I think I've found the forum to inspire me to see the positives and continue to move in a forward direction. I have a few posting in MLC the last 2 weeks....mostly responces to others and asking for support. LL inspired me to start my own thread. Thanks....here's the brief(?)overview: Me: 48 H: 52 D:20 S:18 Married: 24 yrs H: distant last 5-9 months Confronted him w/OW Memorial week-end (ironic or what) Both kids know his choice to become involved with OW...they overheard the outburst....UGLY. Still not sure if EA or PH...but he confessed that OW was the wrong choice in our M.
S graduated early June, extended family around....very awkward week or so. We've all been walking around on eggshells and tons of tension just below surface. The whole family has had 2 outbursts in the last 3 weeks....UGLY confrontations....H offered to leave, kids pleaded with him to stay. He did.
We just came home from a 5 day family vacation to Colorado ( a plan we had committed to for S's graduation) We were all nervious about the trip. If any of you are interested in the details and summary of the trip, I just posted it in the MLC section...would transfer it here if I knew how. In summary, H finally brought up R on our long daily walks in the mountains. He is sharing his thoughts and issues of himself and his view of our M the last 5+ years. He is a committed father and family man.....loves the kids to death. He thinks we BOTH have let our R erode....took no time to really work on US much....everything in his mind was routine, maintenance...compromise. He points to the last 5 yrs, cuz that's when his job took off...I quit my work (18 yrs)...he travelled much more....we had agreed he would bring home the bacon....I would manage the homefront. We did it fine.....but H thinks I put him way down on my priority list.. He has made some harsh points...(I do have my issues)...and was in more agreement than I think he expected me to be. I'm usually very defensive when he's critical.....that's one of the 180s I working on.
Anyway....I've been in a lot of pain since early April.... found this website and 2 books DR & DB. I've had one phone coaching session and another C session plannned for next week. H said early on he would go to C and work to see if we had anything to work toward. He, of course keeps putting it off...thinks we can do alot of the work ourselves, tho his first willingness to really talk was this last vacation. And we did talk everyday....at length. He initiated the R talks. I am trying soooo hard to LISTEN CAREFULLY (another problem of mine...w/o interrupting). I am trying to behave more supportively, lighten up, etc.
I really like the ideas LL has had about 3 positives each day.....I can easily get so caught up in the negatives....and lose myself. Yes, my self esteem has really taken a blow. I am exercising everyday, back to a great weight, doing prayerful meditaion, looking into volunteer/ job oppotunities to utilize my past career skills...which have been shelved. Okay....enough already about me and my situation.
My 3 positives for today: 1. I am in less pain each day 2. H said this is the only R he is working on 3. After our family vacation, seems as tho we are-2 steps forward ( before trip we were at 0....so much tension!)
Thanks for visiting my post.....any advice welcome at any time. I really think this website and the DR/DB books are a great start for me in a pro-active way. Trying to get stronger each day....
Quote: Well we're back from the 5 day family trip to Colorado. We were all nervous about the outcome, but overall...I DO think it went pretty well.
Summary: Day 1: all were polite..tho tension thick. H lost his cool at the airport&condo (blames me when problems occur, cuz it's my job to plan) Then he cooled off and said it would be fine.
Day 2: H and I took 1 hour walk...H started to talk of R and wanted to take quality time each day to begin the process. I listened more carefully than I ever have. He wants to review the last 5+ years (married 24)...and why we both let our R drift. He was kind all day...much less tension with family, more positive.
Day 3: (Our actual 24th Anniversary) Took a really long walk 4-5miles. More talk initiated by H about R. Hit some hard topics....I accepted much more responsibility....and said I have a lot to work on too. He seemed to like that the focus is on both....not just him. We also talked about sex, kids, jobs, superficial stuff that gets in the way. H initiated a simple hug and toast at night...I said to our 24th....he said to 27 years since we've been together. Good family meal, his sense of humor coming back. In bed, he offered a back rub....he was very affectionate...(we haven't been intimate for 10-12 weeks.
Day 4: Another long, long walk.....more talk. Covering lots of areas. Nothing about OW....just about our issues. Mostly about the whys and when things eroded. I, too, have issues to improve on (we all do) and talked to him about some of my action plans. He was positive. Had a good day with kids....long mountain hike...sometimes tension between H & Son...but I try to stay out of it. That night we both woke up at 2am and talked until 4am....I got another backrub...and some intimacy...it was nice but he is guarded....said he doesn't want to confuse our issues with full on sex. Wants to feel love and passion before making that step. Also said that this is the ony relationship he is focused on (when I gently asked about OW)....no more of those questions from me, I've decided. He told kids that "we" have been communicating about our R and have made some progress. They said they could tell there was less tension and were glad we were communicating.
Day 5: (Yesterday)...had a family walk...spent morning packing up. Some tension, but overall, pleasant. He read small section from DR on stages of Marriage (5 phases) He thought info was practical....didn't buy into the idea you choose love. He's waiting to feel it again. Arrived at airport...H started listening to voicemail, etc....felt his wall coming back up. He was polite, but not as warm to me or the kids. Got home, he seemed stressed again....heavy sighs at night....before sleep. Seems the home envrionment brings tension.
