I owned it apologized and explained to him I'm learning about cycles in behavior and that I recognize this is one of my patterns I get anxious then angry explained I knew I should have taken the medicine but I thought I was strong enlighten admitted I learned apologized said I would continue working! I owned all of it as my fault no other blame but not until after all was said and done and hurtful things said by both
4 - While I was here, I just wanted to stop by and say that Im so happy with how far youve come. Im so glad that you kept posting and that others came to help you.
The first step to healing is admitting there is a problem.
Oh yeah! So here we go.
The problem is mine to own.
I really have difficulty with this. There are two types of problems, the first truly is yours you have ownership. The second type is just the universe and you have no control all you can do is react. This is the internal and external locus of control. Frankly a problem can arise over which you can have no ownership. So we really need to know the difference.
I can only own my half and I can only control my half. I don't agree at all. If you keep trying to control everything you will get very burdened and very tired very quickly. Pick several important things, those that are your limiting factors and tackle those first. Like Napoleons army you can't advance on all fronts. It's unreasonable. Let some stuff go completely even if it's in your jurisdiction. pick your battles, or you win the fight and lose the war
I admit and accept I am controlling, negative.
Ok so these may need a 180. More work and discussions.
co-dependent,
This is well trodden ground. Try a 12 step, it's behavioural not fixed.
an Adult Child of An Alcoholic, Sexual Abuse survivor, Physical and mental Abuse Survivor,
These are positives, I am sad these are part of your life. You survived and now it's time to thrive. I would like you to google post traumatic growth. The reason is that all of these life events terrible as they are can be a reason to grow, inspirational growth.
Depressed, Angry, Anxious,
These are emotions, actually you have little control over them. Take the responsibility for things you do have control over. These can change through extreme self care. You have the right to feel all your feelings, I would like to recommend the film inside out. Yes it is so very clever and you can feel all your feelings. That is your right as a human being (not as a human doing).
Poor at making decisions,
Black and white thinking. Stop , you made at least one good decision. You are here!
not a present parent,
This is meaningless!
over weight,
Extreme self care needed. This one is resolvable!
financially and emotionally dependent!
There can be times when financial dependence is a necessary choice. Emotionally dependent on what exactly? More stinking thinking here, generalisation and black and white. Chose to learn about basic thinking errors.
I know sounds like I was really hard on myself
From where I am sitting you are beating yourself about things you shouldn't have control over and trying to control other things that need no control.
but I am not being hard on myself I am digging deep looking at ME and this shall help me set my goals.
I think it would be more productive to concentrate on healing the childhood and other traumas. For which you are not responsible, your job is to heal.if you work on healing from your physiology up, nutrition, sleep, exercise relaxation, health etc. these things are worth your effort. From this your emotions will shift naturally. Going GAL and moving forward will create a virtuous cycle of improvement. You can't will your emotions to change, no one can.
The physiology drives the feelings, and there are various theories about which are prime feelings. But these come from the limbic part of the brain. You have no control over this. Let them be, feel them. You are entitled to them. It's absolutely 100% as the rest of us! Let yourself off the responsibility for feelings.
If I know what I accept is wrong I know I can choose to dig deeper and work on me
The things you can change! Otherwise frustration will loom large.
instead of focusing on the R or lack there of! So Goal time!
Absolutely.
I have thought about this post a great deal. What I would want for you above all is healing.
So tough questions: you can say V not now, it's ok.
In which major areas do you need to heal? What do you choose?
What resources will you need to heal?
So which five goals would give you the greatest healing?
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Matt! HI I hope things are going great for you! I never thought we would hear from you again after all you have been through! Im glad you got to see I am making progress, very slowly but still progress! Learning to sort what I can and can not control and piecing together cycles! I am very grateful for all of the help of I am receiving and do not plan on leaving any time soon. I have a looooong ways to go! I hope you will continue checking back in!
HI V- Yes I understand where you are coming from on problems arise that are not mine to own. I was pretty vague I guess I meant I can own my problems :anger abuse co-dependency ect. I certainly do understand what you mean some things you have no control over. and I certainly can not control everyone or everything.
things that burden me are my anxiety anger depression and self control/restraint. I get anxious then I get angry then I spew anything and everything. So the action I can control would be the spewing? And making a plan to stop from crossing that line and understanding where my crossing point is? Am I on the right path here or still not understanding?
PICK YOUR BATTLES...very important for me to remember....i am an arguer so i will argue with anyone about anything...bad bad habit.
I agree controlling and negative need 180's I will have to give more thought to that and get back to you. Seems so easy in my head I will not control not such an easy action!
I read CD No More and am working in that work book and the relationship rescue (dr phil) workbook. I did see the author of CD has a 12 step book. I have been trying to find resources on a support group but closest one is an hour away so looking into other options maybe an online support group?
I will google post traumatic growth I am also looking for a support group for ACoA again an hour away but will look for something online. I have also researched a couple of books on the topic just want to make sure they have some true value.
Zeus recommended I see that movie also. I did go see it and posted to him what I thought about it in the last thread I do believe. It was a very good movie for being a kids movie. It made me realize your emotions do not have to control you. you can feel them but you do not have to feel just one of them all of the time. It will be a movie I will purchase when it comes out on DVD!
poor decisions was vague I hate making decisions period. But I will learn to feel comfortable with my decisions. I feel this may be a part of the abuse (emotional from my parents) as no matter what I did it was always wrong therefor I live in that same fear now. Learned behavior that I can re-learn!
Over weight_ I won a bike at the races and the kids motivate me to go ride it! this is controllable I just need to CHOOSE to do it!
I feel I am emotionally dependent on ex. again Learned and I could un-learn and re-learn He does not need to control how I feel I can feel good about myself without him!
I have been trying to feel my emotions and sort out which they are. I am so used to only feeling anger and being angry or feeling sad. There really has not been any other emotions that I pin pointed. I know they were there but that does not mean I allowed myself to feel them!
Areas I need to heal 1. Anger 2. Abuse 3. controlling/negative behavior 4. Heal from all of the infidelity 5. Heal Trust issues 6. Self worth/self-esteem
I will give those and keep thinking. I know I will need to chose one or two at a time I just want to make sure I am on the right path! Is this what you were thinking?
What do I need to heal 1. forgiveness 2. counseling 3. facing the problems not pushing them down 4. acceptance again right path?
I will have to put more thought into the goals. I will try to have them soon!
HI V- Yes I understand where you are coming from on problems arise that are not mine to own. I was pretty vague I guess I meant I can own my problems :anger abuse co-dependency ect. I certainly do understand what you mean some things you have no control over. and I certainly can not control everyone or everything.
This is important to know.
things that burden me are my anxiety anger
These are your feelings: let's relate this to Inside Out. If you think of the pixars in headquarters, fear sadness and anger: you need those as Riley did in the film and can't function without them. You can't get rid of them they provide a role. Why be burdened by something which is part of you?
Stop. You need these feelings.
Firstly, having these feelings is natural and secondly, without them you can't function.
This is a burden to let go of. Your feelings are other than a burden they are your right and gift as a human being (not doing). In the film everyone has these!
If it helps give these feelings a name. Jellyb refers to her sadness as "sweet sadness", I refer to my anger as "screaming banshee", and I refer to my contempt as "plain Vanilla". I also have others too.
and self control/restraint.
This is a behaviour mechanism: like the brakes on a run away train. Compulsion that you choose at the point you give in to say "yes" rather than "wait". The key to this is putting in a "pause" that is applying the brakes slowly. An example would be recently you were annoyed, instead of letting rip or beating your self up, go for a bath, sit on the loo and read, take a nap. Give yourself a time out.
I get anxious then I get angry then I spew anything and everything. So the action I can control would be the spewing?
