, car, etc.) Otherwise, you are in danger of her spending causing much greater danger for you and your children.
I have a pressing question, I leave soon for a business trip, the W has offered to go with me (to support me) But I also have the option of leaving her at home with the kids for various practical reasons. She says she can work on her business but realistically she hasn't done much of anything for her business in a couple months. Every day she says I will do X or Y and every day she just doesn't get any of it done or ends up shopping or doing who knows what for 6-10 hours.
I know that the MLC W has to spend time alone, maybe that's what she does well shopping but I just don't know if I should leave her home with the kids or take her with me on the business trip. Maybe the time alone will help her move forward.
One other pressing matter is the OM, as I mentioned he claims to be willing to support the relationship and the W claims he is pushing her to come back to me. Should I push for them to cut of communication or just let it ride out. I feel that him pushing her to go back to me could make our chances worse.
Since you and W are still living together, I’d opt to take her with. Maybe you both can have a good, or at least decent time? Plus since it’s a work trip, W can have some time on her own, which will be good for her.
I’ve done several trips with my W over the last 3+ years of crisis, and while there are some uncomfortable moments, I believe it’s helped us stay together. I also would not suggest kicking your W out of bed.
Finances are a personal thing. Yes, you need to keep an eye on it, but maybe that’s all. My wife stayed in our home and never went nuts with money. Not all of them do. But I do know they don’t like feeling like they are being controlled… that will drive them away.
“I feel that him (OM) pushing her to go back to me could make our chances worse.”
I agree. But you can’t control what he says or does. I’d suggest relegating him and his actions to the unimportant drawer. Don’t give him any power. I also wouldn’t engage in conversations with W about what he thinks. Your relationship is only between you two. Even family should be left out. Our families have no clue what W and I have gone through, and that too has helped us.
Have you set any boundaries regarding OM?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I have not set any boundaries largely because I felt that would simply drive her more to him. But maybe I should would setting a boundary like you cannot see him after X time at night or before Y time in the morning cause a problem our relationship?
One other question, do drugs, as in prescription antidepressants help a MLC or hurt it. Finally after a long time the W approached the Dr. and was prescribed an antidepressant.
Things became much more normal and better with the product but at the same time I wondered if it could lengthen the MLC by not allowing the person to properly confront their issues and or move through the MLC. And certainly things could be bad when coming off of the drug, just wondering what experiences others have had with this.
