Thank you Crimson. Your story gives me a lot to consider. Especially the part about taking your spouse's criticism to heart even if you don't agree with it. I am struggling with that one.
Thank you Crimson, that's incredibly uplifting and I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to drop back in and write that for us. It sounds like you really swallowed the DB principles and made them your own.
Truly helpful to read this. Good luck with your M and by e-best to your family.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Fantastic story. Thanks for taking the time to post it. Always encouraging to hear about a successful R, even years after BD. And the good thing is, you were already a success even before R. That's what I'm taking away from this, as I've decided I need to go ahead and file for D. Not sure I ever wanna be with my W again after all I've learned, but I suppose never say never. A few years apart might make a world of difference. Good luck in your continued journey.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
'We existing like that for months....and then things just kind of "changed".'
Hi Crimson, really pleased to read your story. It's great when people come back to post and help others. Just WRT your comment above, have you and your W discussed what it was that changed for her at this point and started the move back towards you?
I think your story shows how long and how far many sitches need to go in order to turn. Someone else posted recently that this is one of the areas that isn't truly highlighted. Yes, we read comments that this is may be a long and rocky road, but it is so true. Although if you have managed to achieve a level of detachment and are enjoying your life as it is, that helps.
Good luck with things Crimson - really pleased for you guys xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Well, I guess there were a bunch of small things that *maybe* moved her closer back to me....and one major. All told, I think that over time she began to see that I really wasn't seething or out for blood or anything. Truthfully, I never was - but I am now seeing that through her lens ANYTHING I did was seen as a sign of hostility or attack -- it just made it easier to leave if you vilify someone - real or imagined. But over time, as things settled, I think she realized or saw that I was getting calm. I mean, that's not that I didn't have bad feelings or hurt anymore -- I certainly did -- but I processed differently and I realized that she was not the one to show those emotions to. She has said that "kindness and compassion" were things that kind of pulled her back in. So, when vets here tell you watch your words, your affect, how you react....please, please please listen. It does matter -- a lot. I am living proof. That's not to say you need to be a doormat (I think I walked the line there a few times to be honest) but practice kindness is your words and peace in your affect. I STILL rely on that to this day.
I think one of the other minor (or major depending on who you talk to) things was that I really hit a point where I stopped everything. I stopped letter-writing, I stopped non-essential texting...I just gave up and though I didn't at all WANT to I started accepting my life - as much as I didn't like it at the time. I fired up the "dating machine" and had a few relationships.....I was really trying to cut loose and move forward. I was also visiting my IC weekly or bi-weekly....that really helped.
Now that we have kind of talked about it a bit I think she also struggled seeing another man in a "father" role for our son. Her mother kind of validated this for me later - and, honestly, I really struggled with the notion of another woman being in a motherly role for him as well. I am not saying that is necessarily healthy....I'm just saying that was my mindset at the time. No one I ever dated in that 3 year period ever met my son....and believe me, nearly all of them asked. I just wasn't ready or able to move a relationship to that place.
Finally, and there really isn't much to elaborate on here, we had our son through IVF and had embryos left over. NEITHER of us wanted to get rid of them and at the heart of us we didn't want to use them without each other. That kind of drew us back in again.
To address a few of the comments - nope, reconciling is not easy. It is hard, hard, hard emotional work. There is a euphoria that comes along reuniting - but eventually that dissipates and you are looking eye to eye with that person trying to rebuild, create better habits, communicate more openly, and just be...."better"....than you were before. There is residual hurt that you have to deal with and talk through, there is a period where physical and emotional intimacy is not where you want it to be...and that can last longer than you think (again...patience is muscle you need to build!). Why? Because you are literally reaching into the ashes for salvageable pieces of what was and try to put them all back together again. Any image you had of how things were before are most likely never going to be again. And, frankly, that is OK.....because clearly what we were all doing before was not working.
Thank you again for sharing your story Crimson. I needed to hear that. It is very humbling and the thing that stands out the most for me is when you mentioned that your W saw that you were calm. My H keeps saying that he needs for things to be calm. Why I can't seem to follow through on that I do not know. Well, ok, I do, and that is where I need to work. Thank you. I want to be on here sharing my success story one day.
Hang in there, photoka! Learning to control reactions and emotions is freakin hard....I still struggle...but it does get easier. Think of it this way -- the "win" isn't necessarily getting your point across in an argument or skirmish. Really, the win is not taking any bait and not escalating. Very little is ever settled or well communicated during an intense exchange.
Crimson, thanks for posting your update! I rarely visit Newcomers forum, I just don’t have much time to read and follow. Today I decided to stop by, and saw your name. It is interesting how things happen. I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how I need to make the final step and end my sitch, which has been going for 3 years (coincidence?), because at this point I think there is no hope for me to ever reconcile with my H. Then I come here and read your post! And then I realize that anything is possible. Thanks again for posting.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Great read thank you so much for posting this gives such hope that time is the biggest healer and there is always a chance
Three years or more apart dating and moving forward
Did the dynamics of your rencenciling change because of the dating.... for me I would think that once people date then a level of hurt or distrust might set in ???
It is truley fantastic news for you and thank you once again
Ghost
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
