Of course being a jerk is not helpful for your future of having to deal w/ her & the kids' future.
The higher ground is always more solid. I know you want to wash your hands of the whole thing, but I'm suspecting it won't be that easy based on what you report on the W's not moving things forward and her not-so-subtle contrary behavior.
Keep your peace.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
STBX called tonight and said that her L set the court date for Oct 13. STBX tells me that she still goes back and forth between just seeing it through and deal with the loss AND realizing she's not being sensible (moving forward with D). She asks if we could get together one night just the two of us before her court date. She pitches it in a way like a last hurrah, some last grasp at clarity before its all over.
In a way, this makes me feel pretty cheap and used. Plus, realistically , I know nothing can happen in one night to repair years of damage. However, how do you say no, knowing that doing so guarantees the D will be final in a weeks time? So, of course, I said I was interested but I didn't overreact or anything. We just left it at we would figure out the details in the coming days.
No pressure, right? Geez...
Suggestions anybody?
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
You are correct nothing can fix it one one night. But one night can surely start the ball rolling. Why not have one more night. Be open. Be adaptable aka malleable.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Mahhty's & Abe31's advice don't necessarily contradict, and I thing both are good. Another chance to DB. It may just be assuaging guilt on her part, but it is an opportunity even if that is all it is. Just go in w/ no expectations, business relationship. You might be D, but the Rcontinues. You might be D, but if she (and the two of you) can work something healthy and good out, it is a bonus on top of the current trajectory of D wo/ something healthy developing.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Abe, Mahhhty, asitis, Thanks for the responses. I'd love to hear your advice based on a new wrinkle...
This morning d4 mentioned that she had met OM multiple times. I asked her when and she wasn't certain (she's 4 obviously) but she did mention a grocery store, picking out a cake, and something about a crown. Well, d4's birthday is in a couple of weeks and STBX told me about picking out a cake for d4. This was on Sunday!!
Ughh. I should have known she would have brought OM around my children. That certainly stinks but the potential recentness is startling.
I still think I get together with STBX but utilize this info to keep me grounded and my expectations low.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
You need to know what you want. Do you want to R? If so, get your head on straight prior to the conversation.
You see your wife flip-flopping. She's spending time with you and your assumption is she's still spending time with OM.
Again, ask her what she wants to discuss with you prior to the meeting. Like a meeting agenda. That way, you know what the starting point is. You'll then have to be fluid and see where the conversation goes.
Be in the moment. Take extra time to process what she says. Respond with your ultimate goal in mind. Let her come to you.
Me:41 W:43 D:19 S:14 M:20 T:22 BD1: Mar 6, 2015 - wife leaves with son BD2: Mar 12, 2015 - restraining orders for 1 year
But I also agree with Squiggy's Thread. In his thread, he took a strong stance with his W about the OM. He basically said, I am not open to anything but discussing his S while W was involved with OM. Then he began to file D paperwork. It is a very strong stance, but she did drop the OM and get back with him.
If you go Abe's route be very composed, they way he described. And rehearse the awful things you will hear so that you aren't shocked. Prepare for any situation.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
You need to know what you want. Do you want to R? If so, get your head on straight prior to the conversation.
You see your wife flip-flopping. She's spending time with you and your assumption is she's still spending time with OM.
Again, ask her what she wants to discuss with you prior to the meeting. Like a meeting agenda. That way, you know what the starting point is. You'll then have to be fluid and see where the conversation goes.
Be in the moment. Take extra time to process what she says. Respond with your ultimate goal in mind. Let her come to you.
Abe, Great response. Well thought out. Appreciate it.
I am open to R under the right conditions.
As far as what she wants to discuss, STBX didn't propose it as a meeting to really discuss anything. It came off as more of a night to just hang out. It seemed almost like a quasi-date. As in, "Hey, I'm about to D you but I'm still conflicted. Let's hang out just the two of us. Maybe it'll help me make up my mind."
However, I know to expect a tough conversation, so I like Mahhhty's recommendation to prepare for the worst. I think the goal of the night will be to get STBX talking about her feelings. I will need to expertly listen and validate, while providing guidance when necessary.
I don't plan to bring up OM unless the conversation goes there.
My short term goal is for STBX to simply delay D. My long term goal would be to just attempt R, under the right conditions of course.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
My short term goal is for STBX to simply delay D. My long term goal would be to just attempt R, under the right conditions of course.
D - Hope all is well with you. Been a while since you posted frequently.
Anyway, try to remember that the actual act of DIVORCE is only really the way of telling the government your relationship status. It doesnt DEFINE your relationship status. In all reality, youve already been divorced for 6 months, ya know? Delay or no delay, Im not sure the physical act changes your relationship any nor does it really change your chances at potential future reconciliation.
Ultimately, the worst has already happened. Theres nothing left to be scared of.
