I really don't feel good right now about my M, my W, or myself. How I feel about my W and what those feelings do to me are not good at all. What she did, how she did it and her consistent self sabotage are frustrating me. My tolerence for her actions are near zero. Her business is struggling as is her housework because she thinks she wants to become a beauty queen. Yes, it is pageant season for her. I have dated pageant contestants and models before and learned just how far away I want to be away from that. It doesn't sound like normal male thought process does it? Low self-esteem, needed, internally unhappy people are not something I want to deal with ever again. However, I find myself married to one.
When I get resentful all she ever has to say is that it is my problem. Everytime. She never is understanding of how I feel and how her deep and complex deceit has made trust a real challenge for me. It is my problem and that is it. It is not only the past, it is also her ongoing laziness and lack of focus on her business that make me resentful. I bust tail in everything I do just because and I have gotten frustrated when I feel like I am carrying the "group". I am keeping score with my W and that is no good. I don't know how to change how I feel about that. Any help would be great.
Sorry to see you back here (well, you know what I mean!). In the not too distant past I found much comfort in your words on the threads of others (someone here in piecing, and your thoughts on "snooping" over in Infidelity). I went back and read your then most recent thread and really appreciated your wise words.
So...what's changed that you're now keeping score again? Have you both just slipped ever so slightly back into some old patterns? It seems to me from my own sitch that even the tiniest misstep back into "more of the same" can get us into a cycle that last FAR longer than the misstep warrants.
Have you regressed a bit in the changes that you made re. DB?
All that being said, maybe "anger, resentment and frustration" in an occasional cyclic pattern is not totally unnexpected? Perhaps this is just par for the course? I'm not trying to minimize any of the above emotions just wondering if riding it out (venting here, kicking the crap out of a punching bag, etc) is enough?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I dont think I have ever posted to you before but I will throw in my 2 cents here. I have some of those same feelings as you do in my sitch. I have found that going and doing something for myself really helps. We have to make happiness for ourselves.
Maybe in your sitch your W is not ready to admit to anything yet in the R. When that happens it is very hard to deal with. Take some time off to recharge the batteries and get back to a more positive mind set.
Man, can I ever relate to what you're feeling. There can be such a let-down after all the hard work you've done, that things ain't quite where they need to be. Is it setting your expectations too high? Maybe. But it would be awful nice to have a better return on your investment sometimes!
Don't feel bad though, my friend. I think that anyone who has come as far as you have has gone through the same feelings. If they haven't, they've probably either just been fooling themselves, or they belong in the "DB Hall of Fame"!!
What have you been doing lately to take care of yourself? Not the family, not the R, but just "tbone"? How much extra effort have you been putting into the R lately, that you feel isn't worth it? How much extra are you doing around the homefront that you might not really NEED to do? Things that you might be able to "drop the rope" on?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the pits, how would you rate things now compared to what they were 2 years ago? 1 year ago? 6 months ago? You can do this with both your relationship, and your personal life.
How might you be able to bump things up even just half of a point, in either or both areas?
You deserve a break today, my friend! Stepping back out of the situation usually helps me to get a better look at things. Make sure you get some recreation time in for yourself, to help "re-create" yourself! I know that for me, those feelings of resentment take on a life of their own, and just keep feeding on themselves, and get pretty hard to control.
I'll be back in a bit. I need to go take a dose of some of my own advice now!!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
You have alway given me strength, you fire, you hot-headed determination. Your wisdom.
I don't come here much lately, but I'm looking in more and more. I'm at a weird impass in my "success story" of late, in fact I told W I'm fed up with the lack of communication, and that she should just call her lawyer and get on with it.... She responded that she has no lawyer, and she was sorry, but we can both use some help with communication. Touche. (ouch)
T, I don't have much to say, but I want to tell you that I've recently had another epiphany. That is that after 3 years of working like hell to save my marriage, and succeeding in "busting" the divorce, and prevailing over my W's 2 (at least) lovers, I'm feeling I have now arrived back at the "turning point" where I was when my marriage took a serious header. I've cleared away the wreckage of the affairs and the lawyers and the likely divorce, and the marriage is back and solid, at least today. But, it's not a happy marriage, it's not a guaranteed marriage.
The problem is me. I am not happy. I am not happy in me. I required too much of her back then, and she ran. I now require nothing of her, and at least she's free from the pressure of being the source of my happiness. I'm still not happy, and my epiphany is that I need to find that happiness.
