You're absolutely right. I'm not going dark just to go dark. A small part of it, I'll admit, is to get her thinking about me, what I'm doing, etc.
I wish I had a dollar for every new person here who decided to "go dark". The posts usually go something like this- "I decided to go dark yesterday. Honestly I feel so much better! I emailed her today to ask what time blah blah blah" That is NOT going dark! Going dark would be moving to another state and cutting all contact. Obviously you can't do that with kids involved, the best you could possibly hope for is "going dim" which means zero contact except about the kids. You're not anywhere close to being ready for that, it takes a good 6 months before you're over your spouse enough to consider that. And as Azzork said, you don't do it to get your M back. You do it to help yourself get over your spouse and your failed M. Going dark has never restored a marriage. But sometimes the LBS has to do it to get off their WAS's roller coaster.
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I'm just scared that during that time, she'll move on.
That's because you don't understand how a WAS thinks and operates, but that's the beauty of DB and these forums, you can educate yourself Read this entire thread and read all of the threads linked in the first post:
I have a really good friend, probably my best friend .. had a drinking/drug problem. Well he has been clean I think about 15 years now. He was divorced 3 years ago ... main reason? His addiction. His XW never forgave him, all those hurts built up little resentments, ones they never worked through together, he figured "Ok I am clean and sober, lets move on and be happy" .... not so easy. Those pains and hurts she has are very real .... along with the fact she feels you now need to work, pull your weight .. keep up your end of the bargain ... just seeds for you here, things you will have to be sensitive to as I will bet ... these things will come up.
So at this point ... ACTIONS .... not words. AnotherStander has given you sound advice up there ^^^^ .... you have a good deal of work to do, if you read around you will find that those who focus more on themselves rather than what their WAS is doing seem to fair far better .... and if you can do this and DB at the same time ... all the better.
Thank you both for that. Absolute truth in what you all posted. I'll post more later, going to go climb a mountain, well, a desert plateau, but close enough! :P
A few years ago I -almost- had a thing with someone. Nothing happened, but it may as well have. My W never found out about it. Why put her through that...
But now that OW is talking to me on FB, helping me through this. But things have gotten a little flirty. I feel guilty... I would NEVER cheat on W but the thought keeps popping in there...
I spent my entire time walking crying my eyes out and a few hours later I am considering this? Whats wrong with me...
Hi Dys. Glad you found the board. You have a lot of problems to deal with. The good news is you're willing to put them on the plate and look at them. The MOST IMPORTANT THING is that you keep posting.
I'll just start with your post above...it is very obvious why you would be vulnerable to an emotional affair. And yes...that's what it is. ABSOLUTELY. ALREADY. Confiding marital problems with a woman whom you have emotional attraction to = EA.
You are doing it because it is MOOD ALTERING. So is heroin. So is gambling. So is porn.
If it helps, act like you would if your W was watching your every move. She isn't. But God is, and just as importantly you are, and you will have to live with the consequences of your choices forever.
What I would do right now is copy paste the below message and send it to OW. I say copy/paste because it eliminates the chance of you working in any more of your own emotional needs into it:
"OW- I appreciate your good intentions of being supportive, however it is inappropriate for me to discuss my marital issues with another woman. Whether or not W decides to remain in a committed relationship with me or not, I am committed to doing my part to honor the M and I wasn't doing that earlier. I take full responsibility for this, but must respectfully ask that we stop this communication. I know you want what's best for me so I'm sure you'll understand."
Vets may prefer that you keep it shorter than that even, but those are the words that come to my heart when I put myself in your shoes.
My motto, and I hope you listen closely to this: ACT WITH THE CHARACTER YOU WOULD WANT YOUR W TO DISPLAY.
The days of being weak and hoping your W was strong enough to make up for you are over. She is done carrying you, and in fact isn't interested in carrying her own part in this any further. If you expect her to lead you through this you will fail. You must step up and become a leader NOW, or your future will be darker than your past.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
You have gotten some really good advice. Now is the time for yku to stand up and be the man you always wanted to be. Time to get into the grown up world. Put away the video games, get yourself a job, become independent, GAL. Start with realistic goals and start moving towards them. You cannot change your past but you sure can make a better future for yourself.
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
It's not like I sat in front of them all day, ever day. The times I did play, it was a constant "pause, get up, do dad duties". I think my longest bout playing was an hour. W would sit on the couch on her phone, all day. I would be the one to take care of the kids, always have been. Not complaining, loved doing it.
My goals are:
#1 Find a Job #2 Get back in shape #3 Really dig into ME, I was far from perfect. W left ME because there were things she wasn't getting from me.
But now that OW is talking to me on FB, helping me through this. But things have gotten a little flirty. I feel guilty... I would NEVER cheat on W but the thought keeps popping in there...
Well first of all, it is really good that you are being so open and honest with us, it makes it a lot easier to give you input. It is also good that you recognize this as a problem. It certainly is. You are not ready for another relationship, and if your W were to find out you can imagine her response. She will think you couldn't even work on your M for a month before jumping ship and pursuing someone else. And she would be right to think that. I agree with Zues that you need to politely tell OW that you're not in a position to have those type of conversations with her. As he said, it's inappropriate. It's not fair to your W, and frankly it's not fair to OW either because you clearly are still interested in working on your M.
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I spent my entire time walking crying my eyes out and a few hours later I am considering this? Whats wrong with me...
There is nothing wrong with you, what you're going through is actually pretty typical. When we go through this we hurt and we hurt BAD. We want the hurt to go away, and engaging in an affair seems like an easy way to do that. You get back that emotional attachment, the companionship and the sex that you've lost in your M. But because you are in a raw emotional state any affair you engage in is very likely to be short-lived and VERY damaging to your emotional state. You spent hours crying over a conversation with OW, imagine if you went further, how THAT would make you feel.
Many of us dated after BD and later regretted it. It was over a year after BD before I dated, but looking back I realize I should have waited at least another year. Recovering is a long, slow process and as we get better we -think- we're well when we're really not. It's kind of like recovering from an illness, you may feel better and declare yourself healed, but then you get out and do something and you're exhausted, because you were "better" compared to before but still not "well". It's like that. Be patient and give yourself time!
I ended the OM sitch. I didn't want to lead her on nor was it appropriate as you all pointed out. I wouldn't have gone through with it. I still feel bad for even entertaining the idea. It would have caused far more problems and in the end, not done a bit of good.
I have a tattoo removal treatment this Saturday. I've had 7 so far. W would always be there with me. I have to drive nearly 100 miles both way. And the tattoo is on my cheek/neck. It's pretty painful but something that needs to be done. I got the tattoo over 10 years ago, absolutely stupid. But it's going to be a hard trip without her. Ug.
Read this entire thread and read all of the threads linked in the first post: