I will say good morning, ask him if he slept well. I will greet him when coming into the house and say goodbye when I am leaving. I will ask him if there's things he needs when I go out. I'll smile and make eye contact while these things happen.
I will appreciate something he does for me and our family two times per day (very easy thing for me to do - because he does a lot. I do generally thank him for cooking, etc, but I could do it more lavishly. Instead of 'thanks for tea,' I can say, 'I really appreciate you cooking for us all especially after you've been on your feet painting the house all day.' That kind of thing.
Not pursuing. Well - I was in the habit of saying, 'what are your plans for today?' or 'what do you want to do tonight?' which he knew full well was a coded way of me saying, 'please spend time with me. Please tell me you want to do something with me tonight.' So I have stopped doing that entirely. I will not initiate conversations with him if he's wearing his headphones or playing his computer games. I will not interrupt him when he's playing his guitar. I won't ask him to do things for me that I can really easily to myself (like petrol in the car. I don't need him to put petrol in my car - I just wanted him to do something nice to take care of me.)
I was out with a friend tonight. I got home in good spirits and was friendly to DH. He asked me how she was, and I said she seemed really happy and full of plans. He said, 'sure, she's divorced.'
My little goal for tonight is to not let that crush me.
Feeling better this morning, though realising that I am in this for the long haul.
I think I've been secretly thinking that if I drop the rope and leave him alone he will come to his senses - he'll miss me, or worry that I am going to leave, or just remember that he loves me. I've been waiting, I think, for him to snap out of it.
But no signs of that. He just actually isn't interested.
Hi SJ, long haul is right. Being patient, shifting your focus onto you, letting time pass and things unfold are central to this process.
As you say, it is important to let go of that thought - if I do this, he will do that. Although it is true that you have some influence over the outcome of your sitch through DBing, it tends to work at a much more subtle and deeper level and it all takes time.
For example, I thought at quite an early stage I had dropped the rope. It was the title of my first thread and it was a few months after BD. Now I had changed my approach and stopped initiating contact with H. However, internally I was desperate for things to work out for us. It normally takes a good while to get to the - 'truly I will be fine either way' place. And I think things get subtly communicated to our S's the whole way through.
The other thing is that events need to unfold from their end too. If there is OP involved, that needs to slowly disintegrate (which most but not all A's do) but that takes time too.
Your H may seem absolutely uninterested for some time to come and this is where being more detached really helps. You can see him more as a third party would than as a hurt spouse.
But it is all a work in progess and the main thing is to have faith and an overall good direction of travel yourself.
Good luck with things xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I know it's not going to change overnight. But I guess I need to see some effort from him - some indication that he actually likes me and wants our marriage to work - sooner rather than later. And I don't, in my heart of hearts, think it is going to happen.
"I know it's not going to change overnight. But I guess I need to see some effort from him - some indication that he actually likes me and wants our marriage to work - sooner rather than later. And I don't, in my heart of hearts, think it is going to happen."
Posters often say that if you write a BUT, then everything before the but is invalidated by everything that comes after the but. What worries me in your comments above is that you may well not see any effort from him or any indication that he likes you or wants your M to work. At least in the short term anyway. What will you do then?
It strikes me that you haven't been DBing for long. A short stint in 2013, then you tapered off quickly without really progressing on significant areas of concern like alcohol use. Then you are back again in 2015, around for a short time, but throwing out signs that you may be ready to give up. I'm not meaning to sound harsh, but I think turning around things in a M that goes off course is a little like turning around an ocean liner. It does take time.
Have a I missed out on an end of the month deadline? You rejoined us in August and will give things until end September? That isn't long at all. If you truly want to try and save your M (which I presume you do as you're here) I think you would need to dig in for a truly concerted effort for many months. I know that must sound hard as you have been at this for some time - but not truly DBing from what you post.
Have you re-read the book cover to cover with a pencil in hand? I think there will be a lot in there to help you, particularly as you and your H are together. It sounds as though re-introducing that warmth is a big area for you and there is a theme of resentment on your part I think - 'I'm not getting my needs met and I need to do so soon.' Pre-WAW talk I think. But I also think if you can slow down and recognise that to get your needs met in the longer term, you may need to put them second for now, that may be a good plan.
When your R was warm and affectionate in the early days, what did you do with each other that was different? What has your own resentment built up about and how has this manifested in your R? Can you change that pattern? Have you fully dealt with your own use of alcohol, anger and mental health issues? Resentment about money? I think there is a lot in your sitch to go at - which may sound bad, but I think is a good thing because progress can be made.
Also, the whole teatowel/food in the drainer resonates with me. I was the 'tidy one' and H/SS less so. Whilst not having OCD, it did used to get to me when things weren't done as I wanted them to be. I also have a friend who recently D. Her H had some anger issues and was pretty critical of her housekeeping (she isn't the world's best housekeeper....but a lovely person...) She doesn't miss his scathing comments about this and that. I'm not sure what I can offer you here - but I think a different response is going to help. I just don't know what it is. Humour?
Despite how you feel just now, I would encourage you to stick with us. You have two lovely children together and divorce isn't a great outcome for anyone in your family if it can be avoided.
Hope this helps and good luck (I'm a fellow Brit by the way :))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Posters often say that if you write a BUT, then everything before the but is invalidated by everything that comes after the but. What worries me in your comments above is that you may well not see any effort from him or any indication that he likes you or wants your M to work. At least in the short term anyway. What will you do then?