Yes, you got it. The anger is your HQ telling you something is wrong, likely a boundary infringement event or an "it's not fair". The spew is the behaviour that follows, it vents the anger but makes you feel cruddy and ashamed right? I know this one! It's screaming banshee, the Pixar at HQ anger presses the buttons on the control panel and like little Riley I lose my rag. It recoloured Riley's memory balls red, and she lost her friendship island. That's what happened to me. So what did I do? Firstly I converted WH into a carton Disney baby, then I tuned out my mouth so nothing came out. I STFU and walked away to think. I wrote it down. Whatever I have to do.
And making a plan to stop from crossing that line and understanding where my crossing point is? Am I on the right path here or still not understanding?
You got it! In psychological terms it's called a pattern interrupt. Something you can introduce as an extra step. Something that causes you to think before action. Some mechanisms that become a habit, after all that what self control is, introducing habits that give pause. If after pausing (for a least 10-15 minutes because that causes your feelings (hormones) to dissipate. It removes the urgency.
The mechanism is called flooding, the rush of hormones into the body. I made a post on it somewhere, if I can find it I will link. If not I'll repost. Some of us are more prone to flooding than others. Our bodies react more strongly to prime feelings. It can cause mood swings and this will be more intense if you aren't eating properly, your physiology can feel very rough if it hasn't got the full micronutrients.
PICK YOUR BATTLES...very important for me to remember....i am an arguer so i will argue with anyone about anything...bad bad habit.
Again it's not anger that's the problem! If you can introduce a pause then that new habit will give you space, just perhaps to say "@rses asses" and move on.
I agree controlling and negative need 180's I will have to give more thought to that and get back to you. Seems so easy in my head I will not control not such an easy action!
There isn't anything easy in this. You have had these patterns all your life, they serve you and that's why you do them. They are habit. They no longer serve you. But they are behaviours and these can change. It takes 21 days to change a behaviour so they say. In my experience that's nonsense, a realisation can change behaviour on a dime. Once a key piece fits, bang, behaviour changes. You cannot unknow.
I read CD No More and am working in that work book and the relationship rescue (dr phil) workbook. I did see the author of CD has a 12 step book. I have been trying to find resources on a support group but closest one is an hour away so looking into other options maybe an online support group?
It is worth while travelling the hour to attend your first meeting, then decide. One meeting and you can know. Once there you can ask what others found useful and especially ask if there something nearer or free resources near your location, you may find a car pooler and might capture a few useful telephone numbers.
In actual fact any related twelve step would do you. I have a friend who goes to Alanon because there isn't a coDa group near her. Plus you have FOO issues relating to alcohol. FOO =Family of Origin Issues. You are perfectly entitled to attend a 12 step group for the family and affected by the use of alcohol. These Alanon groups are usually more prevelant. You might want to post to Mustardseed as I recollect she attended 12 step AAnnon for FOO reasons. PP and Joe have both 12 stepped.
I will google post traumatic growth I am also looking for a support group for ACoA again an hour away but will look for something online. I have also researched a couple of books on the topic just want to make sure they have some true value.
I personally found codependency for dummies most useful. Mainly because it was full of exercises. Some of which worked for me, some didn't. I also recommend CBT which is very practically based (the get.gg charity website has amazing resources on it.)
Zeus recommended I see that movie also. I did go see it and posted to him what I thought about it in the last thread I do believe. It was a very good movie for being a kids movie. It made me realize your emotions do not have to control you. you can feel them but you do not have to feel just one of them all of the time. It will be a movie I will purchase when it comes out on DVD!
Apologies I missed that, or haven't put it in my notes. I will own this too. I have been to see it 3 times so far already. I love it as you can tell.
poor decisions was vague I hate making decisions period. But I will learn to feel comfortable with my decisions.
I will? If you order yourself, your contrary nature will object! plus if you don't decide the choice will be taken from you. Others or fate will do it. So then you have effectively chosen to let others randomly decide, you are responsible for that neglect,more than a concious decision. Some matters are unimportant that any decision is acceptable and others you can decide but really the decision isn't yours.
