I recently (two weeks ago to the day) found out that my wife of 13 years has been having an affair for at least 4 months. She swore to me over and over in that four months that nothing was going on, but I knew in my heart what was going on.
When I confronted her and told her she had to decide which relationship she wanted to save she needed time to think. I made an apt with a lawyer. Prior to the meeting she said she didn't know if that was the route she wanted to go.
I gave her a few conditions: 1. She had to end all communication with the OM. 2. She would get help to figure out what she needed to do to work through her mid-life crisis. 3. We commit to going through therapy (have a few more sessions with a coach from here). 4. We use the tools we got from a marriage seminar to help us get back on track.
I can't sleep. I know she had the OM in our house when I had the kids out of town. Everywhere I look my imagination runs wild and I think of what they did in my home. We are going to finally get new sheets for my bed. I think I want to burn the old ones.
There have been days where she seems committed and days she seems totally detached. I have told her I am forgiving her and understand that she probably misses the OM and would like to support her in getting over him. She has said she appreciates all of this, but I am starving for her affection, her loving touch, any sign of interest.
She can't even bring herself to kiss me any differently than she kisses our two children.
I'm working on being the best me I can be and have found great enjoyment in doing thing I like and having new experiences with our children. I am trying to detach, I had to sleep in our daughter's room last week and she admitted she was afraid I had simply walked out. It seems like she wants to make it work, but also doesn't seem like she cares about what I need to feel loved and accepted by her after such an intense rejection.
Help!
Me: 36 W: 36 M: 13 y T: 17 y 2 kids
Last edited by Cadet; 07/28/1508:13 PM. Reason: per forum agreement no menetion of other authors
M: 36 yo W: 36 yo S: 7 D: 4 M: 13 yrs BD: 6/14 (??) PE Confirmed 7/15 (4 months) The road to recovery starts now
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Update: We have been "working" on our relationship for the last 4 weeks. We have had two calls with a DB coach and have come up with several strategies that we could use on a regular basis. I've tried to initiate them on several occasions, but my wife has not been receptive.
Things came to a head last night. While she had her affair I built a deck on our house myself around our new hot tub. I've asked her to join me in the hot tub so we could spend time together just relaxing. She repeatedly refuses. I told her last night that it felt like a slap in the face knowing she was cheating on me the entire time I was busting my back building the deck and even sending the OM pictures of my progress and talking about what she wanted to do with the deck.
W blew up and said we were supposed to schedule time to talk about this stuff and she was furious that I would just throw something like this in her face.
She hasn't said "sorry" much if I don't ask her how she feels about what she did. When we were talking I asked if we could talk about what the problems were that led to her affair. She stated "I don't know why you can't just accept this, but I'm not attracted to you anymore." I said this was something common in long term relationships and usually has to do with something other than physical attraction and that if she wanted to make a change she could. We haven't spoken since about 10:00 last night.
I think it's over, but we already have tickets to go to Hawaii. I'm trying to make things as nice as I can for the kids and focus on me, but this is the worst thing I have ever been through.
M: 36 yo W: 36 yo S: 7 D: 4 M: 13 yrs BD: 6/14 (??) PE Confirmed 7/15 (4 months) The road to recovery starts now
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Update: We have been "working" on our relationship for the last 4 weeks. We have had two calls with a DB coach and have come up with several strategies that we could use on a regular basis.
It might be worthwhile for you to have just a one on one with your coach to express what is going on.
I am not surprised that your wife does not want to work on the marriage. She is not all in right now and that will be a problem to move forward.
It is so confusing because she has stated she is all in and wants to move forward to reconcile. She has said this relationship and what we have together is worth fixing us. She has said we need to fix us for the kids. She has said we are worth the work. She just never puts the effort into it.
I have retained an ATTY and have some final information to provide before the petition is completed. She is aware that I am prepared to file after finding out about her EA.
When I asked what changes she has made and will make to fix things she said she is no longer talking to or seeing the OM, as if that should be enough to make me forget everything and move on.
One positive is that she threw out the sheets that were on our bed when she brought the OM into our home.
We live in the same home and have two kids so total detachment is hard. I was working on that before, but once we started talking to the coach together it seemed to change the dynamic. I guess that was my mistake.
M: 36 yo W: 36 yo S: 7 D: 4 M: 13 yrs BD: 6/14 (??) PE Confirmed 7/15 (4 months) The road to recovery starts now
I've been reading about the MLC on here for a couple months. Not that I am an expert by any means. Initially I thought we were growing distant because she was having an MLC, but I have come to believe the MLC lead to her affair. Not that I am a perfect husband or father, but I haven't been able to find out what was missing that could have driven her to her affair. I've tried to focus on myself and the kids while letting her know that I would support her through this.
I'm done trying to cover for her and letting her pretend things are fine. I'm going to be sleeping in our bed and ask that she sleep somewhere else.
I did make a demand (shouldn't have done that) that things would have to change because I wouldn't be able to continue living like this.
I'm ordering DB and DR.
M: 36 yo W: 36 yo S: 7 D: 4 M: 13 yrs BD: 6/14 (??) PE Confirmed 7/15 (4 months) The road to recovery starts now
HurtHus(band) - your sitch sounds very much like mine. I'm sure I cannot help - Cadet and others can though. Just wanted to express sincere sympathy. And pulling back, *not* fixing her/fixing things really can help. Yes - focus on what you need to fix of yourself & just being there for your kiddos. You can get started reading right away - there are a few chapters here on the website and Amazon.com has a "look inside" function where you can actually glean a lot. There's your homework for now!
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
