Wow! I have found some excellent advise here. Thank you so much to everyone. Sandi's rules are great and wish I would have found them on day one of my WW's PA
So, here's my story. My W grew up in a very hostile home. She was physically, mentally and emotionally abused. I didn't realize the impact this had on our M. I knew my W had a nasty temper but thought if I just "walk on glass" and do everything I can to not piss her off everything will be good. I also thought if she just blew up every once in awhile I could handle it. Well, this didn't work and I couldn't handle it. The blow ups were extreme. She would yell things like "I hate you, I wish you were dead, I wish you would get in the car, drive really fast and smash into a tree" on a regular basis. She has also hit herself, held knives to her throat, wrapped belts and metal hangers around her throat and other "self harming" actions. She regularly repeats the "list of my wrongs". Some of which are things I have done that have hurt her, some are things I did prior to meeting her and some are things that never even happened. I feel as if she has never forgiven me for any of these things even though we have attended counseling specifically working on conflict resolution and forgiveness. Lastly, she would also hit me. Now I'm 6'4", 235lbs and regularly involved in sports and the gym. It took me a long time to acknowledge I'm an abused spouse. Looking back I realize I would let this abuse build up and I've acted out a couple times in the last 6 years. I have not been the perfect husband and I really blew it Aug 2014. On a business trip I got drunk, met 2 people, we went back to my room to continue to drink. I cheated. I did not sleep with her but I was still unfaithful. When I returned home I felt terrible. Within a day I admitted everything and begged for forgiveness. Since then I've been working to win her love, earn her trust and be the best H ever. The abuse has increased and has been more frequent. I tolerated it because I believed it was retribution for what I did and I wanted to allow her to release her anger. I realize now no one deserves to be abused this way. On May 24, 2015 she told me the night before at the bar a guy had tricked her into getting her phone number and he had been sending her nice messages. I told her to tell him to stop and she said she wasn't sure she wanted to. I asked her to tell me if he didn't and I would make sure it stopped. I let the topic go but could tell something wasn't right over the next couple weeks. I confronted her about it on June 12, 2015. She said they were still talking she got mad at me and left. I googled him, found his address then began tracking her phone as I watched her go to his house. She returned in the morning at 5:30 am claiming nothing happened but I didn't believe her. I began snooping her phone and in a short time frame discovered she had slept with him. I confronted her and told her I was willing to work on our M. She denied it. I then spoke with her mother and her mother and I confronted her. I told her I knew the truth and I was still willing to work on our M. She denied it until I showed her the proof. She left the room. I decided I would show her unconditional love and just be the better choice. She kept telling me she wanted to choose me and our M but she needed some space. I refused to leave the house as long as she continued to talk to OM. She eventually told me she would stop talking to him. I agreed to leave the house but I wasn't going to set up something permanent. I left the house and lived with friends for about 3 weeks until I discovered she had been lying and was talking to the OM the whole time. I moved back in still showing her love and I did this for about 6 weeks until I came across this site and a book on "tough love".
Since finding this site and learning about tough love I have been doing pretty good. She noticed the 180's right away and for a couple weeks it was drawing her to me. She would initiate conversations, come to me to hug, tell me she loves me and even scheduled a date for us. However, she continued her A and I caught her in lots of lies.
About 3 weeks ago her first A seemed to fizzle out as she began a new A. She has stopped being drawn to me. I've continued the 180's, and GAL. She does ask questions periodically about what I'm doing or if I'm seeing someone but I have told her if we decide to choose each other we will definitely have these types of conversations.
10 days ago she filed for divorce and asked me to move out again. I told her I was staying but would move to the basement. I told her I do not want a divorce but I do not want a marriage like we had either.
