Another one... We had a month long trip to Europe planned for August. We have been planning this for a year. She drops the bomb in may, I say we need to cancel trip, she says no way AND you're not coming with us. If you want to cancel the trip you can tell the kids and they will take that to their graves! Lovely eh? What the real kicker is... I am the one paying for the entire thing!and I cant even @$&%@$& go!and I get to miss my kids for a month!
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
She also wouldn't even let me drive them to the airport! MIL-zilla took them. I went anyways to say goodbye to my girls. MIL-zilla gave me a dirty look and didn't speak to me. I always thought she was a b#$%h.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
Hopefully my miserable stories cheered a few of you up. Time for my sleeping pill and off to bed. Night all... It's funny, some nights I go to sleep praying, some nights I fall asleep crying, some nights I turn out the light and say "f#&@$&g b#$&h".
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
I'm sorry you find yourself here. It is a painful road that leads here, but overall this is a good place to be. Lots of good advice.
I have some, I hope it helps. I read your threads and there was one prevailing focus to nearly all of your posts. Your W. I think that you'll find that for your mental and emotional well-being, you have to stop thinking about her all the time. Stop trying to figure out what is going through her head. All I managed to do in this mindset was drive myself bonkers, I have yet to figure out what is going on in her head. Took me a while to get to this place and I still have a long way to go, but I'm not tied up in her head any longer and it has been great for me.
In my sitch, my W is living with OM. Has been for six months now. She has said HORRIBLE things to me and I am sure she has said horrible things about me to our kids that will actually speak to her. I've found I have had to let this all go. I can't sit down and focus on what she is doing to me, to our family. As Cali would say, not my circus, not my monkeys. You have more control in this situation than you think you do.
You came to these forums for a reason. We all did. We want our marriages to recover and prosper, but that isn't possible right now. Focusing on every little detail is similar to trying to watch water boil. It's not going to happen while we're so focused on it. I think instead we should focus on using the tools given to us on these forums for healing ourselves. If your M is going to recover or not, you'll need to be able to heal from all this damage.
Like you, I was very jealous in my relationship. I spent months focusing on that one facet of my being. This led me to another revelation, my jealousy was the root of my controlling behavior. I realized I don't want those pieces of my old self in the mold for my new self, so I started evaluating my triggers. Once I had identified those, I removed them in any way I could. Either by rationalizing them or by simply removing myself from the situations where I felt like it would be too challenging for me to keep the jealous monster away.
You've been given excellent advise from the people that came here before me. Mine may not be so excellent, but I hope it helps you a little.
Some things to consider:
When your W has been "kind" enough to list all of your flaws when she is in spew monster mode, have you given them any thought?
When I was reading Cali's novel, I came across this great piece of advice to Cali from AJM. I have since saved it as a personal template in word. I think back to interactions with W and make a list of the things that she says are "wrong" with me. Then I reflect on them, try to set my ego aside and look at it from another point of view. Then I answer the questions. Here is the template.
"Is "X" valid?" "Why?"
"How did this get here?"
"Does it serve me now in any area of my life? Why and why not?"
"Do I want to change this? Why? Why not?"
"Can I change this? Why and why not?"
"How does changing this look? How does it feel?"
"Will I love myself better, be a better person, a better parent, perhaps be more free, light and happier, if I change this?"
"How do I change this? When?"
Good luck in your situation, DNT. Many people are pulling for you. Take advantage of everything going on and spend some time evaluating yourself. Figure out who you want to be and what you need to do to get there.
M: 38 W: 37 T: 20 M: 19 Kids: Stepson?20, S19, S16, D12 BD: 02/19/2015 (She moved out) PA Confirmed: 02/22/2015 (She is now living with OM) Dazed and confused: 09/13/2015
Late30s. Thanks you for all the advice, you have a lot of valid points. I really appreciate you taking the time to stop by and the same goes for all the others that have posted. A lot of good pointers
