Hey Y'all, it's been so long my last thread is way down on the next page!
Anyway... I'm not ready to do a huge situational re-cap, but real quickly...
I'm a WAW working on staying. Things with H got WAY WAY WAY out of hand... disconnected... each of us filled to the brim with resentment... In January, I dropped a bomb on H that I didn't want to be with him anymore. H tried everything to turn me around but the thing that actually worked was knowing I hadn't really tried to get the love I want out of this M. That H didn't KNOW everything could really ever come crashing down and now that he knows, to give him some time to "do something with the information."
Which leads me to the title of this post...
As H, the potential LBS, avoids R talk like a plague, focuses on what works, works on himself, participates and is engaged in our home and the nuts & bolts of raising kids... there is work I have yet to do.
I have to come to terms with this. As one friend put it...
"... sometimes when we are really angry we don't want to be touched, by photo's, hot tubs or the moon. And that's fair enough, he bled you emotionally until you were dry and you need time to regroup."
I've been trying to regroup. I'm just so busy... advice anyone???
#1. WOW, I don't believe I've been #1 ever before.
char, I stopped by to say thanks for dropping in on my thread recently. I've stop in on yours from time to time, but haven't had much I felt I could add of value to help you out. However, you have my admiration for the commitment you have shown towards restoring your M. Somehow, I don't feel the title of WAW really fits you.
You spoke a while ago about simply existing within the R, not needing or wanting to talk about it all of the time or do a temperature check. Is that how you still feel or do you feel something missing? Not sure what you mean by regroup - do you mean heal from the past? From everything I've read here the only thing that will do that is time, as time passes so does the sting of the pain.
hey y'all thanks for stopping by... apparently I've left you all guessing what the heck i'm talking about ~ sorry about that, not so sure I know myself. The advice I wanted was on re-grouping. On getting past being so drained. I guess I'm already doing that to the very best of my ability ~ there's just so little time in any given day.
Yesterday I had my journal in my purse, in my car. H decided to take my car for a run to store or something and thought he'd take a look to see what i'm "really" thinking. Had I known H was taking my car, I would've grabbed it outta there. Anyway, H read the last poem which was just me pondering my decision here. It was about having kids and how important they are to me and if I could "trade" holidays or whatever to meet my true heart's wants or whatever. It ended with me asking God to bring all these dreams down to earth so I could experience "contentment" here and now...
See, what I've been trying to do is get solid on what love language I speak and figure out a way to convey that to H. I've been silently planning evenings out ~ you know, to surprise him, shopping for lingerie, whatever...
Anyway, so, H reads this and today he's packing boxes saying "If you don't say you commit to me and to this marriage, then I'm leaving." I wont play second fiddle to anyone and if you're in love with someone else then I'm just going to go.
"I'm not in love with someone else, H."
"I do love you, H."
Of course all this conversation happened on the phone while I was at work (I broke my own boundary by calling H to say I was sorry if I brought him down ~ this was before I knew he read my stuff... but I could tell something I did brought him down...)
I'm really working hard here. I resent that my own personal thoughts in my own personal journal are being used in a way they were not intended to be used. Perhaps H would prefer I just D without giving it any thought at all? I'm not leaving. I'm doing this as right as I know how. I want it to be real. I want the "decision" to be based on good things, not on fear or because H wants me to.
I do understand your feelings..least I think I do...discovering what ones love language is really isn't all that easy is it! I still get confused about my own.
as far as mat reading your journal..no it's not right...no it's not fair but then again he's scared and confused and maybe just maybe thought there'd be something in there that might offer him some insight....thing is he's interperting your words wrong.
put yourself in his shoes and read your ponderings...does kinda sound like your not happy with him...does kinda sound like your thinking of d...does kinda sound like you want god to send you someone else and you'd trade holidays with your kids to have that someone else.
I don't really know where else to go with my thoughts right now.
Hi char, You know I'm pretty much in the shoe's of your H when it comes to reading personal thoughts in a journal. ... and I understand how you were putting these thoughts to pen in order to work thru them in a way so you can find what you are seeking with what you have. I was hoping this is what my W was doing and trying to act "as-if" it is (that is until what I read today, but that has no bearing here.).