You may or may not feel comfortable. I think it's much better to say " that was my decision, made with my best efforts and knowledge. I accept the consequences, good or bad. I did my best." Think acceptance rather than comfort. Decisions can change too. You know you can say " I changed my mind" or " that was out of my control, nothing I decided will work. I choose to move on"
I feel this may be a part of the abuse (emotional from my parents) as no matter what I did it was always wrong therefor I live in that same fear now. Learned behavior that I can re-learn!
You had no control over this. You were a child. It's better to heal from it and thrive. Use this to propel you forward, you don't want your child to be damaged by your current behaviour, especially if triggered by abuse in your childhood. Time to lead for your child.
Over weight_ I won a bike at the races and the kids motivate me to go ride it! this is controllable I just need to CHOOSE to do it!
Yes, a follow that up with a plan. God gave you the gift! I am minded of the story of a man in a flood, he came to lock up his house, and the fire brigade came along offering him a lift, he said "God, will save me". The waters rose to the window and a boat came along,again he said "God will save me" then to the roof and a helicopter came " God will save me". As he was drowning he said "God, you didn't save me" and God said " I sent you a truck, a boat and a plane, what more do you want?".
God sent you a bicycle.
I feel I am emotionally dependent on ex. again Learned and I could un-learn and re-learn He does not need to control how I feel I can feel good about myself without him!
Unless you are enslaved or in prison without physical freedom, no one controls you, even then if you read Vicktor Frankls book 'mans search for meaning', no one will control you. Your spew is an anger reaction, it serves you well, it's like a dress with an irritating label and lining, it tells you your boundaries are infringed and you don't like it.
I have been trying to feel my emotions and sort out which they are. I am so used to only feeling anger and being angry or feeling sad.
The others are there, you just haven't named them. It's important to know your feelings. This comes with observation and knowledge, both of which are I your care.
There really has not been any other emotions that I pin pointed.
Happy, contempt (disgust!) try those next.
I know they were there but that does not mean I allowed myself to feel them!
You will have felt them, just not named them.
Areas I need to heal 1. Anger (a feeling you can't heal this!) 2. Abuse 3. controlling/negative behavior 4. Heal from all of the infidelity 5. Heal Trust issues This isn't something you should try to heal either. It's your internal warning system and its valuable. Instead think of setting strong boundaries. Not a healing issue. an action, yes a secondary event, but not a healing issue. 6. Self worth/self-esteem(Self esteem is not something you can heal, deal with the other things and this one takes care of its self. It's a result not a healing issue.
These two, (self esteem and self worth) are very different. Self esteem is about measuring the value of what you do and self worth is your internal "island" about who you are.
Self esteem is a measure of your internal state, a little like a thermometer reads temperature, you don't change the thermometer reading by working on the thermometer, the temperature is what it is. Self esteem isn't worth working on, besides high self esteem is prevalent in many anti social psychopaths, and low self esteem in many saints! Self worth (care) is very important.)
That leaves you with three healing issues, nos 2, 3 and 4 only, I think so. An action plan for healing each of these would be useful. no 6 is a lifestyle choice : self worth through extreme self care, nutrition, exercise, sleep, meditations or mindfulness( inward though, outward observation) healing from the physiology up.
I will give those and keep thinking. I know I will need to chose one or two at a time I just want to make sure I am on the right path! Is this what you were thinking?
Yes, I wanted clarity for you, so your time and energy are directed to the things you can heal and are most effective. So no 2,3 and 4 would be my personal priority if I were in your shoes.
Consider IC to move you along faster and 12 steps doesn't have to be coDa, initially Alanon would be helpful if that's nearer and you can move forward on FOO alcohol issues.
What tools can I usedo I need to heal: 1. I can chose forgiveness myself by owning only those things which are mine to own 2. I have booked counselling for my healing and I start next week 3. I have decided to face problems and not push them down (love this one) by noticing the feeling involved, using a journal, booking IC, introducing a pattern interrupt by giving myself 'space' ,going to exercise intensively on my bicycle etc 4. My newacceptance is through detachment and I will wait 15 minutes before responding to a trigger
again right path?
