That's the thing, you need to know if and how you can enforce it before you say it. Don't pop off something to her, and then come ask us how can you enforce it. Know what I mean?
Got it. I am catching on here.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Why did you take part of the talk?
No reason other than I am a sucker for my wife (not completely detached.. I was weak).
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Why are you leaving text messages on your phone that your W can read? She will be finding you on this board if you are not more careful.
I was away from my phone taking a shower when the text message came through. I did delete prior messages. W shared that another woman expressing how she was feeling without any prior text message; that I was hiding something (I did not respond other than saying I am not having an A but I wanted to say.. you speaking from experience.. because that’s what she did when I speculated and confronted her on her A).
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Seriously? B/c another woman is texting her H! Just b/c she fired you doesn't mean she's not still jealous. A woman is very complexed. Add waywardness to the woman, and you have multiplied the complexity several times.
When I look back over the course of this event there are moments where I should have stood firm (but I was NOT aware of DD techniques at that time).. just saying this is a LONG LONG bumpy road.
Journaling. Typical weekend, we (W, kids, and I) spend time doing family things together. I would say it was good (fun and pleasant) weekend. Then Sunday evening, W and I go grocery shopping and cooked dinner together (not uncommon). But at dinner I comment on the soup (because it was honestly yummy) and inquired on the broth ingredients and process. Her shared but then added, “so you can make it for someone”. I was caught off guard by that comment from left field.
During the weekend (and 2-3 weeks ago) I shared with W that I had to work late at the office on Monday. Then on Monday, yesterday, when I reminded W re: my work schedule she said “I don’t care what you do just tell me so I can arrange my schedule”. Why make comments like that; it’s unnecessary. Let’s not forget a few weeks ago she went out without telling anyone (when I putting kids to bed).
No idea what W is thinking.. she opened her own bank account.. friendly over the weekend.. but turned sarcastic.. I believe DD suggest I leave her along (but be friendly and upbeat around W). I hate this situation I am in and wish it would just go away!
I suppose we could split our family time (ie. 1-on-1 such as 1 kid to 1 parent).
Not sure what I can do to make the dynamic change. This is where I struggle.
DB suggest that we make small changes (do the things that work). If I take R issues W points out into consideration and work on those it will be viewed as pursuing. However, when I do these small 180s I honestly feel good about myself.
If I work on me (ie. protect myself and kids from WW actions) it comes across as selfish (a core issue W points out as my flaw).
Personal goal is working on me (ie. stop focusing on her A.. this has been a BIG obstacle for me but I am moving in the right direction.. I can feel my confidence slowly returning.. I need to kill it here big time!)
I blew it last night. After putting kids to sleep I walked out to the living room. W tells me she is going out. I was caught off guard and replied where? After I said it I immediately knew I should have not said anything (or something like ok) but it was too late she responded, "it doesn't matter" and that got me thinking crazy thoughts.. who/where/why..
She is DB'ing me! What the heck! She is the one who turned away from the MR and had A. Why is this road so twisted?!?
Journaling. My car is at the repair shop and have a loaner. W asked to take the loaner instead of driving mini van last night. This morning she text asking if I heard back about the status of car repair. She's also shares what she is going to do with kids later today (it's a holiday; kids no school but I had to work); last few days she hasn't shared plans; now today she texting me?
Quit trying to make sense of her actions or thoughts. It is impossible. They won't make sense to anyone but her right now. Try to not have expectations about what she's going to do, then you won't sit around wondering why she did it. Stick to the basics - short discussions about kids only are fine. Respond if necessary, but otherwise ignore. And yeah, don't ask about her personal plans anymore. It was a slip-up, but you recognize it so know better for next time.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Agree with dwh15. If like most around here, your W will cycle around emotions and behavior which does not make any sense and will drive you nuts if you try to analyze.
As DB'ing is a process, don't fret the slip ups as they will happen occasionally (heck we're all human). As mentioned previously, learn from it and move forward.
M: 33 W: 30 T: 14 M: 9 S2 BD: May/2015 (w moves into spare bedroom one week later) EA / PA (discovered): June/2015 W moves out (living with OM): Sep/2015
