You can never tell another you have changed. This is something you show by your actions.
With addictions your spouse has a recovery journey too, she will have to take it, it's her journey to make. Enabling an addicted spouse can induce guilt shame and fear, because you perceive you are part of the problem.
This may sound very unsympathetic Dys, but your recovery is beginning and you are starting with baby steps.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
This can't be over, not now. Not when I'm finally listening, I'm finally getting it!
STOP. You DON'T get it. And you HAVEN'T changed.
Like many addicts, you want what you want when you want it, are an expert at manipulation, rationalization, blame, and avoiding consequences.
If you really got it you'd accept the consequences of your actions.
If you really got it you'd stop trying to control WAW's behavior.
If you really got it you'd understand why WAW is leaving (rather then trying to blame her for giving up now that you've "changed")
If you really got it you'd be extremely humble right now, and would be hesitant to want to be too close to WAW because you've already hurt her so much and you don't want to hurt her anymore. You'd be considering that maybe she would be better off without you. Instead you're so determined to get what you want you are willing to pretend you're a new man and risk destroying someone you insist you care about.
Listen Dys, I have dealt with plenty of addiction in my life. I know all the games. Right now you ARE still playing them. I believe you don't want to anymore, but you've played these games for so long that you don't even know what to do.
I'll tell you- don't do anything. Just live days, breathe, and suffer through some tough emotions. You're in NO position to take drastic action, whether they be proclamations to WAW, power plays, legal action, etc, etc. Just sit quietly and acclimate to the situation you're in. Your brain will be screaming at you to do something, anything, to change the way you feel. Running from feelings will just get you in the future what you've had in the past. My IC reminds me feelings don't kill you, you won't melt, you won't die. Man up and get through.
For now just post, read, and get some IC. Celebrate each day you can do this, and know that in 100 days you'll feel differently for the rest of your life if you are strong enough to stay on this road.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
This can't be over, not now. Not when I'm finally listening, I'm finally getting it!
STOP. You DON'T get it. And you HAVEN'T changed.
Like many addicts, you want what you want when you want it, are an expert at manipulation, rationalization, blame, and avoiding consequences.
If you really got it you'd accept the consequences of your actions.
If you really got it you'd stop trying to control WAW's behavior.
If you really got it you'd understand why WAW is leaving (rather then trying to blame her for giving up now that you've "changed")
If you really got it you'd be extremely humble right now, and would be hesitant to want to be too close to WAW because you've already hurt her so much and you don't want to hurt her anymore. You'd be considering that maybe she would be better off without you. Instead you're so determined to get what you want you are willing to pretend you're a new man and risk destroying someone you insist you care about.
Listen Dys, I have dealt with plenty of addiction in my life. I know all the games. Right now you ARE still playing them. I believe you don't want to anymore, but you've played these games for so long that you don't even know what to do.
I'll tell you- don't do anything. Just live days, breathe, and suffer through some tough emotions. You're in NO position to take drastic action, whether they be proclamations to WAW, power plays, legal action, etc, etc. Just sit quietly and acclimate to the situation you're in. Your brain will be screaming at you to do something, anything, to change the way you feel. Running from feelings will just get you in the future what you've had in the past. My IC reminds me feelings don't kill you, you won't melt, you won't die. Man up and get through.
For now just post, read, and get some IC. Celebrate each day you can do this, and know that in 100 days you'll feel differently for the rest of your life if you are strong enough to stay on this road.
I have changed. I haven't shown my manipulative ways in 2 years. I've been clean for a long(ish) time. I've never been much of a manipulator. I'm just trying to say that I haven't been that drunk addict in a long time. However, I am still not the man she married. I have to admit to that. I was outgoing, social, fun.
Since I've been clean, I've changed. Not in a great way either. I never wanted to leave the house, I promised and promised that I would get a job, stop being a lazy bum and I didn't change. So you're right in that regard.
Hindsight...I see all the signs now. It was coming. I was blind to it. But since this happened, I've tried with every fiber of my being to transform myself back into that man she fell in love with. It'll take time, I know. I need the time as well. She was feeling so much, so often and for so long, I can't expect her to change overnight. It's going to be a long, long road.
And Zeus, I'm not sure how you think I am trying to control her behavior or blaming her for this? Maybe I came off wrong somewhere but I know this isn't on her. I did this. I know I did.
Great advice from PigPen, Vanilla and Zues. Maybe all of Zues's comments don't apply, but there is a lot of wisdom there, try to read it with detachment rather than as an attack. He is spot on about the humble attitude and realizing how badly you've hurt her, and acknowledging that and respecting it.
Dys, I know it's hard but ask yourself what has really changed in your sitch with her filing? It's like we've said many, many times here- it's just a piece of paper. I've read many sitches here (and it happened to me too) where the WAS files and then just lets it sit in limbo. In my case I was the one that finally pushed the D through because I got tired of the limbo. Many marriages have recovered AFTER papers were filed. Hell many couples get back together after getting divorced. Like we've all been saying, you are in a marathon. There will be a lot of difficult roadblocks ahead of you, don't let them change your PMA or your long-term goals. And yes, you backslid with the things you told her. No biggie, just learn from it and resume your DB'ing. If/ when she brings up the D again then VALIDATE her. "You've been through a lot of pain and I can see why you feel this is necessary and I support you no matter what." Quit trying to sell yourself to her, it never works. Keep working on yourself and give her time and space. Give her what she wants, quit making it about what YOU want. YOU want to stay together, SHE wants a divorce. So if you fight her over it, you are telling her once again that it is all about YOUR needs, not hers. Let her do what she wants to do, respect her wishes. And eventually she may decide you are the man for her after all.
Dys, my WH is a compulsive gambler, alcoholic, heavy smoker, chaser of women, and compulsive spender.
So I know how it is to be with an addict, even one who pretends to recover, I help lead a Gamanon group too, I see a great deal.
So are you in a 12 step program? Is there a related program for loved ones run alongside?
WAW has a recovery road, to learn to detach from your demons, to repair herself. Her recovery is as important as yours. Whilst you are responsible for you and your recovery WAW is responsible for hers.
If you and your WAW get back together then you will want a healthy R, one capable of standing life's bumps. Being with a substance addict isn't easy and being with a recovering addict isn't either.
So I will ask my question, what are your recovery plans?
Are you in twelve steps? If not then your recovery is unlikely to be consistent, 12 steps is the way to the inner man, to lay down your burden and to accept (step 1) that your illness is out of your control it is a way to share. If you are then your burden will be lighter by giving your therapy, sharing your D. This means you do not stand alone, there is a second fellowship besides this one. Plus you will be able to invite WAW to see you Collect your pins in an open meeting.
Giving up your addictions will cause depression, your nutritional health will be depleted, are you smoking heavily? The cadmium in cigarettes will depress you too. This type of down is physiological, if you can get blood work done, find your vitamin B and D, iron and much more levels. If you have been staying in then your body can be depleted. Time for extraordinary care, sunshine, connection with nature and 12 step. 12 step programmes often have contact with extra resources and members can often help you will counselling. 12 steps itself is free group counselling!! Gentle exercise too, if you are depleted I recommend that you will need medical review before you exercise intensively.
And the tattoo, follow your plan.
Go face your challenge, it will be ok.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/07/1509:23 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Congrats on being clean and sober! Focus on you and your children while you are improving yourself. Everyone here is right about you having the gift of time. Please use it wisely.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