Here's my question- I read Sandi's post describing the WW and it describes my W to a T. If I remember it correctly it said I should be using the "let her go" method and I should have never left the martial bedroom. That I should demand she leaves in order to create loss in her. That she will need to feel significant loss in order to shake her out of her A fog. I have already left the bedroom. I am strongly considering moving back into the bedroom but I know she will explode and she doesn't care when she explodes in front of the kids. She has and will say terrible things to our 4 year old about me in order to hurt me. I don't want to expose our little girl to this. So I guess the questions. Do I 1. just move back into the bedroom and not say anything 2. move in and tell her to sleep somewhere else 3. Tell her prior to bedtime that I'm moving in and she should leave. I don't care where you go but you are not sleeping here 4. move her stuff out and not say anything to her about it?
Lastly, How do I enforce this boundary?
Thanks in advance for the help
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thank you Cadet. I'll be ordering the books today.
all of these links have been very helpful and I initially saw a lot of success with the pursuit/distance strategy. Recently I've upped the pressure here. I've stopped saying goodbye before I leave the house and good night before going to bed. All communication has only been about the kids or finances. I've been going out with friends a couple nights a week and working out at the gym most evenings after work. It has seemed the further I've pulled away the further she pulled away until yesterday.
Yesterday after church I asked one of the prayer partners to pray over our family. I told her the whole story along with the "tough love" strategy I'm using. She agreed with "tough love" and even referenced how we serve a God of "tough love" and how he sent the Israelites into the desert for 70 years. She then said, "However, I am feeling that I'm supposed to tell you to hug her. Do not say anything to her because she will not hear you but give her a hug" I was skeptical.
Well, I did hug her that afternoon. She hugged me back and began crying. Not much was said but we hugged on the bed and looked into each others eyes for 10 minutes or so. I then left the room so she could nap.
Later that night I was on the love seat watching football. She came into the room and just looked at me. I asked her if she would like to sit and watch the game (she's a huge Bronco fan). She sat next to me. Then scooted close, put her head on my chest, arm around me and cried some more for a couple minutes. Nothing was said. She then went to bed.
This morning very little was said. Just conversation about our daughter but her voice and words were very soft and tender. I believe prayer and the initial hug have softened her heart a little.
I'm optimistic but am going to be very careful
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
For the last 3 weeks I've been GAL and have made plans for at least one weekend night and gave her plenty of notice in order to secure my night out. She too has been sure to be away from the house on her weekend night. 2 weekends ago she didn't come home until the morning but this last weekend she was home by 10:15pm. I didn't really expect her to come home and I've been contemplating reclaiming the master bedroom so our 4 year D and I were sleeping in the Master bedroom. She knocked on the door. I let her in. She said "what are you doing?" I said "sleeping" as I headed back to the bed She said "well, will you sleep in the basement?" I said "no" as I climbed back into bed. She said "the boys bed doesn't have sheets on it" I said "neither does the basement bedroom, I'm washing them." She said "Will you sleep in the basement anyway?" I said "no" She asked "why was the door shut and locked" I said " I didn't want you to come in" she quietly left.
I think I did a good job of standing up for myself. Most of our marriage has been me catering to her wants and needs. I'm all done with it.
she just sent me a text that said "If we're doing 1 weekend night free, I would like Saturday this week please" I waited about 30 min and responded "Ok"
She's making plans way in advance this week. Makes me think she's planning a special date with OM. Trying to not worry about it.
I'm meeting with my counselor tonight. He was our marriage counselor prior to her first A. I'm looking forward to his opinion about reclaiming the master bedroom.
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
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Well, I'm not back in the master bedroom yet. My counselor and I decided we probably should wait for tonight to have the conversation. She had a big interview this morning and I didn't want to disrupt her sleep prior to it. Also, my step son's will be there tonight and we thought with more people around she may be less likely to blow a gasket. Unfortunately it's never stopped her in the past. So her reaction could be anywhere from quietly walking away to exploding and becoming very abusive. I do feel I've begun to detach myself enough that her verbal abuse won't have the effect on me it once had. I'm afraid that she will say things to our 4 year old in order to hurt me. I'll be sure to turn the audio recorder on my phone for any conversation. She split our bills a couple weeks ago and she has taken the responsibility of balancing and paying all the family bills from what we determined is the family account. This has historically been my responsibility and I can see it weighing on her. I saw a NSF letter from the bank in the mail this weekend and she insisted on me writing her a check for my half of the bills and then she went to deposit it on Sunday. She also told me this morning that she is tight on money while I had a real estate closing today and I'm getting a nice raise at work on October 1st. I hope she's starting to appreciate all the things I've typically done.