I have added some clarity to make it easier to convert these into your own goal statements. You will know that which is more appropriate as healing for you, my words are illustrative only. I hope that's helpful. I really want you to succeed in this.
I will have to put more thought into the goals. I will try to have them soon!
Well....all the roller coaster! I came home and laid down for a nap ex wasn't home long night of racing ahead of me and work! He comes in lays across me touches my face and sweetly says I just wanted to let u know I was home! Lays down beside me visits for a few minutes touches my nose and says have a great nap when u wake up be in this good of a mood! (All I could do was smile) informed me he may stay with OW tonight and I just said ok! No reason to get upset or fight! I wish I could understand how he can say I hate u one day and be so nice the next!???! I'm just proud of myself for not getting emotional either way! It was weird to OW is paying for his whole week camping food racing ect he asked for money for tonight I looked at him and he asked if it was to much I said I'll just figure it out he responded I want to help we both are paying the bills I want to help you! It's crazy roller coaster!
Hi 4, it was good you didn't get emotional with him and good that he was being nice. However, in your sitch I feel there is an air of you 'accepting' the situation of him going off to OW's for the night. Like he feels it is okay to come and tickle you on the nose, be 'husbandly' to you and then tell you he's off to stay with someone else tonight. Is that okay??
Be very aware of triangulation. IMHO, whilst it is okay to be pleasant and respectful with him. I also think it is important that he understands this - whilst there is to be a R with OW, there will be no R with me. Otherwise, given the history of 'cheating' within your sitch, the pattern will continue.
I think you're making lots of progress, but do keep thinking about this area. I think it's important for you guys if you are going to have a healthier R going forwards.
Take care, S xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
OK V I have read and re-read several times your post to me. This is why it has taken me a while to respond to you. I want to make sure I am understanding and can learn from your wisdom.
I for one feel I allow myself to have blinders on and not see the entire picture of what is going on in the household!
Ok so Emotions. I have them can not control them but I could work on putting pauses in and learning what the feelings really are (anxiety, happy, anger, sadness, lonely, hurt ect). I can learn to know what those feeling are and differentiate between them. I can learn what triggers the bad emotions and learn how to react whether it be a time out or a smile. Is the correct?
I can learn to put the brakes on and not spew. I can just walk away or say I know it is important to you we discuss this but my emotions are high right now could we visit about this later? And then re approach the subject when I can do it in a calmer sense? I will have to do more looking into emotions and how to add that stopping point. Maybe that is something I could work on with my IC. I feel like my emotions just run so quickly sometimes I do not have time to even notice that I am going from aggrivated to angered in seconds. I can choose to journal the emotions and the physiological feelings associated with them to learn my signs of each emotion?
I do not eat very healthy I tend to eat one meal a day and drink pop 1-2 20 oz bottles very little exercise except work (I am a CNA so lots of lifting and walking) If I do eat at work its a small bag of chips or junk food. Eat on the go pretty much. At home we eat a lot of meat and potatoes canned and boxed meals due to busy schedules. I will have to look into nutrition. I am wanting to lose 60 pounds anyways so maybe this can be motivation.
Alanon is much more prevelant maybe I will give that a try first and if I do not like it I can travel to the other one. I have also considered anger management? What is the get gg website do you have the actual web adress? I googled it and got self help websites.
I do see how if you order yourself it is like setting up for failure. I order myself all of the time to exercise eat right ect and then never stick to it. I am beginning to think it has to be a choice and it has to be when you are ready. I battle constantly with decisions I make. Just like staying in the house. I am constantly going back and forth did I make the right decision. I accept I made a decision to stay. It may have been good it may have been bad. At this moment it is what is financially feasable and is helpful to us both financially. This allows the kids to do their activities and us to pay bills. Is it the best decision emotionally I am not sure but I can feel confident I made the best decision I could at the moment. It would probably be helpful in healing to not be here and be able to go dark but it would just be another added stress I do not need right now. Yes it is stressful here sometimes also but not near as stressful as splitting up the kids worrying about finances and everything else.
