Sept 7 will mark one year since my husband walked out. We have been married 27 years and have 5 kids. He said he has been miserable and just needed space. He has consistently denied an affair. We had just spent the previous year renovated a cottage that was going to be our retirement and he was finally teaching me to golf (he has been an avid golfer his whole life) the cottage is in a community which has a private golf course i was loving all the time we were spending together now that our kids were older and more independent. He was always telling me "we were better than ever" and then BD I have been reading this forum/website for about 10 months. So yes Cadet I have read all those threads you are going to suggest I start reading. The one thing that I haven't read anything about is what people do wrt finances. After about 9 months my husband removed his pay cheque from our joint account. So now I am having to ask him monthly for money to cover all the automatic withdrawls that come out of that account for the expenses for our house and cottage - and groceries for the kids. I love my husband. I am always looking for the stories that are hopeful.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
So yes Cadet I have read all those threads you are going to suggest I start reading. The one thing that I haven't read anything about is what people do wrt finances.
Hi Jpeg, I am sorry that you are here. Letting someone else have total control over your finances is I think one of the most stressful things a person can face. You have to make a clear agreement on what your H will pay each month, and this can be more easily done by a lawyer especially if you are a conflict avoider (are't we all?)
So you have all 5 kids under your roof? Child support in my state continues until the child reaches 18 and graduates from high school. So your H may have to pay Child Support for your youngest 2 kids.
Child Support is different from Maintenance/Alimony. And neither of these covers "special expenses" (like doctor's bills, sports, etc.) You are likely entitled to all three. But go see a lawyer to get more information, so you are better prepared to deal with your controlling H. You have my best wishes.
Unfortunately, you probably are going to have to file for child support if you want to be sure of getting the money and not having to ask for it every month. The laws vary by location, but sometimes you can seek support w/o having to file for D. Probably best to speak with an attorney to confirm. Many will give you an hour or two initial consultation and not charge anything.
It's sad, but if you are the one taking care of the kids, I think you need to put their needs first and make sure you are covered. What happens if your H suddenly decides one month he's not going to pay? Do you have any savings or a backup plan? Your kids need to be protected; put them first. It doesn't mean you stop loving your H, or having hope that you can still work things out. Maybe you can even speak with him about your concerns and see if he would be willing to agree to something in writing. But I would suggest talking to an attorney first, and finding out your options. Good luck, and take care of those kids.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Well... I can just imagine all your replies - but...I don't have a lawyer. The first 6 months it was all about H "needing space" The "D" word has never been mentioned Last March he said he wants to sell our cottage so he can buy his own house and "get on with his life" I have had 2 free consultations with lawyers. One of who said he couldn't help me because I "wasn't ready for this"
Hi Wet. Yes all 5 kids live at home with me. The two older boys work and are paying off their student debt. Our daughter is just starting university (we moved her in today) I know Ontario laws will require support for the youngest two and the one in University I have just been living my life on hold. I know I am stuck. I am really struggling
Today my H and I will drive our daughter to University. It is only an hour drive but I am looking forward to being alone with him in the car on the way back I don't have any expectations but I do have to talk to him about finances and I am worried that will "sour" the time spent together.
Tomorrow marks the one year date that my H walked out. He has been living at our cottage all year with the exception of 8 weeks this summer when he left to follow the PGA tour through the states. He has seen the kids maybe 3 times in three months but to him that's fine because they are all"old enough" so they don't need/want him around. Today he came over to discuss finances during the one hour he was here I expressed how much of an emotional burden it has been to look after everything (maintenance of two properties and paying all the bills) To this he simply replied that we will have to sell the cottage because he needs a place of his own to live A few hours after he left he sent a text apologizing for leaving me to "deal with everything this summer" Should I reply to this?
