Need advice for a WW who left Part 4

[ATPeace]

^^^^ that fills me with hope

[dwh15]

Was it mentioned that you're not allowed to participate? Of course not.

I was just wondering that since you have a negative view on how M's turn out here, why are you on a M saving website? I can tell you that even after a D, people have come back on here to say that they've reconciled.

That's up to you.

I wouldn't say I am being negative. More like realistic. I'm all for happy endings, and encourage everyone to keep trying as long as they can. But the statistical reality is that MOST marriages that end up in this kind of shape are most likely over, my own included.

That doesn't mean I don't hope for a miracle in my own case, or in others. I'm here because I've been around for months, have gotten a ton of great advice, and now I'm to the point I enjoy giving back to new members on the site.

Yes, there are a few who are able to R after D. It's fantastic when it happens, and an inspiration to us all. I just don't think it's healthy to give new people the wrong impression. Odds are long and it's a long, uphill battle. I've mostly given up the ghost in my case, but plan on sticking around because I enjoy the site, and love hearing about people who are able to pull the proverbial needle out of the haystack.

[MrBond]

"I wouldn't say I am being negative. More like realistic. I'm all for happy endings, and encourage everyone to keep trying as long as they can. But the statistical reality is that MOST marriages that end up in this kind of shape are most likely over, my own included."

Sorry but it sounds pretty negative to me. Hard to help others when you have the preconceived idea that more than likely their M will fail.

[dwh15]

"I wouldn't say I am being negative. More like realistic. I'm all for happy endings, and encourage everyone to keep trying as long as they can. But the statistical reality is that MOST marriages that end up in this kind of shape are most likely over, my own included."

Sorry but it sounds pretty negative to me. Hard to help others when you have the preconceived idea that more than likely their M will fail.

OK Bond, let's just agree to disagree. This is my thread and I'll gladly post my own opinions. If you don't agree, that's fine but please refrain from further discussion on this topic in my thread. I will not be replying to it again.

[Vapo]

DW,

easy there big fella. I am sure Mr. Bond did not irk you on purpose.

It is more of a perception type of thing. Have you heard of the law of attraction?

And also it a fact that when you are sure of something, you are also sending hundreds of signals (subconscious ones). So when you are doing something, then go for it 110%...

[MrBond]

"It is more of a perception type of thing."

"And also it a fact that when you are sure of something, you are also sending hundreds of signals (subconscious ones). So when you are doing something, then go for it 110%..."

Exactly.

[dwh15]

WW sent me a TM this morning asking if I had heard anything back from my attorney about the temp support order. Recall that the spousal support number came back really high, with the child support she owes me being very low, in spite of the fact I have all 3 minor children around 95% of the time. I initially ignored her, but then she asked again so I replied that my attorney had suggested I object, based on some numbers not being correctly calculated.

Of course, WW was not happy to hear this, since she was very happy with those initial dollar amounts. It would allow her to only have to work a couple of days/week and live off my support for the rest. So the TMs start flying talking about how little money she makes, how we had initially agreed on a certain amount (not true), and how I was trying to make sure she got nothing. I didn't bother replying to any of it, and she finally stopped.

Her sense of entitlement is truly staggering. She expects that 18 years of M gives her the right to collect a monthly paycheck from me for the next 7 years. Forget the fact that I fully supported her for the entire M and she rarely had to work a job at all. Yes, she took care of the kids when they were babies, but she also checked out of the M almost 5 years ago and was gone so often that I became the primary caregiver, while she was out living up the single girl lifestyle and hooking up with a series of OM. I have no sympathy at all and will be fighting to keep every dime I can in my own account. If WW would simply get a new job, or even pick up a 2nd PT job, she wouldn't have financial issues, but she prefers to work the bare min, and then complain about what a victim she is to anyone who will listen, and of course it's all my fault.

That sort of attitude has helped me detach from WW, and I've lost any interest in even talking to her lately. I still love her but don't like who she has become. But I'm doing really well overall, so looking forward to a bright future, and getting all the D proceedings behind me.

[Vanilla]

Just say " I am taking the advice of my L"

Leave it at that.

What the position was in your M was the choice then. If your boundary was breached then was the time to tackle it. Now is a different issue, things should be fair now. You can't seek to equalise the past, it was that which it was.

Seek fairness today, as I know you will.

V

[dwh15]

Haven't posted in a while, mainly due to just being busy, so quick update. Nothing new on the D front. My lawyer filed an objection to the initial recommendation for child/spousal support, because it appears to have been incorrectly calculated to some extent, resulting in a larger payment from me. Filed the objection a week ago and still haven't heard anything about a followup hearing.

I don't see or talk with WW much at all anymore. Usually text at least every other day about kids, but always brief and to the point. We spent an hour together last Saturday at a hockey game for my youngest, and while it was pleasant and we did some catching up, I felt pretty down the whole next day, so decided I need to avoid WW at future games, which happen weekly. I'll probably choose to just sit somewhere else next time. Thought I was ready and could handle a conversation, but still not emotionally there.

Otherwise, life has settled down overall, I'm doing pretty well and kids seem to have adjusted for the most part. I still plan on getting all my boys into therapy soon, since I believe they will all need some help to move on from this, but in day to day stuff, they seem fine.

I've been talking with a woman, also going through her own D, and also with sole custody of 4 kids. We get along really well, and have decided we both are just looking for friends right now, and then see where it goes. She's been really good for my mood, and has helped me through a couple of rough nights where I was feeling lonely. We've both been totally honest about where we are at emotionally and what we are looking for, so I think the relationship will be good for us, even if it's just friends. If I feel she's getting too attached or expecting more, then I'll have to back off, as I know I am not ready. But so far, so good.

[sandi2]

Good to hear you doing well.