Well, our house is going up for sale. I don't feel okay about getting another mortgage with him or continuing to financially support him while it is clear that he's not in the relationship. He's in the house, sure, but we're only housemates and I think he's getting his cake and eating it. So I will split the equity with him and find a place for me and the children without him.
Originally Posted By: Sotto
Have a I missed out on an end of the month deadline? You rejoined us in August and will give things until end September? That isn't long at all. If you truly want to try and save your M (which I presume you do as you're here) I think you would need to dig in for a truly concerted effort for many months. I know that must sound hard as you have been at this for some time - but not truly DBing from what you post.
You're right - that isn't long at all. I want to carry on what I am doing for a month and see if there are any changes. If not, I'll need to try something else. If nothing changes by the time our house sells, I am going to initiate a separation but not give up on the relationship.
Originally Posted By: Sotto
Have you re-read the book cover to cover with a pencil in hand? I think there will be a lot in there to help you, particularly as you and your H are together. It sounds as though re-introducing that warmth is a big area for you and there is a theme of resentment on your part I think - 'I'm not getting my needs met and I need to do so soon.' Pre-WAW talk I think. But I also think if you can slow down and recognise that to get your needs met in the longer term, you may need to put them second for now, that may be a good plan.
I'm rereading the book now. I think our situation is slightly different, in that he's not actually DBed and I'm considering doing it, but he has pretty much checked out of the marriage so I feel like a LBW and a WAW all in one. My needs are coming second now, and have been for a couple of years. If what I am going works to make changes, then I can be patient. But I do need to see changes.
Originally Posted By: Sotto
When your R was warm and affectionate in the early days, what did you do with each other that was different? What has your own resentment built up about and how has this manifested in your R? Can you change that pattern?
Well, as I said, I've always been the pursuer. He was warmer and more affectionate but always used withdrawal as a way to get my behaviour in line. And yes - loads of resentment has built up in me about that. It manifested in really awful ways - like stepping up the pursuing, initiating R talk, not respecting his boundaries when he wanted to stop the conversation, etc. I've stopped all that and haven't done any of those behaviours for a couple of years. Since I came back here in August I've also stopped all over kinds of pursuing behaviours - and that seems to be throwing him a bit.[/quote]
Originally Posted By: Sotto
Have you fully dealt with your own use of alcohol, anger and mental health issues? Resentment about money?
I believe I've made loads of progress in that area - but I don't think I can sit back and say 'I'm cured' and there's nothing left to work on. I'm no longer using alcohol to deal with anxiety, stress or depression. I drink socially at the weekend now and again. For the PTSD I took medication for eighteen months, saw an individual therapist, took up meditation and walking. I still do the meditation, walking, and knitting (it sounds weird, but it really does help with anxiety!) After my symptoms had stabilised and I realised what damage the way I'd behaved during my illness had done to my married, I initiated MC - we attended together for about six months.
Resentment about money - a big thing for me. I love my work and he's a fantastic dad. But the kids are at school now, and it feels to me like he wants to have the benefits of being my husband without acting like one. One of the reasons why I think a physical separation and separate finances for a while might actually help. I'm not entirely convinced he's living here with me because he wants to - only because he doesn't have the resources to go elsewhere.
Originally Posted By: Sotto
Humour?
This is a great idea. He was moaning this afternoon about something not being put back in the cupboard properly. I don't remember touching it. He was gearing up for an argument and I said, 'maybe we should call the police. It seems we've had someone break in during the night to rearrange your cupboards.' I will be honest, I meant it half-sarcastically, but my tone was pleasant enough for him to take it as a joke and we laughed together about it.
Thanks for your replies, Sotto. Given me loads of things to think about.
I've had a good day. A meeting for a project which went much better than I thought it would. Also telephoned a couple of estate agents who will come round to value the house later this week. All positive.
Had some time on the train today to read DR and reflect a bit in my journal. I am SO TIRED of this. Tired of myself, more than him.
I'm being warm and cordial and showing appreciation. I guess when I get out of the way and stop chasing him it forces both of us to see how cool the relationship is. If he wants to talk, or to woo me (!!!) he's going to have to come to the party. If he wants to but he resents me, or he's angry, or scared, or something else, me staying out of the way means he's got to wrestle with that on his own, without me rescuing him and removing the pressure by swooping in and chasing him.
But mainly, this isn't for him, it is for me. If I really think he's just with me for the pay cheque, what am I still doing here? If I really want to be 'chosen' - then why have I been doing all the running?
I feel calm and centred today. I have a lot to think about. More of this is to do with me, what I want and what my boundaries are.
I can see he's noticed there's a change in me. He's being very ginger - as if he thinks I am angry with him, or he expects that I will be angry because it's been weeks since we did anything together and I'd normally be chasing him now. This is a 180 and I think it's confusing him. If I stay calm and cordial he can't tell himself that I'm angry or sulking or unpleasant and that is why he's avoiding me.
Anyway - just journaling for now.
Do you think it is a good idea for me to tell him I am considering a separation once we get the house sold? It could be months and months away, it could happen in six weeks (unlikely but possible).
Part of me thinks - he's here. He knows the state the relationship is in. If he wanted an R talk, he'd initiate one. Part of me thinks it is unfair to give myself these mental deadlines without including him on that. Part of me thinks that if I said to him, 'I'm thinking of leaving, things need to change,' it would be a way of trying to control his behaviour. I am totally done with controlling him. I want him to choose me freely because he wants me. For that to happen, I feel like I have to let him go totally and get out of the way.
