Hello all, my WAW of 3 years left 6 wks ago and filed for D, but we have a 1.5 year old boy, so now twice a week, she pulls up to my house, and I either put him in her car or take him out. Awkward. Does this detract from "no contact" type strategies, or can this be turned into a brief chat opportunity? I can only say "how was your day, you look great, have a good day" so many times...
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
The vets will chime in, but I would not tell her she looks great. Look good yourself and don't hang on to drag out chat. If W wants to then OK, but need to be as if it is not so important to you and when handing kid over you should be on your way out to something fun.
Read the threads here esp what cadet has posted. Post more of your story for people to give feedback.
Good luck
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
1) I would not tell her she looks great. 2) Look good yourself and don't hang on to drag out chat. 3) If W wants to then OK, but need to be as if it is not so important to you and when handing kid over you should be on your way out to something fun. 4) Read the threads here esp what cadet has posted. 5) Post more of your story for people to give feedback.
All 5 of these points are great. Im no vet, but I would have said exactly the same things.
By telling her she looks great and dragging out conversations, all you are doing is looking needy to her. Unfortunately, thats not what she is looking for right now.
Tell us more of your story so we can give more detailed advice.
Thanks guys. My situation: my WAW of 3 years left 6 wks ago and filed for D, but we have a 1.5 year old boy. My WAW had 2 affairs lasting our whol 3 years married, sh is now diagnosed w sex addiction, and in 12 step group, therapist, owning up to it... but also creating "boundaries" by moving out, and mad so she filed for D. She is mad at the way I handled finding out about the affairs; I was mean for a few months. I have owned up to it, and have thrown myself into my own "recovery" efforts like therapy, reading, workshop for sex addict spouse, etc. But she is bent on divorce. Any further thoughts? Or just work the whole program?
I have read the books, a few times... somehow I don't believe that total no contact is the answer in every situation. Some spouses have a love language that appreciates more courting. So I send one email or text or card once every day or two. But maybe I should stick to the expert advice and contact less ?
Well, you cant be in "no contact" when you have a young child together.
But what good is working on this connection right now? I dont know whats in these cards, but all sending her love notes will do is make her feel guilty for hurting you. But it isnt like she is going to "snap out of it" from a note, so all she is going to do is either not respond or tell you again that she doesnt love you "like that" anymore. Both of those outcomes will hurt both of you. So, whats the point?
If youve read the books, what are your goals? What kinds of 180s are you working on?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
