hold on!! - 12

[u-turn]

My last chapter was going to lock - here is a link to the end of it.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2599931#Post2599931

I will give some backstory and respond to all the helpful advice and support that has been given in my next post.

Thank you

[u-turn]

So just as a very quick update for continuity from the last thread:
I filed for D, signed the papers and it was submitted into the county system today. I have not told the kids, I have not told WW about this yet, but I feel like this is the way for me to move forward. I believe that I have had increasing successes for myself while DB (no I did not save my marriage, and it is not what I thought I'd ever want or do, but I am a better person).

[JellyB]

((((U-turn)))))

[u-turn]

U-turn - I am sorry you had to finally do that. I don't think you should feel ashamed of protecting yourself and your kids. As long as you are the best Dad you can be they will be okay. I am sure you will be on pins and needles until that day comes but try to stay busy. You have time to decided on what you will say. I am sure you will do what's right by you and your kids.

Now I want KFC for dinner, thanks for that

Thanks EP, my shame didn't last long, though I'm sure I will go through bouts of this - I discussed this with my IC yesterday and she agreed with what you said too - it is for protection for myself and kids. She feels the kids (as I described them) may actually be somewhat relieved by this as it may ease a lot of tension that surrounds them - I don't know if this is true - time will tell and I will work with them to comfort them and somehow teach them that marriages are not to be taken lightly and given up on easily (hope I don't sound like a hypocrite).

Three words 'cards' 'chest' 'close' 'to'

OK I lied, four words

There is still time for WW to get sharp, take the initiative and let her have no wriggle room. A sleazy L could get in first, I have seen it in court actions on cross claims.

Oh, and I always say, hugs with the kids, even the very big that's not what I want and don't embarrass me dad- type of kid.

I did say hugs? As in 'your dad could do with a hug right now' manoever

Thank Vanilla, I do agree with this - not giving her much time to beat me to this, but I also, for some reason still have some inner desire to be compassionate too. I do not have this figured out yet, but have a little time to think on it.

Hugs for the kids - yes absolutely, funny thing is I get them alot (and use the dad needs a hug trick) on S17 - D15 is still tough with that though, I do not want to be too smuthery with her - I keep slowly chipping away at that though.

U, I think not telling your kids just yet is right on track, but not telling W and letting her be surprised just doesn't sit right with me. How does it make you feel? It very well may be the right choice for your sich, but do a gut check and then a head check. Both are important. Did you ask your L about it? Is that what he recommended? Again, it may be the right choice here, but what if you gave her notice the night before? Not enough time to do anything about it, but she still heard it from you first. Is that possible?

Thank you Sunny
I've been thinking a lot about all of this. I may tell S21 about this before she's served. He does not live with us any more and I feel like I may owe this to him - otherwise he will be the last to know (I don't know for certain that I will do this though)

My IC - who councils children too, says it may be a good idea to forewarn them of what's happening - I don't know if I agree.

I do have a bad feeling about not telling her prior to being served - it seems a little sh!tty and cowardly. My lawyer said for me to think about it if I plan to tell her (he kind of indicated, why would I want to cause turmoil for an unknown amount of time).

I will not know when she will be served - it could be two weeks, it could be three, it will just happen without warning, so likely, if I decide to tell her, it may be best in about two weeks.

I agree that it is important to give forewarning. Receiving D papers without any warning would be a shock. And I think to forewarn is to show care and honour the M you have had. Even if it is to come to an end.

My H emailed me a few days before I received D papers, and I grieved for 24 hours and was then ready for them to arrive. I'm glad he did that and I think it was the right way.

Why would you not forewarn her?

Thanks Sotto,
I do understand this and I do not really have a reason that I wouldn't tell her - it clearly will be a difficult conversation to have but I understand how not having this conversation would not be honorable.

I would want to be warned.

Thanks Sotto

Just don't let her file first - it can weaken your position. Regarding forewarning her: If you serve without warning, perhaps the shock she feels in response can be beneficial, lift the fog a bit?

Thank you RAI
I'm not sure this will matter in my state though unless I am blind to it and she has filed too - I kind of doubt that (she's not big on action). I did think about the shock too - but I'm not sure that what that would get me now that the ball is rolling.

Thank you so much everyone for your support and input - I have a lot to think about.
(I love knowing that this is actually being read )

[PeterV2]

Wow, U-turn. I'm just catching up on your sitch. You gave it your best shot and even after she receives the papers it may still not be over. But I understand you got to do what you've got to do to preserve not only your sanity but your dignity and self-respect.