I am going to choose to set one of my goals to walk 5 mins 3 times this week. I know it is a small amount but It should help me succeed as I will be very busy having the kids myself and racing all week. I will add a minute next week.
You are right he can not control me I allow how he treats me to affect me. I forget that neither of us are the same person as a few years ago. I also forget not to take what he says/does to seriously as we should not believe anything they say and only 50% of what they do. I can make a choice to allow myself to feel the emotions and react to them in a way I find acceptable.
I will also make it a goal to journal one time a day on just the emotions I have felt and how my body reacted to the emotions. I will name the emotions i feel.
Areas I can heal: 1. Abuse 2. controlling/negative behavior 3. heal from infidelity
things I can work on 1. Trusting people friends included 2. managing my reactions to my feelings 3. setting boundaries 4. self worth
I am attending IC weekly. I have been for a little over a year. I have been just bouncing around a lot. A lot of the focus is on the relationship. I can choose to change that direction and work on things like healing instead.
So GOALS: 1. I will continue booking weekly counseling sessions and focusing specifically on myself and healing the infidelity and abuse issue. How will I know if I am meeting this goal 1. I will follow through with my next appointment scheduled for Thursday. 2. The focus I choose for the day is NOT the R but instead helping myself begin to heal and understand the effects of the abuse. 3. I will decide to schedule the next appointment
2. I will contact one Alanon group this week and get information on the group and times available and decide if the meeting times will work for me. I have decided to give a 12 step program a try.
How will I know I am meeting this goal. 1. I decide to call a group and receive information on the group times/days. 2. I will decide if the group times will work for me. 3. I will schedule the time into my week to attend the meeting and decide if the meeting will work for me.
3. I have decided to face problems and not push them down by using a daily journal, noticing the feeling, and introducing a pause. I will choose to journal my feelings at least one time a day. I will chose to go do something physical at least one time when I am feeling angry.
How will I know if I am meeting this goal? 1. I will have journal entries for 7 days. 2. I can decide to name those emotions 3. I can choose to feel the emotions and describe them in my journal 4. I will choose to use exercise, walking, or time out as a pause. 5. If I am meeting this goal I should have one or less spewing moments during the 7 days.
4. My new acceptance is through detatchment I will wait 15 minutes before responding to a trigger.
How will I know I am meeting this goal? 1. I will be using one of my pause methods 2. I will begin to learn where my line crossing is 3. I will not react in a haste: I will be able to begin knowing when I need to take a pause
Hopefully I am starting to understand. I will keep working. This week will be so good for me as H is camping with OW so I am on my own with the kids. Hopefully It will give me a boost of confidence that I can do for myself. It will also be nice because I will get a lot of alone time with the kids at the races it is one of our favorite family times. My poor sleep schedule will go down the tubes though! thanks so much V!
HI Sotto. No it is not ok for him to be home and then go stay with OW for a week just so he can have fun. I was just glad I could keep my emotions in check instead of getting angry about it. I have looked up some information on triangulation. I keep finding information on triangulation as one person is upset with another so they try to turn people against the spouse or use them as the middle man. I will have to look further into this. I know I found one article about how it makes the man feel good to essentially have two or more people chasing after them. this sounds familiar to my sitch. so I will keep digging and let you know what I find. Thanks so much for stopping by!
I tend to eat one meal a day and drink pop 1-2 20 oz bottles very little exercise except work (I am a CNA so lots of lifting and walking) If I do eat at work its a small bag of chips or junk food. Eat on the go pretty much. At home we eat a lot of meat and potatoes canned and boxed meals due to busy schedules. I will have to look into nutrition. I am wanting to lose 60 pounds anyways so maybe this can be motivation.