He left early this morning for work, left a brief note and called on his way in. Back to pleasantries, but I am thinking about all the "what ifs" I feel we made 2+ steps forward....starting from 0 last week. I need to re-read the book on my behavior. I need to start focusing on the positives....and think about my 180 behavior.
Thanks for letting me go on and on.
Mooka
sounds like a great trip...love that he proffesed "this" being the only r he's working on!!
getting back to the grind of homelife and work can bring back some tension and stress...try not to get caught up in it..
sounds like the walks were very productive..is there a way you can keep up with the walks even while at home? even if just a short walk after dinner...it's awesome that h is initiating these r talks and all the more excellent that your learning to listen (sure is hard to just listen isn't it!)
welcome to piecing..you will find lot's of great insite and support here!!
Wow, that trip sounded like a great start to something better!...
Quoting Mooka: I need to start focusing on the positives....and think about my 180 behavior.
What has helped figure out my 180's was to wake up each morning asking, "What can I do to make today a better day than yesterday?" ... for me and if the oppurtunity presents itself (and it will) to draw my W closer. When not sure what your reaction to his interaction should be ... pause ... and ask yourself, "What will bring him closer to me instead of push him away?" If the answer is still unclear, the best thing to do is to do NOTHING. Don't react. Distance yourself from H if necessary.
Making yourself aware that you need to put an effort forth to make each day better than the last is what ensures the good times will outnumber the bad.
LL and KAW....thanks for the immediate response....it's nice to be welcomed into a group of peopel, that really know what life feels like at this time. I like the idea to wake up each morning and focus on what I can do to make that day better than the last. I have been focusing on H's early departure for work this morning. His call helped, but was simple. I am also taking the suggestion that you made about continueing our walks each day maybe after dinner....more of a stroll....cuz he works outs for over an hour in the wee hours of the morning. I'm still struggling with setting up my home page to find my posts and yours. I do it, but I think it could be easier. Not that much of a techy, I guess. Keep in touch and thank you. Mooka
Hello Mooka. Wanted to also welcome you over to Piecing. Gee we have had a lot of activity here the past couple of months - it's really refreshing!
The idea of walking after dinner is a good one. It's something that W and I used to do before we had our kids. W has mentioned restarting it but her work hours are very unpredictable and she is often too tired at night to do much of anything. Something else to think about is joining your H for workouts in the morning. Not sure if he goes to a club or does it at home - or even if you are a morning person.
Also saw that your youngest child is off to college now. Even though they may have "left the nest", they are still affected by what goes on at home - and always will be.
I struggle with focusing on making each day better than the next as well. But I have two kids (D8 and S4) that I love to pieces so it makes it easy to focus on trying to get to a better R with my W.
ANewBob, LL, KAW.....thanks for your insights...I jump around with my feelings of anger vs. positive DBing.. I wonder the effect on my kids (20 & 18)..they're at home this summer and feeling the tension. I want to role-model the right thing...want them to know that we can work, work, and work on our R and maybe(?) come back together. They are watching closely and I'm really worried about their future and view of relationships. I've spoken with H about this....he agrees in theory....but his actions don't necessarily show this theory. Oh well, I can only control me....my behavior....my loving, caring side. Yuk....can't wait to progress further. I'm trying to think of new positives each day....where can I make it better? I need your support and thank you for your insights. Mooka
Quote: I wonder the effect on my kids (20 & 18)..they're at home this summer and feeling the tension.
you can only control you...the more self control (with your emotions) you excersise the better off you and your children will be...
keep 180's positive and as natural as possible take care of yourself (always) anger is understandable..outbursts and over reacting (yes we all do it) are not good...use the old count to ten method if need be. talk to your children about it but don't depend on them for support (they shouldn't feel like they have to take sides) they only need to know what they need to know and that isn't alot. be a friend to h take care of yourself (did I say that already)
the most important things you can do is keep your composure (at least in the presence of your children) and take care of yourself...eat and sleep!!
LL....thank you...thank you. You are wise beyond your years. Hope you and your H and your family have a wonderful week-end....you all deserve the best!! Keep the good spirits going, you are helping us all! Mooka
Welcome..I could have sworn I was reading my own post..ckeck it out...h and I m almost 25 y, s23, d20..
Sounds like you and your h are talking and that is good..you can't piece if there's lots of anger and bitterness.I have learned patience...a very hard thing for me. Take each day as it comes..if h talks about r great...wish mine would, and I am afraid to..so that is a plus for you.
Quoting lostlove: anger is understandable..outbursts and over reacting (yes we all do it) are not good...use the old count to ten method if need be.
... and when you are counting to ten, ask yourself this question, "Is what I'm about to do going to bring him closer to me or push him further away?" Let the answer guide you as to how you should react in a way that will work towards a better outcome. If the way is not clear, then do nothing ... let it go ... walk away in order to avoid your reaction making things worse.
If you feel the need to vent your frustrations and anger, then come here and let it out. We're use to it! You'll get better validation from us than you will from H and that will help make you feel better and refocus.
