Zues, I am interested in your response and taking comfort in it. Honestly? I DON'T want to kick him out. I have this gut feeling - and I may live to eat these words - that given enough time and the right kind of space/treatment, he is slowly but surely going to work his way through this mess and decide our marriage is indeed worth fighting to save.
I just need some kind of Rules of Conduct in getting through the day to day. If I don't need to make any kind of move or decision right now, how do I act? Do I disengage, do the things that were listed like basically be separated while living together? Do I simply ignore when I realize he's probably texting her?
I am fully on board with acting as if I'm moving on, because in all honesty that's what I'm trying to do. I immediately looked up some groups to join and went out to see a lecture on Mozart the other night - something out of character for me to do, yet still "me" (I am into music).
I just don't know how to act toward HIM when he's not being a jerk, and he's genuinely trying to figure out how he feels about things. He has gone so far as to take core values questionnaires, to read books and spend several hours contemplating and completing the exercises inside them, seeking therapy.
In short, I know he is trying. Really trying. He does love me, and he is pouring his very heart and soul into understanding how he has come to do what he's done and what that means - does it mean he wants out of the marriage? Does it mean we can fix things? Could he finally have found happiness with someone new? These are all things he is really wrestling with. As much anguish as it is causing me, I know it is very real to him. I think he really wants to believe in our marriage but he is afraid that if he recommits, that in a few years' time we will find ourselves back in the same place if he doesn't fully understand why he isn't happy.
How do I give him the room to sort this out and still keep my dignity?
Lisa- Like others here - I just have a quick minute - but boy, do parts of your story sound familiar, right down to his responding. "No. I don't know" when you asked if he was leaving. I got the exact same words.
As to this....
Originally Posted By: Lisa65
What am I to do with that? Just allow my husband to date while he figures things out?
I agree with the posters who are advising you that you don't need to make any decisions right now - however I would emphasize to you (and you should emphasize to your husband) that it is you who has some hard thinking to do.
You are reeling right now - your world has fallen apart. You need to take some time and decide what you are willing to tolerate. Everyone on this board has an interest in saving their marriage and that is commendable. However - your husband has had multiple dalliances throughout your married life and now one of them has cost him his livelihood and put your family in a precarious situation. That's a lot.
You say you think your marriage is salvageable. That's great. Truly. But he's not in the same place that you are right now. And right now, you need to focus on what is best for you and for your children.
I always advise people in your situation to at least seek legal counsel to make sure they are protected. Right now, your husband is dishonest and does not have your best interests at heart.
You need to GAL. I lived through this for the last year. the first 3-4 months were killer. All the vets around here kept telling me to GAL. You need to move on and start doing activities not sure if you said you had kids but if you do start doing things with them. Join a bookclub and give H the responsibility of taking care of them. Pick up a yoga class, join a gym.
Fake it until you make it. Let him know you are moving on with your life while he tries to figure his out. yes this is very hard trust me it took me until now to figure it out. We are in the process of a D unfortunately we aren't able to divorce bust but being here I learned to GAL and it is the best thing I ever did. I had to try hard. I started hanging out with my family members and making myself go to food fairs and vintage fairs etc with friends. I joined Facebook and reconnected with some old friends to keep my mind busy at night so I didn't sit and spin.
Get yourself back the one he fell he love with. It sounds like maybe you were independent but fell into the parent/marriage trap and lost yourself. I did the same thing but guess what the old me was there and now I am not a doormat waiting on him.
I kept asking my husband for space and time to wrap my mind around all the changes...he honored neither request. I decided I just couldn't deal with not being able to have time to grieve or move on, and the shocks just kept coming....not just one OW, but several!
I finally lost it last night and yelled at him, I admit to some name calling. He finally left me alone. Today, I decide I'm no longer going to be a doormat. I have no interest in letting him walk all over me while he actively pursues his new life. Told him I was moving his things out of the master bedroom. That is when I got the short but sweet "I'm gone" text. 20 years, just like that.