I've resolved to make some major changes in my life. I've defined for myself the sources of my unhappiness and I've resolved to eliminate them from my life. I had never identified them before, and simply by doing so, they've lost the power they had over me. Today, I shared this revelation with my W, and I asked for her support. She willingly gave it, and agreed with my assessment. We are working on being a team working toward mutual happiness. But, I will never loose track of the requirement that I must be happy to make her happy and to have a happy marriage. We are both working on this....
T, I'm sorry you had to come back here for our solace. I myself hardly ever come back, and when I do I look for your posts. I miss you. And I've taken special joy in not seeing you here. So now that I do, it's somewhat bittersweet. I miss you, so it's nice to chat, but I'm sorry you are feeling need of us. You are simply the strongest, most determined DBer I've ever seen. But there are things beyond your control. Like your W.
Hey Tbone, This is the third time today I came back to your thread. I really didn't know what to say...
I think JJ is right ... time for Tbone to have a little R&R on his own right now.
I can relate to the resentment over her laziness as at the end of my last thread I felt very similar. Your W obviously still has some personal issues to work thru and her laziness is a symptom of those issues. Nothing more. Once I realized it was just a symptom and that I wanted to be supportive of her working thru her issues (low self-esteem & being unhappy), then I was able to tear up that scorecard and the resentment had gone away.
This may not be popular to you, but what your W decides to do with her business is her "business". She has to be true to herself as well as you need to be true to yourself. If she is no longer happy with her business, then maybe its time for her to get out and if that is her decision, then you will need to find it within you to respect that.
If I remember correctly, didn't you mention that you were an ex-model? I take it that it wasn't a good experience for you? So I can understand you not wanting to mingle with that crowd again, but what if your W persuing her dream turns her from the woman you don't want to be with into a happier, more confident person who wants to share all this with you? Of course, if she persues her dreams at the expense of M, then you will need to express what you are willing to live with and what you are not. Then it becomes her choice as to what direction is more important to take for her happiness.
Quite frankly I know those are tough words to live up to. I, myself, feel I'm about at that very fork in the road. Wonder if I can live up to my own advise here?
not familiar with your "sitch" at all, but i have "seen" you around...
one thing comes to mind that I sometimes gather peace from...
the notion that the Big Guy puts people in our path to teach us lessons we need to learn to get to the next higher level of awareness
when I think of why H, SPECIFICALLY H and all his "issues" AND strengths, has been placed in my life, I can only come to the realization that I need to learn some things
i think i need to learn
loyalty and fidelity
(having grown up in an environment that placed little value on such things)
and i also need to learn that
i CAN ask for what I need i CAN require certain things (i will not necessarily be denied...) and that I am totally loveable and I can't count on everything to turn tail and run at the first sign of distress...
see? when I think of it, H has filled in SO many gaps in my learning... (thank you MAT
Quoting Zebra: ... after 3 years of working like hell to save my marriage, and succeeding in "busting" the divorce, and prevailing over my W's 2 (at least) lovers, I'm feeling I have now arrived back at the "turning point" where I was when my marriage took a serious header. I've cleared away the wreckage of the affairs and the lawyers and the likely divorce, and the marriage is back and solid, at least today. But, it's not a happy marriage, it's not a guaranteed marriage.
ouch, indeed zebra!
The problem is me. I am not happy. I am not happy in me. I required too much of her back then, and she ran. I now require nothing of her, and at least she's free from the pressure of being the source of my happiness. I'm still not happy, and my epiphany is that I need to find that happiness.
I once had a similar epiphany... it changed my life. I easily identified things that made me happy and just decided, just like that, to do it. It was simple for me and like I said, it changed my life.
I've resolved to make some major changes in my life. I've defined for myself the sources of my unhappiness and I've resolved to eliminate them from my life. I had never identified them before, and simply by doing so, they've lost the power they had over me. Today, I shared this revelation with my W, and I asked for her support. She willingly gave it, YIPEEE!!! and agreed with my assessment. We are working on being a team working toward mutual happiness. But, I will never loose track of the requirement that I must be happy to make her happy and to have a happy marriage. We are both working on this....
z, i truly admire you taking ownership of your own happiness ~ I am certain WIFE will be extremely pleased -
(sorry for the hijacking, t... just had to say something...)
