Where do I go from here? pt. 2

[beckyb]

This weekend I'm beginning to adjust living in my house without H. I don't like it. My niece is coming to stay with me for awhile but it's not the same. He moved into an apartment on Tuesday but left a lot behind. He has mail, including prescriptions, here but hasn't contacted me about when to get the rest of his stuff or ask about mail.

My DB coach said to go dark for the most part. I thought about contacting him to let him know he has prescriptions here but I would be doing it as an excuse to make contact. Why do I so desperately want to hear from someone who is probably living with another woman? I must be crazy.

How will he know I am GAL if I never see/talk to him? And he got off FB. And he's cut off almost all contact with family and our friends.

[job]

Becky's prior thread:

Legally Separating

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2600795&page=1

[asitis]

You aren't crazy. We all have these kinds of urges. Good that you didn't contact him about the prescriptions, especially if managing his prescriptions getting filled/refilled. It is his responsibility, and he needs to handle it.

Some people put a rubber band around their wrist & snap themselves when they are feeling the urge to contact their S. I've always tried to pause and try to recognize what I'm feeling in my body and emotionally. Often realizing that you are afraid or sad helps you to put the urge in context and help you let it pass without acting.

Glad your niece is coming to keep you company. Ask her to help you get out and do things.

[beckyb]

Thanks. I don't know why but this site befuddles me.

[2Times2Many]

Hi beckyb.

So sorry you find yourself here and so sorry that things have moved so quickly for you. I know how devastating it is to find out about an OW.

I do want to share something, though, that my H told me about his OW after the A fell apart. He said they fought all the time and she was always pressuring him to D me and marry her. (He did ask for D at one point, but backed down.) He said he always wore protection because he feared she'd intentionally get pregnant. He said that anytime he talked to me on the phone (which was pretty regular since we own a business together), she'd get angry and make a scene. And he said he told her I was his best friend (I can only imagine how THAT went over!) And he said the sex was pretty lousy.

All the while, I was sitting here thinking that he must be having the time of his life with his new love - making up fantasies in my head about how happy he was with her while I was so miserable and alone. I just wanted to point out that they sometimes find out that what looks good from the outside turns pretty sour when they actually dive in. And what we think is going on isn't always the case. It's best to find a way to drive those thoughts out of your head and focus on building a new and better life for yourself.

I also know that "divorce" sounds so final. It's kind of ironic, but H said something when he took me to the bank to take me off his bank accounts. As hard as I tried to be strong and unemotional, it was obvious I was upset. I saw it as one of those steps to the final parting of the ways (and that was over a year ago). He said, "We haven't done anything we can't undo." And, he has undone it although he still insists he wants to live separate lives.

That comment has stuck with me. He can renew his lease on his apt, move out of the house, get involved with another OW, file for D, even go through with the D, but all those things can be undone if at some point in the future we decide we want to try to reconcile. Nothing is written in stone.

In the meantime, you are on the right path. It's tough to find the motivation to get out there and actually enjoy GAL, but once you start, it becomes easier and easier. As others have said, use the time to do things you've always wanted to do but never did. I've traveled to places he was never interested in visiting. Redecorating is always a great mood booster and it gives you the opportunity to make your home yours. I look at my home as my "safe place." There is no one here who will hurt me unless I choose to let them in.

Hang in there. It does get easier and you will get stronger.

[beckyb]

Thank you.

[beckyb]

Turns out H contacted me to come and get some stuff. He's due here is 30 minutes. Very nervous. I have not seen him in 3 weeks and have only spoken to him twice in that time. I hope to keep it light and short.

[beckyb]

H came over to get a few things today. First time I've seen him in 3 weeks. I met him in the garage. Kept it light and brief and looked fairly decent. It was very hard and I broke down a little when he was gone. I found out my stepson and grandson were at his new apartment all weekend. I hate that I didn't get to see them but it made a little happy because I'm pretty sure that means the OW was not there and maybe hasn't moved in.

Of course he also asked about our cat. I almost asked if he would like to come in and see her but I didn't. I'm proud about that.

He said the reason he hasn't/can't move the rest of his stuff is because his shoulders are hurt. I did slip and ask him if he'd been back to the doctor.

[beckyb]

H came over to get a few things today. First time I've seen him in 3 weeks. I met him in the garage. Kept it light and brief and looked fairly decent. It was very hard and I broke down a little when he was gone. I found out my stepson and grandson were at his new apartment all weekend. I hate that I didn't get to see them but it made a little happy because I'm pretty sure that means the OW was not there and maybe hasn't moved in.

Of course he also asked about our cat. I almost asked if he would like to come in and see her but I didn't. I'm proud about that.

He said the reason he hasn't/can't move the rest of his stuff is because his shoulders are hurt. I did slip and ask him if he'd been back to the doctor.

[beckyb]

Reality is setting in. I'm back home and he's gone and he's not coming back. D is in the works although it's only been filed. I haven't received anything else from his L. I think he expects me to make the next move but I'm not going to help him divorce me. I think I did enough damage when I filed for a Separation and I only did that to get him to move.

At the advice of my DB coach I have gone dark and H rarely contacts me. About every 4 days or so he has been sending a text about something. H doesn't really have a reason to contact me right now so I'm trying not to expect anything.

I'm heading off to a business trip today. At least it will get me out of the house. Our anniversary is next week and I'm trying to make plans that day. Then I'm going on vacation over Labor Day. Lot's of stuff planned to do but it doesn't fill the hole in my heart.

When he came by on Sunday to get a few things I did a 180. He left a lot of stuff all over the house. I consolidated it to the basement and garage. Normally I would have been all over him and insisting he get it moved. I didn't say anything. I was as upbeat as possible, friendly and brief.

I'm having a hard time balancing moving on and having hope.