I've been crying a lot today - but at least I finally have privacy to do it in. He may not be back....I decided that I will handle that. Much better than the emotional torture he's been putting me through.
This is your choice, but if you think you will be just fine with or without him, tell him you have no interest in being in an open marriage. Make him decide. Best advice I got. :-)
I don't have an issue with setting a boundary such as wanting some privacy and not wanting to share a bed if he's refusing to end an A. Still, the idea of 'making him decide' doesn't seem to fit DB principles.
While it can feel good to go from victim to 'empowered' while listening to 'I'm a survivor' on the ipod, and it can feel better to be taking bold action rather than just being trodden on, and it can feel better to be raging and vengeful than hurt and timid...the satisfaction of delivering that ultimatum is short lived. The consequences of a lost M take many years to recover from. Whether you ended with rage, or with tears, or both.
While nothing can eliminate the pain, it does help to be able to look back at your behavior during the breakdown and know that you acted consistently with your core beliefs. My belief is that M is forever, that it is through better or for worse, and that regardless of your spouse's behavior you have to do your half the way God wants you to. My behavior towards STBX has changed quite a bit over the last year based on the reality of the decisions she's made, but I at least know that I did my best to follow the road that I felt was the best for my family. All of the big decisions I made were after prayer, reflection, posting, and guidance from my DB Coach, IC, and L. I don't know that I'd want to live with the guilt or regret from taking things into my own hands.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zeus, you are so right! I should not have shared that thought. I didn't intend to force my husband to leave, I just needed him to leave me alone and give me some space....he refused to do it. I thought it would help if I moved his things out of our room, so he couldn't constantly come in and badger me. I don't know what he thought, he wasn't sleeping here anyways, but I never intended to get the response I did. I seem to be dealing with a teenager.
I would give anything to have him here right now...ignoring me....but at least here.
I need to retract the statement, "make him decide." BAD IDEA!!!! BAD. BAD. Time is a great gift.
I am already thankful for this new lifeline. I have a feeling it will be the only thread holding me to some sanity in the long days/weeks/months to come.
As usual, I dared to hope too soon regarding my husband's text. It's been well over an hour since he declared he was "wrapping up soon" with his friend. I am back to guessing that the next text I get will be him solemnly and flatly telling me that he is meeting with the OW after all. I don't know that, of course, but I know the pattern.
And that will be despite the fact that he knows I was making homemade pizza tonight, and despite the fact that it is the anniversary of 9/11 which is a very emotional day for me (he worked in the WTC and was lucky enough to have been on a different floor that day, although for half the day I thought he was gone). He will be flatly apologetic, but resolute in his decision nonetheless.
And once again, I won't know what my response should be - even by text. With my son here at home, I can't even fake a night of going out on the town. After feeling rather upbeat for most of today, I once again feel the walls closing in. Evenings are the worst time for me.
maybe the idea of boundaries will be useful to you.
He's going to do whatever he's going to do. He'll see the OW if he wants to. He'll come back exactly when he decides to.
All you can control is your own behaviour, and your responses to his.
A boundary in this situation might look something like this:
'I don't live in an open marriage. I don't have intimate contact or sleep alongside someone who is in a relationship with someone else.'
'I don't act like a wife to someone who has a girlfriend. That means no family dinners, no shared finances (or whatever it means for you).'
Boundaries are about you - protecting yourself, regulating your own behaviour. They're not about him. If he decides to continue his affair, and the consequences of that upset your son - he's doing that, not you. It might get ugly. I don't think you're going to get through this without your son knowing that something is wrong.
Last night, although he he told me the night before that he "had no plans" to meet the OW after his appointments for the day, and although he knew I thought he planned to be home with us, he went ahead and met up with the girlfriend anyway. This time was slightly different, in that usually he would send me a stilted, guilty text that he was going to meet up with her, but would qualify it by saying it would just be drinks with her and her friend, or something. And then later, he would guiltily text to say he was on his way to train station at like 10:45 or something.
