Thought I would post on piecing hoping it would bring me good luck. A brief description of my sitch: Married 23 years tomorrow is our anniversary. H - 52 Me - 48 2 children - 20 and 17 About 2 1/2 years ago, H started developing relationship with OW. Just a friendship as he called it. But I feel it is definitely an EA. We all work together so this is uncomfortable to say the least. H said he was unhappy in our M. I didn't give him enough attention. Too wrapped up in the kids and my job. H felt very neglected. In some ways he was right. I made some changes in myself and we are doing a little better. Jumping to now: OW still in the picture but not nearly as much. Some R talks but not a lot. H has seemed depressed for a while. Experienced some losses-two close friends passed away within this time. Most recently his mother has been a victim of a violent crime and is currently in ICU making very slow progress. This has just about put him over the edge. I am very worried about him. I sort of put dbing on hold and I'm trying to help him through this. However, he is not talking to me much. Although I have been working on my own PMA and making myself a better person, for now I'm concentrating on being available for him and trying hard to meet his needs at this time. Right now we're under a lot of stress. I feel so bad for him. Lyn
Welcome to piecing, Lyn. I know you've been on the BB a while as I recognize your "handle".
I'm sorry things are soooo incredibly rough for your H (and you) right now. It sounds to me like he's depressed. Could be a brief reactive depression due to these acute stressors, or it could be the more pervasive kind many of our spouses (and some of us) have experienced.
Definitely do check out some of the threads here. Lots of ups and downs, but TONS of inspiration too.
Thanks Shinybear for your thoughts. I agree with you about the depression. But I don't know quite what to do about it. I have been visiting with his Mom in the hospital and trying to be supportive to him. However, he has been really quiet around me. Also, short, distracted and bordering on rude. But when he is with others--very friendly. Helpful to a fault. Almost obsessed with helping others. As if he is in some kind of good samaritan competition. Don't get me wrong. I am also a kind person who likes to be helpful to others but with H it is an obsession. He can spend all day almost every moment he is not at his own job helping others. For instance, he spent about 8 hours one Saturday building a deck for a friend. Came home - mowed the lawn for a neighbor, took out their trash and then did yard work for another neighbor until he dropped dead asleep. No one even asked for this help. But this is what he does all the time. As for us, not much movement one way or the other. Our anniversary was pretty good. he gave me flowers and we went out for dinner. This was a surprise as he had plans to go to a party. He went to the party and came home early to go to dinner. This was nice. So as you can see there are improvements. I am just worried about him because of his stress and he seems to be hurting. Any suggestions? Lyn
Just an update. Mother-in-law is doing better-now in rehab. However, we just received bad news about our dog. She has just been diagnosed with cancer and could go at any time. As a result, H informed me that he may not want to go on the Carribean trip we have planned for next week. Just too much going on. We really need this time away alone. But I understand that it might be hard with his mother. I have arranged for friends to watch the dog.I was so hoping he would go. Hasn't really given me a definite answer. But I did decide that I will go with him or without him. My daughter and her friend are going too so I won't be alone. I guess time will tell. As far as our R-I don't know. I feel like we're in limbo. Making no movement at all. But at least I don't feel like we're going backwards. My next goal is to spend more time together in friendly conversation. This seems almost impossible to accomplish. Lyn
Glad to hear about H's Mother, but sorry to hear about your dog...
Definately a lot going on in your lives right now - DBing has had to take a backseat. Or has it? During these times of stress, we can show our true nature - our best side, so perhaps you've been doing some surreptitious DBing? Anyway, you've been supportive and "there", and that says a lot about you.
It's great that you will still go on your trip even if H can't go. You need a break. And your goal isn't impossible - if you consider your baby steps along the way. You've offered your help, your time and your support, and presumably have had some friendly or at least polite interactions with H?
These are to be built upon, but for now, take your break and clear your head a little, and you'll gain new perspective and new strength
Thinking of you and your loved ones Mel
It's time to live, it's time to love, it's time to do what's afraid of
It's time to breathe, time to relieve, it's time to shine
HU, Lyn..welcome...our sitch's are very similar..my h moved out tho, last Nov..it has been the best thing that has happened..I know that sounds strange to say..but we were going to go nowhere with him still here..he felt like he needed the spacvce alone...to find himself..ff involved..but she found new man that was not married, but my h and she are still firends..work together..your family has had alot going on, in a stable m, those things can be stressful let alone a shaky m.Keep taking care of you, I learned that early although I was so hurting that he moved and would forget me, us..he has not..he is coming around slowly..changes in yourself affect the whole r and it makes you feel good too.
