trying to figure this out

[little1]

H said he left because of the following
1. I put on weight and let myself go. Yes I did. Every reason I have sounds like an excuse. I have since corrected that. I lost alot of weight and I dress much better.
2. The house was always a mess and was cluttered. Yes I was a terrible housekeeper. I have cleaned the house, keep it that way, and cleared out all the clutter.
3. The yard was a mess. Yes and I am working on that. I got it cleared once and then storms came.
4. Money. That is always the root of all evil.
He tried to say we were always fighting. But we didn't. That didn't start until OW. He even admitted that.

I have read everything on MLC and it fits him to a t. In Dec 2013 he was telling me he loved me and was coming home as fast as he could etc for Christmas. He was a truck driver. The end of January 2014 the OW is in the picture and he is done??? I really dont understand any of this.

And for whatever reason he is angry and it is directed at me. So I just validate what he says and leave it at that.

I am practicing meditation. And working on changing my thought process. No castosraphic phrases. There is hope. Its not gone for good.

[Pyrite]

H said he left because of the following
1. I put on weight and let myself go. Yes I did. Every reason I have sounds like an excuse. I have since corrected that. I lost alot of weight and I dress much better.
2. The house was always a mess and was cluttered. Yes I was a terrible housekeeper. I have cleaned the house, keep it that way, and cleared out all the clutter.
3. The yard was a mess. Yes and I am working on that. I got it cleared once and then storms came.

These reasons are all [censored], sorry. If he really thinks these are reasons to end his M and hurt his family like this then maybe you should seriously consider whether or not he has done you a favour. Bang! 2*4


4. Money. That is always the root of all evil.

Was this your OCD?

He tried to say we were always fighting. But we didn't. That didn't start until OW. He even admitted that.

Same here. But she reverts back to claiming how we always fought in the next sentence. I remind her that we just sorted this out and she conceded that we NEVER fought in the past. Not until BD di d I even get angry at her. So - bluster - part of rewriting history.


I have read everything on MLC and it fits him to a t. In Dec 2013 he was telling me he loved me and was coming home as fast as he could etc for Christmas. He was a truck driver. The end of January 2014 the OW is in the picture and he is done??? I really dont understand any of this.

And for whatever reason he is angry and it is directed at me. So I just validate what he says and leave it at that.

rather than copy and paste I urge you to read the first post on my new thread at least. It is all about this.

I am practicing meditation. And working on changing my thought process. No castosraphic phrases. There is hope. Its not gone for good.

note: inline green quotes as well.

Does this mean you have always been doing all these things ^^, OR simply that you are going to start on them now? Either way- good for you little!

One thing that slightly disturbs me - Yes there is always hope, and I would definitely not want you to throw that +ve away, BUT be careful here. Hoping for an outcome will hold you back from letting go and appreciating what you have and what you will have regardless of what your H does in the future.

When I say it isn't gone for good, I really mean that for now (at least) it is gone, your R is gone. That doesn't mean it will never come back. Remember you want to be in a position where you are "open to R", because you are not bitter, you are compassionate and forgiving, and you stand for your family. You are NOT "waiting" around for H to maybe come around. It is conceivable and even statistically probable that your H will carry on medicating his way for years. You on the other hand will grow through this and come out the other end an even better person than you are now. Someone will truly appreciate you and throw your above reasons 1,2 and 3 in the crapper where they belong. You will be so happy, your kids will be, you will be far from reeling over your current H. In fact it will be absurd to even consider R with him.

(I use R to mean both relationship and reconciliation)

My point is that the path to ANY better future is one of detachment, letting go, forgiveness, compassion and love.

[little1]

I dont think those are the reasons to be honest. I think it was just something he pulled off the top of his head to justify himself.

My OCD manifests itself in different ways. 1. I have to do everything in a specific order. If I do not then I get frustrated and will have to start all over. Even simple tasks like washing dishes. 2. I grab ahold of something and do not let go. I will repeatedly ask the same question over and over and over even if the answer never changes.

I understand, after reading many threads on here, that my R is gone. I want to be in a position to be open to R. In reading some of the things I have written about him, its not him. I mean he was NEVER this way. It is literally like an alien has taken over his body and mind.

Yesterday I did well for most of the day. Then I was so overtired that the thoughts came flooding in. I was able to stop myself and focus. So that is a big yay for me.

[little1]

Does this mean you have always been doing all these things ^^, OR simply that you are going to start on them now? Either way- good for you little!

I have been doing these things for the last year. I am very proud of my accomplishments.

One thing that slightly disturbs me - Yes there is always hope, and I would definitely not want you to throw that +ve away, BUT be careful here. Hoping for an outcome will hold you back from letting go and appreciating what you have and what you will have regardless of what your H does in the future.

I understand this

When I say it isn't gone for good, I really mean that for now (at least) it is gone, your R is gone. That doesn't mean it will never come back. Remember you want to be in a position where you are "open to R", because you are not bitter, you are compassionate and forgiving, and you stand for your family. You are NOT "waiting" around for H to maybe come around. It is conceivable and even statistically probable that your H will carry on medicating his way for years. You on the other hand will grow through this and come out the other end an even better person than you are now.

This is where I want to be.


My point is that the path to ANY better future is one of detachment, letting go, forgiveness, compassion and love.

This is what I want.

[Pyrite]

Dear Little,

I dont know you so this may sound a bit hollow, but I'm proud of you. You are dealing with this very well. I can tell from your responses that you have a kind heart and pure motivation.

It is always hardest when you are tired etc. Go easy on yourself. Remember, you WILL feel like [censored], you will get angry and hate him and do all of the things you promised yourself you won't. But this is bigger than both of us. This is bigger than human kind and we are ALL victim to this grief. We are privileged in this respect. We have the luxury of grief.

I admire your forthrightness about your OCD habits. You are 1/2 way to being cured. Not that I expect there is a cure.

They are aliens. Totally. I was beside myself for months grappling with this. I thought I knew my W and now she is just a different person, a stranger, an alien. I don't know what else I can say but you are spot on here.

Persevere. PMA. Things will change. It is oh so cliche and your eyes will skim over this as you have heard it a thousand times before - but really, Little, Your life is yours. YOU are in control. YOU are in control of what you think now, and next. YOU choose where you want to be. Externals are just that. External. YOU can interpret them however you like. The traffic light turns red - one person curses, another is thankful to stretch. PMA. (i'm not good at it BTW. Good at telling other people though )

Take care Little,
Py