So this is my first post. Today is 5 months since I found out about my WW PA late last year. I think she's now moved on to an EA with a man old enough to be her dad. The latter I called out last week. She told me she would stop talking with the guy if I insisted and I told her the relationship was inappropriate, she knew that, and that she was smart enough and good enough to make the right decisions on her own. I have been working 180s hard. I was distant, suffering from some pretty bad PTSD, so some of my 180s involve me being more engaged-around the house, as a father as man of the house etc. They involve me not allowing her to bully me into submission anymore. My line has been that I am working on being the man I want to be. How it's affecting her? I have no idea. She seems like a teenager. For example the other day, she tells me I am the most handsome man she knows, taking candid photos of me, sharing them with her brother (he's gay and sends her his SO's pics to show off too.) Then yesterday, the moodiness starts. I ignore it, pretending I believe her that she "isn't feeling well" and then today, she lashes out. I went to the car dealership and told them they have to fix something and call her back by cob today. She yelled at me and said I can't do everything for her I can't make up for not doing things for 12 years. My response was that I could see she was upset, and if she wanted to talk I would listen, but I was not going to stop being the man I want to be. I would not let others dictate my actions anymore and that my goal was to know I did the best I could that day and go to bed proud of myself. I guess my question, is, what the heck is going on in that head. I can't figure out if this was triggered by the fact she enjoyed a weekend at her dad's together as a family (I usually allowed her to exclude me previously) or if it's because I called her out on her inappropriate relationship last week, and now we're home again. She is definitely trying to punish and control me though. She even took off her rings the past 2 days. I did call her on that too because the last time she did that, I didn't say anything, I figured it was worth mentioning as long as I didn't let any answer affect me. Thoughts?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I guess my question, is, what the heck is going on in that head. I can't figure out if this was triggered by the fact she enjoyed a weekend at her dad's together as a family (I usually allowed her to exclude me previously) or if it's because I called her out on her inappropriate relationship last week, and now we're home again.
Are you familiar with how EA's affect people (addiction, withdrawal, etc.)?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I'm not sure how anything works in her head really. I do know that for the first 3 months, things were much better between us. I didn't backslide btw-I really evaluated that. Then, it comes time for sports for one of the kids to start up. EVERYTHING changed-her mood, attitude, you name it.
I figured that since I wasn't previously engaged in this activity, she probably set it up as an activity in which she was a single woman and that her worlds were colliding (she admitted that btw). But something still seemed odd as that should've worn off-that's when I caught her lying about her whereabouts one day and I called her and the very old guy out. I do not have to tolerate being lied to and won't and do not need to make people's decisions for them. I think what was most surprising to her is that 1) i didn't hurt the guy 2) I didn't rant and rave at her. I just said the relationship became inappropriate the moment she lied about it to me. Any insights you got, I'd love to listen. I appreciate all of your support.
Last edited by Cadet; 08/18/1507:58 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
Yeah it's the same story but everyone is a bit different. For example, I stopped the chase and affection and all that so, my wife found someone(s?) else to do it. I gotta say that was a huge fail huh? She needs to be adored and needed and desired (we're married 16 yrs and I guess I just figured that out). Anyway, that's why the disengagement thing isn't right for me, I don't think. What is is being strong and attractive. Here's an example, a guy curses at my wife in a parking lot-I would've ignored it previously, instead I go ballistic. She was initially "upset" but hasn't stopped telling the story with pride since.
So she's just getting worse today. Nasty to me at my kids practice, then left with a divorcee friend of hers who is just ewww. Came back, left to make dinner. Thanked her. She cabt even pretend she comes gor my kid. I smiled the whole time but wondering if I need to call her on it.
