I find myself back on this board after a few years away!
Very briefly my sitch: in a very serious relationship with girlfriend for 15 months, lived together planning to get married, try for a family etc. I have a 10 year old daughter from previous marriage. Ex gf has no kids and hadn't had experience of dealing with a bf with a child 'til me.
My ex bought a house in the summer and the plan was for me to move in with her. My daughter's resistance to the move caused me to move slower than my ex wished. My ex convinced herself I was never going to move and wasn't even in love with her and so ended things!
I believe my ex has abandonment/attachment issues. Very unorthodox upbringing: mostly absent father, mother married 5 times, mother killed herself 4 years ago and blamed my ex for doing so in her suicide note. These insecurities let her to flee I believe.
Having practiced DBing before, I was aware of the things to do/not do. Our breakup has been "good" in the sense that it was amicable and respectful chats were had. I haven't begged and pleaded and have validated her decisions.
I have been practicing unconditional love with no expectations towards her. I know she still loves me and is at least ambivalent about ending our relationship. she and I recognize that she has work to do to heal herself and become more relationship aware, particularly in a blended family context.
So right now, I'm trying to detach, give her loving space and try just to be a supportive, caring friend to her. I'm not initiating any contact with her. Generally, when I pull back, she'll come forward and vice versa.
I've read lots of great stuff on these boards but would appreciate any comments, insights or advice that anyone could throw my way.
Thanks for your time and care:)
Me - LBS 47yrs old Her - WAW 34yrs old DD - 10yrs old Together - 15 months Bomb - 28/07/15 "I still love you but can't deal with situation"
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks for your reply:) I have been looking in the mirror very hard, I know I had my part to play in this as well and doing my best to understand and overcome my contributions to the relationship's demise.
I know I have a tendency to withdraw from difficult situations and, I think, a little too indirect or passive aggressive even in dealing with conflict. I need to learn how to listen and talk better I think. I tend also to get a bit too defensive when feeling "attacked". I know I need to work on these things.
In the meantime, I am giving my ex loving distance and validating her whenever possible. I have made it clear I want to support her as much as I can and in so much as she will allow. I also made it clear I would like to work on the relationship but have not repeated this again. Less words, more actions I feel are appropriate.
Thanks again Cadet, bye, Scotsman
Me - LBS 47yrs old Her - WAW 34yrs old DD - 10yrs old Together - 15 months Bomb - 28/07/15 "I still love you but can't deal with situation"
Gosh - that sounds like a super hard conversation. I agree with Cadet that looking at yourself might be key - but it sounds like your partner has a lot of issues that you can't fix for her. Do you think there might have been something in the way that you act with her (other than the delay over moving in with her - I mean general day to day interaction) that might remind her of previous bad experiences?
It is a huge and tricky thing to want to be available and committed to someone and to demonstrate that in a loving way, and also not to take on the burden of fixing their issues or of filling a bottomless well of insecurity that you can't do.
I think it's right that you're putting yourself and your daughter first right now.
Thanks for your reply! I think you are right - in my moving slowly towards moving in with her (mixed messages in her view), I reminded her of key people in her past who have let her down. In order to save herself further pain/disappointment, she ended things. I think up to the point of break up, I had felt more emotionally distant towards her, due to the challenges of the move and concerns for my daughter...this would have supported her view that I was falling out of love with her, and considering leaving her.
I understand also much of this has nothing to do with me - and I am glad that she acknowledges she needs to fix some things within herself in terms of her family experience. I feel therefore, giving her the space to do this but be there as a loving supportive friend, if required, is the best way forward for now. My sense that part of her motivation for doing this work is to reconcile. I think she still loves me and see me as the guy for her, and understands our break up was do with our situation, rather than changing feelings between us as such.
Thanks so much Jenny! I see you're in Scotland? I was born in Inverness, lived in Edinburgh but have been in Canada 14 years.
Me - LBS 47yrs old Her - WAW 34yrs old DD - 10yrs old Together - 15 months Bomb - 28/07/15 "I still love you but can't deal with situation"
Just a little update on my sitch - my ex wanted to visit with me last Tuesday. We chatted for about 1.5 hrs. She brought up some R talk, seemed very interested to know "where I was at", also was concerned for my wellbeing as she's aware she's "being doing nothing for our relationship" whereas I'd been doing "lots". She was also keen to share with me the work she has been doing to address her issues regarding her mother's suicide. Pleased to hear this. A very nice visit and then no contact 'til last Saturday when I received a Facebook message from her. She was very upset to discover I'd unfriended her on Facebook (I did this 2 months ago, the day after the breakup). She said she felt rejected and she would "try and get over it". The rejection comment was ironic to me, given the situation. I told her I was sorry she felt that way and expressed surprise that she was so affected by it. She wanted to meet me face to face to "chat about it all" and invited me to her house the next day.
The next day went great (although no chat about the Facebook??), got there about 2:30, we swam together and I played some guitar on the dock by the lake ( she always loved my playing and she was eyes closed with serenity while I played). She asked me to teach her how to make curry and we had a lovely joint cooking session. She said I was welcome to stay the night, which I did, separate beds of course! Before bed we went for a nice walk - just nice chat, nothing heavy.
The next morning, she came through with a cup of coffee and she sat on the futon, where I slept, and had a good chat, then I left for work. Three days, haven't heard from her since and I'm not initiating contact for the moment.
All in all, I think she's interested but cautious, she said to me on Saturday she was "still working out how vulnerable to be with me".
I think I have done a good job of loving detachment, being kind and calm around her, no R talk on my part and supporting her healing journey.
Think I will continue to back off and only respond to her contacts and see where things go.
The only thing, for now I think I will modify, is not to be so transparent about my feelings when she asks, as this feels rather one sided, as she's "not there" at the moment. The fact she wants to know this seems to tell me the door is still open for her.
Any thoughts/comments/advice welcome!
Thanks for stopping by:)
Me - LBS 47yrs old Her - WAW 34yrs old DD - 10yrs old Together - 15 months Bomb - 28/07/15 "I still love you but can't deal with situation"
thanks for your reply. I definitely agree she doesn't seem to want to let me go, at least for now.
when you say "plan B", do you mean there may be another guy in the picture?
What do I want? I would like to reconcile with her, but in an improved relationship. If she doesn't want to, then I would cut all ties and move on.
Do you think I should be much more unavailable? Not "visit" with her when she ask? Basically totally remove myself from the scene until/unless she's will to recommit? I sometimes feel a little like she's cake eating.
Thanks again for your help Cadet:)
Me - LBS 47yrs old Her - WAW 34yrs old DD - 10yrs old Together - 15 months Bomb - 28/07/15 "I still love you but can't deal with situation"
when you say "plan B", do you mean there may be another guy in the picture?
There might be-there might not be, however you are not Plan A right now - right?
If there is someone else does that change what you want?
Originally Posted By: Scotsman
What do I want? I would like to reconcile with her, but in an improved relationship. If she doesn't want to, then I would cut all ties and move on.
My guess is that you won't find out the answer to this question until long after you were planning on getting the answer.
Originally Posted By: Scotsman
Do you think I should be much more unavailable? Not "visit" with her when she ask? Basically totally remove myself from the scene until/unless she's will to recommit? I sometimes feel a little like she's cake eating.
I would keep living your life to the fullest and take your eyes off of her and place them squarely on YOU. Nothing you do or don't do is going to snap her out of this. She has to do that on her own.