Since the hug on Sunday I've seen her look at me a couple times with a look that says "will you hug me again?" But I have not. When she was about to leave this morning for her interview I told her she looked great and she was going to Wow them. I then took her hands and quickly prayed with her for interview. She thanked me and again gave me the "will you hug me look" but I didn't. I also have not asked her about her interview. It's been hard because I do love her but I feel at this time I'm supposed to be letting her go and using "let her go" techniques which should coincide with telling her tonight that I am moving back into the master bedroom and I would like her to leave. I'm trying not to be anxious about it. I've been praying about it for almost a week and I know God is a God of love and sometimes that love is a tough love and this is what He is directing me to do.
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
And time for another question. W had been seeing her own counselor who was our M counselor several years ago. I know her counselor has recommended for W to see a psychologist for a full evaluation to eliminate the possibility of any underlying issues that may be causing additional tension in our R. W has refused so far. She states that she believes there isn't anything wrong with her. I also know her counselor is doing individual counseling with the goal of R. Both of these things were stated by the counselor in an email to us. She was going once a week but has not gone for the last 2 weeks. My question is......I believe she has not been going because she split our bills and she is struggling financially. If I am using "let her go" and "tough love" techniques would I hurting my strategy by offering to pay for her sessions?
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
First of all, you don't know why she stopped going to therapy. So you're just assuming. If you want to, you can say that you will help pay for therapy as that will lead you towards your goal. But don't mindread.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
thank you MrBond. I think I will offer to help her pay for it but will not give her money directly.
I reclaimed the master bedroom last night. She had a medium sized blow up.
I said " I have been wrestling with and praying about something for the last week. I know how you feel and your opinions but I have feelings and opinions too. Our bedroom is the martial bedroom ( she rolled her eyes). I will be staying in there and I would like you to leave."
She said "you can't just tell me you're going to be staying in MY room"
I said " it is our room, I will be staying there and I'd like you to leave"
She said "No, You can't just tell me to leave"
I said " I'm not negotiating this with you. I'm telling you what I'm going to do"
I then went to the basement bedroom to get my stuff. She followed me down there and said "If this is happening then it's happening tomorrow night and you're washing the sheets." I ignored her and continued to put my things into a basket. She said "you are the worst person I've ever met and I can't wait for this to be over" I said "me too"
I then went to the master bedroom to move back in. She came in the master bedroom, began gathering some of her stuff and told me again I was the worst person she ever met, she hates me and I'm a coward as she walked out of the room. We were standing in the door way. I told her again that I want her to leave as I shut the door and locked it.
She returned again to the master bedroom to gather things. She began to say something about our mediation. I put in my headphones. She said "I'm talking to you" I said "not right now you're not"
It felt really good to stand up to her. She has bullied me our whole marriage. I always told myself I was just getting along with her but now looking back I realize she bullied and manipulated me. She even tried to manipulate the situation last night by telling me it would happen tomorrow and I would wash the sheets. I feel I'm finally regaining myself and becoming the man I once was. One that stands up for myself and doesn't tolerate being disrespected.
I don't want a divorce but I don't want a marriage like a had or wife like she is right now. I want the wife I know she can be and wants to be.
Me 40 WW 41 D 4 S 12 S 14 BD 6.16.2015 W stopped wearing ring 9.4.15 W Filed Divorce 9.14.15 My ring off 11.15.15 D finalized 12.18.15 WXW (wayward X wife) moved out 1.28.16 got her own place