I applaud you for all the effort and carefully consideration you put in to save your M. You can hold your head up high knowing you've done everything you could do, even with a team of expert coaches such as Starsky, Wonka, Sandi and all the other vets that have contributed to your sitch.

I know at the end of my first marriage I didn't try to save it and just went straight to D. But I guess that one was by mutual agreement. Too bad we had 3 kids, but I think they weathered that pretty well.

Your kids are very lucky to have a great dad like you that can hold it all together even when the rug's been pulled out from under his whole life. I know the pain and sorrow. But you've done yourself proud in your parenting.

As for telling her, sure, give her a heads up a couple days before if you want. But what does she expect anyway. She's been treating you like yesterday's garbage for months with no end in sight. There's only so much a man can take. Hold onto your resolve. This is tough love. If there's even any love left.

But you never know. Like MWD says, it's not over until it's over.
This could be a wake up call for her, or just the final nail in the coffin. Whatever happens I'm glad to know that you'll be ok regardless. You deserve to be loved. You will be happy again. You will be ok.

[asitis]

You're in a bind there with the children. I agree w/ IC that the kids would do better being forewarned, esp. if W reacts in total shock & poorly. Usually, the best advice is that the parents sit down together to talk to the kids and reassure them. It still is hard on them, but they see that the parents are still a team supporting them.

That said, the reality is a lot messier, and often what might be best has to be sacrificed for what is expedient.

My instinct is that you should tell both your W & your kids this is coming, but not too much before she is served. Once you tell the kids, there is a chance that it will get to W (one calls distraught for instance). I'd tell her first, then the kids. Give her the chance to sit down with you to discuss telling them together if she can do it in a non-blaming way that puts the kids' needs first. That this day was likely coming should not be a surprise for her. You give her the opportunity to be part of the caring for the kids if she is able & willing to.

[u-turn]

and a great big hug back to you Jelly
I sure appreciate it.

It sure is great having friends here - my local friends don't seem to get me - but I guess that's ok. I kind of felt that way with them before all of this. But I also think that I look at everyone a little differently now - I feel like I can read people a little better than I ever have and maybe that's not a good thing sometimes.

I hope you are doing alright Jelly - I'll check over on your thread.

[u-turn]

Peter - thank you for checking in on me.
I hear this from you and from others and I try to believe it, but I still question it, second guess it, fear it.

Did I do everything that I can do?

Did I follow my great team of coaches well enough?

most of the time I can say yes to these questions - but then there is some doubt that creeps in. I usually have to remind myself of something horrible that she did to me to move that doubt back to confidence and resolve.

I, of course, have no idea what this will do to her but, but I know don't want to wait around to find out. I have no idea what she is thinking at this point (not that I ever developed my mind reading skills too well). So I will do this in the way that I think is honorable at least.

Thanks Peter

[u-turn]

Asitis - thanks for writing.
you've hit on an important point I believe and one that my IC said too.

As she has been unraveling a bit, she has shown a lot of anger, she has shown violent behavior and even threatened to kill me. What if she unravels more with this?

I need to be able to protect the kids and myself if things get out of hand.

I need for the kids to not be scared by her potential actions - so telling them what is coming might help them prepare and get through at least a verbal spew incident.

My instinct is that you should tell both your W & your kids this is coming, but not too much before she is served. Once you tell the kids, there is a chance that it will get to W (one calls distraught for instance). I'd tell her first, then the kids. Give her the chance to sit down with you to discuss telling them together if she can do it in a non-blaming way that puts the kids' needs first. That this day was likely coming should not be a surprise for her. You give her the opportunity to be part of the caring for the kids if she is able & willing to.

I agree with all of this - and this is what I will likely do.

It is a strange thing for me though - like it has got to be perfectly timed. Not that I'm hypersensitive to her moods, but they do swing wildly, so catching her with this announcement while she's angry makes it seem like it's my reaction to what is happening in that instance. Catching her while she's happy makes it seem like I'm a bastard that is never satisfied.

Writing a letter to tell her is something that would allow me to get every word right, but something this monumental should be face to face.

I'm a bit scattered about all of this, but realize I need to figure it out - time is now ticking.

Thank you so much for checking in with me.

[asitis]

Threatening to kill someone is beyond just unravelling. At a minimum write those conversations down & if they are written (text, e-mail) preserve a copy.

I wouldn't worry too much about the timing, as you can tell the kids first, give it a few days for the 2 weeks to almost run & then let her know. If one of the kids tells her, it is likely too late for her to get to her L & screw things up.

Good luck.