I threw out a mayday yesterday and I thank you all for responding. It is all about me, me ,me and my love or lack there of for my W. I rely on this BB and two very good friends for input on my sitch. The responses are always quite similar but most informative from you guys. I am not "choosing" to love her or "choosing" to be happy. That is probably why my Dbing has faltered lately. No excuses, just losing focus on my priorities.
Let me give you all some background on my last 6 months. New years' eve was a disaster with fighting about her business and activities of 2002. Long story short, she has seen what she wants and it is me but only if I don't bring up the past. I agreed dredging is no good but also she shouldn't think she gets a free pass on it. Things were great right up until Feb. 12 @ 3:00p.m. when I received a call in my BIL and business partner's office that his and my W father, my FIL and business partner had been killed in a snowmobile accident in Houghton, Michigan. We were all in a state of shock as we tried to figure out what to do, who to call, how to tell my MIL, and how to tell a community that a great civic leader was dead. It was devastating for a couple of days and then God and my FIL gave us the strength to move on and flourish. He was simply an amazing and accomplished man to all. He even helped me through last years R issues with my W.
The family is now stronger, the firm is still flourishing and the community has honored him with many awards post-humously. My W handled it all very well with the exception of feeling that she never got to make him proud of her. Her self-esteem didn't need that kick in the pants. I did everything I could to support her, the boys, her family, the firm, his/my clients. We survived tax season very well as a family and business. My W was actually hearing how impressed her dad's clients were with me. It feels strange advising people that are 40 years your senior. It feels even more strange when they actually follow the advice.
Our R was positive for about 3 months after his death and then we fell back into the same ruts. She needed more money for her business so she just took it out of our personal funds without my knowledge. She has done this before so I was furious. That is why her business is my business. At least now she is looking at selling it. I told her with her business and spending habits she makes me feel like her financier more than her husband. I made the mistake of showing her how our income will rise dramatically this and next year. I did it to show her that it is coming but she needs to be patient. Combine that with me carrying most of the load at home and trying to step into my FIL shoes, I am tapped out. Responsibility overload makes me very intolerant. I think my LL is financial stability and touch. I thrive when I have them and suffer when I don't. A while back I tried to explain that to my W that I want to be debt free in three years. I feel I need this for several reasons. Financial strain makes me crabby, I want to have large borrowing power because of the business opportunities my profession gives me, and if W wants to leave the boys will be able to remain in our current home. Call it covering all of my bases.
I am not planning on going anywhere but it may not be my choice. What is my choice is to just realize she is who she is and I need to cope better. Waiting for her to change will only make me bitter in the end. I am a little slow at comprehending that. I know what she is capable of but I don't think she does. For several months I was just leading by example but then I screwed up and started keeping score. Then came resentment and expectations, man I hate those guys. It's all about me! When I take care of me everything else seems to get better.
You know how little things add up and cummulatively become a problem. I think I am letting my W, difficult cliens, and some underperforming partners combine their negative forces to make me mad. I feel like some days I am dragging most of the world along with me as I try to perform my duties.
Whne my FIL passed a felt like I had to pick up the slack in the firm, the community, and at home. He would never had allowed these distractions to hinder him. He was a rock to all. I am working very hard to emulate him and it just is going to take some time and maturity on my part.
One thing I have learned in the last year and all of the struggles is that I will be happy and I will succeed no matter what or who gets in my way. That isn't just talk either. My current problem is I am trying to go through issues instead of around them. I need to quit trying to "fix" everyone around me and just take care of me. The rest should fall into place and if it doesn't , I will find another way.
Nice novel, huh?
TBONE
P.S. I am doing things for me like lifting and playing basketball three times a week and golfing very well periodically. In an outing last week I hit a 3 wood 270 yds from the fairway to the green over water. However, I missed the 20 ft eagle putt. Earlier in the round I hit a monster 340 yd drive. Reality came back on my next round as I hit 5 balls out of bounds. Isn't golf like life. I took the kids to the trout pond and we had a blast. Best part was nobody got a hook in them.
My H is searching for "happiness" also. I think the hole he has is because of his lack of faith and his growing apart from God. I obviously can't be the one to point this out, but can you share what it is that you are unhappy about? What can a W do to help? See my thread on newcomers for details of my sitch. I am very interested to know more about the "lack of happiness" others like my H are searching for. nik
just wondering if riding it out (venting here, kicking the crap out of a punching bag, etc) is enough?
