Sitting and Spinning

[HeavyD]

New thread

Thanks for the kind words folks. Yes, I do struggle and am in pain but go through it anyway. What choice do I have?

One foot in front of the other - every single day. Every single day is a struggle.

Now I am facing the very real possibility that the girl friend will be at the S10 bithday party. OMG. That would put me over the edge. But again, what choice do I have.

I would not miss my sons birthday even if the Devil himself were there.

[Sotto]

Hi Heavy - hopefully that won't be the case - but if she is there, you'll get through it. I love your comment about not missing his special day. I do applaud your loyalty and persistence under really tough circumstances Heavy.

Hopefully you'll be looking particularly glamorous at the birthday party too

[HeavyD]

So now I get several texts about the party for S10 on Saturday.

I texted after she did "I will get the party favors, will that work for you?" She replies"Thank you" and asked me to get several more in case folks showed up that didn't RSVP. She then asked me to bring balloons as she is not sure she can manage 2 kids, a cake and balloons in her car.

And on and on for several more texts.

Hot and cold. Jeckyl and Hyde. Monster or Normal.....

Just have to remain neutral and calm in all interactions... that is my goal. No matter what happens, just calm and neutral. Detachment is so important. I can't make any decisions based on what I think she will think or do. That part of me has to just die. This is my life now, I make the decisions regardless of what she thinks or how she reacts.

Nothing she can do can hurt me anymore than she already has. I mean seriously, she has left. What else is there to be afraid of?

[HeavyD]

Wife keeps insisting that divorce does not have to be this way.

She keeps insisting that we be best friends and this will be the best for our kids. The pressure for this scenario is relentless.

My heart would not be in it. I can't do it.
She makes me feel that I am hurting the kids by not being her friend. This all feels so junior high.

I really am at a point where I think I should stop the wait game and just turn the tables and file myself to end this. She has filed and nothing has happened - for almost a year now. I think she is just trying to wear me down and frankly I think it is working. I am just so tired of all of this.

[Azzork]

We've all been there HD.

In my mind. I can't be a friend at the same time as wanting to be an H while she's with an OM. It just doesn't work that way. I can't "hang out" or chat with someone I'm in love with after being traded in for a new model - not until I'm done wanting to be her H.

There's nothing to say you can't file. But will it REALLY change your R with her? If you were DIVORCED right this second, what would be different?

[ep0215]

Heavy - I feel you. My H thinks we can be best friends even when the divorce is final. I let him know that I would be "friendly" but "friends", most likely not. he hasn't treated me like a best friend in a long time so why would he start now. They want to cake eat. I feel that they want us to be their best friend but not the other way around. It eases his guilt of destroying everything because he is still my "friend".

[CaliGuy]

Heavy

...PRESSURE .... remember pressure gets them all spun up. I am guessing (mind-reading) that your W will be hot and cold till this birthday party she has opted to take over is all done. Currently that's where her focus is .... and yeah, they want us to still be friends, helps them with the guilt of what they have done and the damage to the entire family that they have inflicted.

Remain detached, do not let her suck you in .. its hard. Stay the course.

[asitis]

Sorry Heavy. I know wanting to push things along, then I remember that I can't run away and make this stop, as the children will keep us tied together.

She hasn't done anything since filing. I don't see that as wearing you down. I see that as her having at least some unconscious mixed feelings and letting things go. She is watching you. She is seeing that you are the type of person who will not go back to old Heavy, and trust is slowly growing. You've got the A throwing a wrinkle in this that you just don't know about.

On the best friends part, you just want to say, I make it a rule that someone who sues me isn't my best friend. STFU smoothies. There is still a lot of fantasy.

Now it is wearing your down if she has been pressing you to sign. Maybe I missed it, but I don't see reports of this.

Just let the A fizzle. You're reaching its life expectancy, and maybe she is starting to see the grass isn't greener.

My coach keeps telling me patience through the dust settling phase is the best predictor of success. As long as the A continues, you are in that phase. When she starts consistently reciprocating and showing interest in friendship, that is a sign that this phase is coming to an end and the friendship phase is beginning. That is the route back. You are seeing signs that you may be approaching the friendship phase.

That's when she has dropped the anger and allowing herself to see you again rather than the story about you she has been projecting on you. Only then can all your hard work to be attractive really start getting her attention and consideration.

I'm potentially going through some of this myself. I have no idea whether the signs I'm getting are really movement. It gets my hopes up even when I tell myself not to. I start having feelings again. Then I find detachment very, very difficult. It feels like I'm back to that exhausting phase before detachment really took hold. I start watching her, focusing on her, and it is tiring and I'm anxious. I try to double down on detachment & GAL, but it is hard. I understand the desire to throw in the towel because I don't want to get my hopes up only to have them crushed again.

All I can say is that you've done all this work, it may be paying some profits, and she is right that if you can maintain a friendly working relationship it will be best for the kids.

All that said, sometimes the reality that you aren't going to wait forever and that they might lose you can trigger a change in them. I'm not advocating a path for you, but I'd at least give it a little time to see if some of these thawing signs continue or turn out to be temporary thing.

Hang in there.

[HeavyD]

Thanks all

Yes, pressure in all forms. She has told me that D has not progressed because she can't afford it and that she is saving up for it.

When we do meet up to deliver or pick up kids, it is terrible. I can't really look at her in the eye. Her behavior sickens me.
I try to look right in between her eyes so it's not really eye contact. The level of deception, collaboration and planning to eliminate me, take the kids from me, all of it, is just too much. Et tus Brutus?

My IC tells me I have been emotionally abused for years and I have to face that reality and wise up. She tells me to look at the reality of the situation, the events, the behaviors and actions. When I do that, it is all there.

W continually wants me to play the drama game and I refuse which really makes her angry and she is mad that I "don't own any of this". I don't do that dance any more and don't respond to her button pushing.

There is no friendship. There is nothing between us but bitterness.
Anger and bitterness on her end for me not understanding that I was not able to give her what she wants.

Anger and bitterness on my part for this betrayal and continued harmful situation to our family. I don't know if I am more sad or angry or dubfounded. Combination of all three?

This party thing is going to take every bit of self restraint I have. I think the best bet is to stay clear of her.

This week marks doctor visits for kids, work on the house and I joined a dating site.

[PT33]

Heavy I don't know how you have gone this long. Its crazy she filed so long ago and nothing has happened. This is no way to live. I understand the waiting it out part, but it seems like you are really over it at this point. I am not telling you to make a decision one way or the other. They all want to be "friends", ridiculous. Thats what my soon to be ex wife wants. I told her that probably wouldn't happen. We do not have kids, but we do have dogs. I guess cordial would be the word. I am not friends with people that treat me like that and only think of themselves