... but it is easy to understand how your H is taking it too. It strikes right at the nerve of his insecurities. It makes all his doubts resurface and along with it the pains associated with such doubts. He reacting emotionally right now. These emotions need to be diffuse first. Handling his reactions with compassion and understanding, validating how he feels should help.
I'm truly sorry to hear about this turn of events and I do feel for you...
IMHO, it’s definitely time for you to regroup. Back to basics…
DB is about changing your R by changing your behavior. It’s about doing more of what works and doing less of what doesn’t work.
But what works is a moving target.
Going dark, setting boundries, … all of that stuff works sometimes. But I think that what happened to you and your H is that things got too out of balance. Things started to lean too much towards rules. What “should” be.
Both of you have ideas about what “should” be, and you aren’t reading from the same rule book. It’s time for a paradigm shift.
Quoting charcoal: I'm a WAW working on staying. Things with H got WAY WAY WAY out of hand... disconnected... each of us filled to the brim with resentment...
As one friend put it...
"... sometimes when we are really angry we don't want to be touched, by photo's, hot tubs or the moon. And that's fair enough, he bled you emotionally until you were dry and you need time to regroup."
I've been trying to regroup. I'm just so busy... advice anyone???
Stop thinking of yourself as a WAW “working” on staying. Stop thinking in terms of your H “bleeding you dry.” Stop thinking in terms of, “It’s up to him to win me back.”
I realize there’s always some truth to these kinds of feelings, but as long as you think this way, you’ll never feel connected to your H.
Do you think your H’s reaction to this mindset is unreasonable?
Quoting charcoal: Anyway, so, H reads this and today he's packing boxes saying "If you don't say you commit to me and to this marriage, then I'm leaving." I wont play second fiddle to anyone and if you're in love with someone else then I'm just going to go…
I'm really working hard here. I resent that my own personal thoughts in my own personal journal are being used in a way they were not intended to be used. Perhaps H would prefer I just D without giving it any thought at all? I'm not leaving. I'm doing this as right as I know how. I want it to be real. I want the "decision" to be based on good things, not on fear or because H wants me to....
Quoting lostlove: put yourself in his shoes and read your ponderings...does kinda sound like your not happy with him...does kinda sound like your thinking of d...does kinda sound like you want god to send you someone else and you'd trade holidays with your kids to have that someone else.
Hmmmmmmmmm…
Quoting lostlove: I don't really know where else to go with my thoughts right now.
OK, LL. So I’ll give it a shot
You’re in a vicious cycle of recriminations, char.
Quoting ANS: DB is about changing your R by changing your behavior. It’s about doing more of what works and doing less of what doesn’t work.
But what works is a moving target.
You know, Andy, I can't tell you how many times I've seen you write these same words, but I CAN tell you that I tell you that I always smile when I read them!
Sometimes, working on your relationship by yourself is a "more of what works", especially if you have a reluctant partner. However, there comes a time when things start to turn around, and it needs to start being a joint effort, even if just in small ways, to make it work.
Quote: Things with H got WAY WAY WAY out of hand... disconnected... each of us filled to the brim with resentment... In January, I dropped a bomb on H that I didn't want to be with him anymore. H tried everything to turn me around but the thing that actually worked was knowing I hadn't really tried to get the love I want out of this M. That H didn't KNOW everything could really ever come crashing down and now that he knows, to give him some time to "do something with the information."
char, is NOT talking about the R, about SOME of what you're "feeling", a "more of the same" behaviour that got you guys to this point in the first place? Is this some of where the "disconnected" feeling may have come about? On BOTH of your parts?
If so, then how would the statement "DB is about changing your R by changing your behavior" fit in here?
JJ
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WOW, I don't believe I've been #1 ever before. 
... and I understand how you were putting these thoughts to pen in order to work thru them in a way so you can find what you are seeking with what you have. I was hoping this is what my W was doing and trying to act "as-if" it is (that is until what I read today, but that has no bearing here.).