Azzork- You're 100% right. That's probably going to be it. I know i can't pursue her. There's just that little voice in the back of my head constantly telling me "you can fix this, you can make it right, you can convince her you're not the same". It's like an argument that lasts all day.
I'm always about 3 seconds away from losing the argument but i've done alright since Friday. No big feat, i know. One day at a time.
Thanks, Azzork. I hope I get the opportunity to listen and validate. Still completely dark on her end, too. I see she pops up on FB, and I'm sure she see's me, but she's not saying anything. It's a real bummer.
I don't mean to sound dumb, but I'm having trouble with the "You didn't break her so you can't fix her thing". I've got a lot of guilt from how bad of a husband I was. Controlling, jealous, possessive, unsupportive, negative... Just plain bad.
I caused her a lot of pain and she put up with a lot of my crap for a long time. Not sure how to deal with that.
I did have a bit of an uplifting moment this evening. I'm not sure if it'll stick or if it even makes sense, but i had the thought "she can only hurt you if you allow her to" pass through my head. It gave me some peace, if only for a moment. I'm really making an effort to not have any expectations, but I still check my messages and get nervous like crazy if I have a message notification, only to see it's not from her.
No matter what she says, you are not 100% of the reason for the failings in your marriage. All you can do is recognize the things that you contributed and work on them. She has her own issues and you cannot fix them.
You cannot fix a relationship she does not want. But you can fix YOU. For example, you quit drinking right? - that's fixing YOU.
I drank for a long time, I quit when my wife left ten months ago. I too was controlling, jealous, possessive, etc. How you deal with it is to dig deep and really learn why you were this way and then go about changing what you don't like. Like azzork said, it wasn't all you, your wife contributed to the failure of your m, but you can only fix yourself, its all you have control over, it's all you really ever had control over. Read about forgiveness, it is a choice, and it works for us too. We get to forgive ourselves. You cant hope for a better past, but you can live better now, and work towards a better future. Maybe that better future will include your wife.
Me:47 W:47 D:12 T:27yrs. M:17yrs. S:10/14 Wife wants legal sep., which can be divorce after 1 yr. om b 7/15 but probably a lot longer
Understood, Azzork. A lot of her issues stemmed from my ways, though. I would get jealous and question her about things, she would get defensive, say i didn't trust her. On, and on, i guess you get the point.
I'm just saying, she would have never gotten to the point she's at now had I not been such an a-hole. Thats the thing that's really getting to me. If she's with an OM, I pushed her there. I could just been cool, not been insecure, not been controlling and unsupportive and chances are I'd never find my self here, right now.
I feel extremely guilty for what a fool I was. I single handedly ruined a beautiful thing and it drives me crazy.
Raws - if she is with an OM, you created the opportunity, you did NOT cause her to make that choice.
I read something today that would be a good quote, but my book's at home. But the point is that there are plenty of people out there ready to undercut you; you don't need to do it for them.
Raws - if she is with an OM, you created the opportunity, you did NOT cause her to make that choice.
I read something today that would be a good quote, but my book's at home. But the point is that there are plenty of people out there ready to undercut you; you don't need to do it for them.
After rereading it, the context is kinda jumbled. But the quote is: Stop undercutting yourself. There will always be people out there to do it for you.
My point is that you are not responsible 100% here. Take ownership of your faults, misdeeds, and poor choices. Fix them so you don't make the same mistakes again.
Wife messaged me today. She thanked me for the letter I wrote her. It was the first conversation we've had in a while that hasn't ended in a fight. Her temperament was completely different than it has been. She wasn't looking for a reason to fight or get angry and I feel like I said all the right things. It was actually really nice. I validated as much as I could and things went well.
I was super anxious, and in my own head all day, after the talk I felt like there was a weight lifted. She knows how I feel and that's where it is. It's up to her to make her choices.
Hopefully it's a step in the right direction. I tried to keep the convo light and kept from pushing or trying to change her mind. Definitely a big 180 from the way things have been, how I've been.
I'm hoping these last few weeks fly. Trying to stay busy, GAL and stay positive.