This time, he said nothing. He merely told me at one point he was "wrapping up" with the last appointment with his friend, then radio silence. Even though I knew I shouldn't have, about an hour and a half later I texted him "still wrapping up?" Maybe half an hour later, he texted "I left Cheryl, Lisa" (Cheryl being the platonic friend he'd met with last). Meaning, I'm no longer doing just what I was supposed to and have elected to meet the OW anyway.
All I replied was that's fine, just didn't know how many pizzas to make but I'd figured it out. He didn't text me again. We have had some conversations about him at least not going totally silent on me even when he's with her, because sometimes there are things I need to know. Last night he was back to complete silence. By 12:30 am I still hadn't heard anything and I (probably stupidly) texted him to ask if he'd be coming home so I knew whether or not to lock the doors. He never answered. The latest he'd ever gone without texting me that he was on his way home was about 11:00, and one time not until 11:45.
He never did text. Although I heard him come home just a little bit before 1:00 am.
I am very guilty of trying desperately to read between the lines with him and figure out what he's thinking by watching his every move and trying to decipher his every word. I've learned that more than half the time, I'm wrong. So I keep telling myself not to do that anymore. Nevertheless, I can't help but feel that he intentionally behaved even worse than usual last night in an effort to force something to a head - to show me by his actions something that he can't bring himself to say: that's he's made his decision and it's her.
This, after us having gone to our first marriage counseling session the day before, and after him coming to a supposed tearful breakthrough the day before THAT - both with me and then to his therapist - that yes, he still really and truly believes that there is a lot left of our marriage and that it's worth fighting for.
It's as though he took all those things and willfully trashed them by going and spending the night with the OW. And I don't know what that means. Does it mean he's chosen her? Does it mean he's scared at the idea of trying with us again because he knows it means he'll have to end things with her and thus cut off this fantasy of his that there could be a better, more appealing path for his future?
I don't know how to act now. I tried to act as opposite as I could to how he would imagine me reacting. When he got home last night, he texted me from downstairs saying "I'm home, just to let you know." I just answered back lightly "Okay thanks, did you have a nice night?" He answered "Yes. I'll sleep on the couch." I answered "Okay, suit yourself. Good night." He immediately answered "Do you really want me to come up there?" I said "It's up to you, it's just sleep." He said, "Okay, I'll come up." And a few minutes later, he did. I had already been nearly asleep so lights were off. When he came in, I just said a light "Hi" and laid back down to fall asleep. We didn't talk.
This morning I got up early and am downstairs taking care of a few things and then will go work out in the basement. This is all very unlike my usual me. I am trying to act "as if" something, but what I don't know. I'm just trying to be different, for my own sake. But I don't know what I'm doing. Frankly, I don't WANT to talk to him about our relationship anymore, because first I don't want to hear about last night because he will tell me that he's come to some kind of decision, and two, I never believe him anymore anyway. His pendulum swings back and forth like a grandfather clock. He gets this way every time he sees her - like he has had the addiction fix spoken of in the Wandering Wife thread.
Now it's the weekend, and "typically" he will probably be home for much of it, which means he may get swayed back to thinking about his family and me. Although I don't know, he may believe he's made his big decision, so maybe he'll leave this weekend, I don't know.
Lisa - Not trying to be snide, but you know he's out until 1 with OW and then you want him to come to bed with you?
In my opinion, as long as you are in exactly the same place when he left you, there's no incentive for him to cut this off. He can SAY all he wants to about wanting to save your marriage, but words are easy. Look at his choices. Look at his actions. Do they seem like someone committed to repairing your R?
So it's time to take your focus off of him, off of your R, and start looking inward. Have you read DR? It's time to start GAL (like Skh said). It's time to start doing your own mirror work. As Zues said, take your focus off of your M for a few weeks at least and focus on you.
